What’s the fairest way to do finances when you’re married?

[Lollypopbeach]

I earn less than DH
We have 1 child together

Currently have separate finances but want to get things sorted. some people find it odd we do it this way

YANBU - Separate finances all the way
YABU - Joint account!

I dont' think it really matters exactly how it's done although I believe the easiest way is just to pool everything.

What's important is that when you're married, and even more so when you have children, that neither of you is financially less well off than the other. So it makes no sense to me to be married, with children, and yet one of you can go on fancy holidays, buy a swish new car, eat out with friends weekly and the other one is saving pennies to get a hair cut, and driving an old banger.

Similarly, decision making needs to be as equal as possible. And if money is separate, and there's disparity, inevitably the person with more money is the one making decisions - where to live/what house to buy, holidays, schooling, kids' activities etc. And that is no way to live as a partnership.

Sometimes people seem to revert to this idea of an "old fashioned" approach with a SAHM and a father working and earning all the money and who is "in charge" but actually, that model was a very short term model. More common was that women often controlled family purse strings and managed family spending or had a significant say over family spending.

Our money is mostly separate. I like it that way, and so does DH. I spend quite a bit more than he does, but I also earn a lot more.

I cover all of our household bills, food, presents, car costs, holidays, dd's uni costs etc. Basically everything we need. He covers his own personal expenditure. I know some people would find our set up weird, but it works for us.

We do have a joint account for household bills, so DH has access to it if needed and occasionally uses it if he is buying something for the house/family, but he wouldn't ever dip into it for his personal use because he prefers to use his own earnings for that.

DH is much better at saving than I am (I have adhd!), and he has fewer outgoings, so I think our savings are probably about the same... he might even have more than me now! It doesn't matter, because either of us would help the other in an instant if needed. We don't keep tally of who pays for what or how much each person has contributed because we are a family and it doesn't matter. It just works better for us to keep our money separate.

I’m the higher earner. Everything goes in the joint account, which everything comes out of. Same amount for both of us transferred to our individual savings accounts each month but amount varies depending on what we need to pay for that month. I think when you have a child a joint set up is unavoidable or ends up unfair on the lower earner if you don’t do it. We managed our finances separately until we had a child.

We have one account where both salaries go in and all bills come out and we spend from that account. Big spends we discuss. Savings get moved into savings account at start of month. Works well for us as over the years we’ve both earned a bit less or a bit more

If you have children, joint finances is the only way to account for the give and take and hidden economic impacts of child rearing.

Surely it's only unfair to the lower earner if their earnings are limited by childcare responsibilities or if they're paying a disproportionate share of the household/child-related costs?

I don't think there is a right or wrong. You just need to both agree it feels fair to you.

But I do think the legal implications of marriage is that everything is jointly owned and marital asset and we can all do what we like, but that's the sort of fundamental of marriage.

In my house we have our own accounts and both pay into a joint account according to cover our bills according to the percent of the whole that we earn.

The plus of this is I dont feel any financial control from him and if I wanted to flee in the middle of the night I have my own money to do so. My own phone, my own car, my own credit rating, my own small savings.

The con is I sometimes feel he has more spending money that me as he earns more than me, which means he is the decider of fun discretionary spending for the kids more than I get to be.

Ideally joint account for all bills including mortgage. Anything spare split 50/50 for personal expenses and fun. In reality, in my marriage, I ended up with a relatively small amount of 'pocket money' because he failed to mention the additional four grand a month he was making. He was terrible with money so it got frittered away when we were married. Now divorced. I think he liked me being lesser than him.

Now, my partner and I have a joint account as described above. Another account to save for holidays. And our additional income is our own. Very fortunate that my pension is very healthy. It's so refreshing being an equal partner. No arguments about money, ever.

We do a bit of both. We have a joint account that we pay a proportionate amount into (I pay slightly more as I earn more) to cover all outgoings/joint socialising/family days/holidays/joint savings. Then we have individual accounts that we both keep what’s left over in to spend on ourselves or whatever we want to.

We do both - salaries come into our separate accounts and then we each have standing orders going into our joint account and savings account that leave us with an equal amount remaining for personal use.

I tend to manage the budget spreadsheet and we adjust as needed or as salaries change.

I’m a no to the joint pot. But that’s because I’m on a second marriage ( though I didn’t do the join thing first time either!) I think you’ll find that the majority of people who are in favour of the joint pot are the ones that don’t earn as much as their husband / don’t work / only work part time. I earn more than my husband , he pays for his kids , I pay for mine. We split the house costs ( I do actually pay a bit more but it’s largely 50/50) but our disposable income is ours individually.

