I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

I think what needs to be remembered here is that is ASD is both a spectrum and can fluctuate.

If he doesn’t clean and is prone to hoarding his ability to cope with his environment and keep it healthy is very low. This requires a social services assessment. It sounds like he is just holding on. I’m not sure the argument that he can drive and work holds up. He is managing this to the detriment of everything else. And this will get worse. This is why it fluctuates. He is obviously struggling without home support. There are so many areas where you can ask for support that you have t mentioned. Like this.

You talk about overwhelm. This can lead to burnout and then he will be in a pickle.

He needs supported accommodation. His needs have worsened since he lived at home and he is clearly struggling. This is your argument for sheltered accommodation.

He also needs to visit a doctor for antidepressants.

With a social services assessment he might be able to claim pip. Does he cook? What does ge eat? Is it hygenically prepared.

There seems to be a lot of areas where he is struggling that haven’t been discussed.

All ASD people under the last autism strategy should have a named key worker. Does he have one?

I’ve had to fight like a demon for every single thing for my ASD Dd. But eventually you get somewhere. Don’t give up or back off. The squeakiest wheel and all that…

Dont let adult social services wriggle out, You have to nail them down and keep going.

l understand you want him home but it’s not fair on your dd. Turn this into fighting tooth and nail.

there are 4 other people to think about not just one person.

Help him find somewhere suitable to live and get him on the council bidding list for a property as he is going to be homeless

There’s so many areas he could pick up Pip.

Leavinh the home ( he only goes to work)
Socialisingwith others ( he only goes to work)
Preparing meals? Does he eat, wash dishes?
Medications ( l bet he won’t visit a doctor without you pushing him)
If he hoards and doesn’t clean what’s his personal hygiene like?
Following a journey- he only goes to work.

He's not a 'poor lad'. He's a grown man with a job, and a car and has been living independently.

I wouldn't allow him home because he will destroy your home and your daughters' peace and safety in their own home. It is not favouring your daughters to make this decision; it is recognising that you have a duty to them as minors that you no longer have to him.

Sounds like a difficult situation for all involved.

Can he reapply for PIP? Lots of claims get rejected the first time around.

How old are the girls? And do they understand fully about his autism and how it affects his behaviour?

What type of comments does he make towards them to upset them?

Have you spoken to Citizen’s Advice or Shelter re: him at risk of becoming homeless?

Could you contact your area’s mental health Trust and ask for support via the community autism services? You could take him to the GP and ask for a referral.

Would a garden room be an option like an office space but used as a bedroom. I think he may benefit from a support worker etc who can help him manage his feelings and behaviours. I applied for dla twice as it was rejected the first time. I would be wary of him being lonely living alone as the only place he goes is work. It would be hard for you all having him back but with the right support it may improve. I don’t think anyone here can tell you what to do as only you know the situation.

Ideally if you had a massive house with plenty of space or an annexe he could live in that would be perfect. But you don't, don't let him move back in OP

He's not a 'poor lad'. He's a grown man with a job, and a car and has been living independently

Hes a young adult with a disability who needs a lot of support. Not quite the same thing. Hes managing a job and a car but this is reducing function in other areas. This is common with ASD. They can’t do everything.

I have a DS25 and I would only have him back in an emergency and because he can behave responsibly. I would not allow a 25 year old to make life very unpleasant for much younger siblings.

I think the risk of you growing old with an adult child who never leaves and dominates your life is too high so no, I would listen to the experiences of people in that situation and not do it.

Of course you’ve got to have him back! He’s got a learning disability and statistically will end up homeless. He’s extremely vulnerable and as your son despite being adult you do actually have a duty of care towards him. If he didn’t have a disability I’m sure you’d welcome him back with open arms! What hope has he got when his parents are discriminating against him!

You need to safeguard your daughters so I wouldn't be having him home, no.
I would take him to the council and tell them he's going to be homeless in x days and he's a vulnerable adult. You may need proof of his autism diagnosis. You may be able to go without him if he's too anxious/overwhelmed to attend. He won't necessarily get supported housing but he should be a priority for temporary accommodation or may be eligible for a discretionary housing payment to help with a deposit.

I don’t agree op has a duty of care to her son - she has a duty of care to all her chikdren and if the eldest is harming her home and the other children then the disability is a red herring

society should have a duty of care perhaps but forcing it all onto OP and likely tearing the family apart is wrong

the son has possible accommodation but doesn’t like it . What a poor excuse. Lots of people have tl
do things they don’t like

I sympathise with you but do think he should be allowed to come home particularly if you can create a garden room or caravan.

I have a 19year old ds who has autism and ADHD… He is holding down a job just about but no way could he cope with a flat etc at the moment.

it is tough on the family but you are a family and you all need to support and look after each other..

Being an ‘adult’ is such an artificial construct… just because you are over 18 does not mean you are able to cope with things that other adults can do.

And Is he really being manipulative intentionally or is he not coping and needs more support than he has currently?

I really dispair with all the people that say kick them out when they have no understanding of what it’s like to be a parent of someone with additional needs… the constant worry and stress whatever path you take…

OP, you seem to want to support him