Ive never ( in either circumstance) needed to spend my husbands money!

We wern't married but did a certain amount into a joint account (proportionate to salary as he earned slightly more than me) which covered mortgage, bills and main food shop . However when we split after 19 years I realised I had paid everything e.g holidays , kids clothes , incidental foot , trips out , furniture , repairs etc . He paid for the car which he drove mostly for work - we maybe went in it twice a month! For me added up to a whole lot over the years I still have no idea what he spent all his money on . I also worked from home so did 99.9% of pick-ups, drop offs and medical appts. So I would say joint account for all household spending and keep a certain amount back for personal.

DH wages go into a joint account. My part time wages go into my own account. DH pays into a separate joint account for bills. He also pays the mortgage. I pay for mine and the kids phones and save every month for Christmas.

I've just handed my notice in at work, very much encouraged by DH. I know I can spend anything (within reason obviously) and he will not comment. He will put some money into my account every month to cover the few bills I have until I get another job. We've always operated like this with money, I can't imagine any other way.

Lucky you!

I have a very unromantic view of marriage; it is a legal and financial contract with the express purpose of allowing for the having and raising of children. DH and I have personal accounts and a joint account but in practice ALL money is family money, and is budgeted thus, regardless of where it sits. During the time when one of us was working and one of us was not, it all went into the joint account, and all expenditure on everything went through that. When we have more than enough neither or us mind what the other spends on themselves within reason; when we are hard up we both budget in a way that is as fair as we can be to everyone (3 DC). We do disagree about some things (he spends more on his car than I think is reasonable) but with compromise we muddle through. Money and time are the limited resources and are both in service to the family. If you are thinking about DC#2 it is not just about money, but it is also about time and child care, and discretionary money and discretionary fun time. The best way to get through it is to talk about what you think is reasonable and fair, preferrably before you have DC2. We have kids with SEN: we could not have imagined what parenting would have been like and we have supported them with time and money we did not know we would have needed to.

We both earn a similar salary and they get paid into our joint account. From this account all bills are paid. We then have a separate account each and we transfer over a set amount for personal spending.
Anything left over goes into the joint savings account to pay for household repairs/purchases and perhaps a holiday if we can afford it.

Everything is joint unless you just met last week or one of you is a compulsive gambler or something.

Also, god forbid, what if something happens to dh unexpectedly? If he's in a coma you've got no access to his money. He dies and they freeze his account. You and DC will be in trouble. Presumably the inheritance is going to be used on house or for both of you anyway?

If you're both fair and reasonable people in an equal and loving relationship then joint. If one of you is at risk of spending unequally or frivolously or has a flash car hobby then seperate.

DH is the main earner here but I still work, all in a joint account.

Lucky you

We don’t have a joint account, but all money is shared. We have a budget for the year and we use that to manage our finances eg different amounts for clothes, food, travel, petrol, dentist etc. we both update the spreadsheet and can see where we are. Who pays which bill is irrelevant as it’s all put against the budget. We also have separate savings as it’s more tax efficient.

We pool all money into the joint account - that pays for all aspects of family life. Then we each have a personal budget of £300 per month fun money to spend on ourselves.

I becomes "we" when married. How the admin works and whether it's joint or single accounts doesn't matter as long as decisions are shared and hopefully after all the essentials are paid both have some independent spending money ( that they don't have to beg for!).
Money = power and so one partner having more and talking about who can "afford" what would worry me.

I think we disagree on almost everything but money. On that, we are as one. If anything, I would like DH to spend more on himself, but he's a Scrooge.

We consider everything joint emotionally even though we technically get paid into personal accounts and each one of us transfers money to whatever pots need it (bills, mortgage, spends account, savings in various formats). We each get to keep an amount for discretionary spending- each Jan we sit down and agree our savings goals/commitments for the year i.e. holidays and then assign us each an amount for personal spending. This allows us to gift/treat each other privately but also means I won’t judge his takeaway coffee habit whilst he doesn’t judge my Vinted one!

All money paid into one account and all bills, food shopping etc cones from this account. We then have a set amount sent to our separate accounts to spend as “pocket money” on what we wish and anything left at the end of the month is put into joint savings.

My DH out earns me by a mile but I had a house before we met that he is now on the mortgage for. We are a team and we’re doing “life” together.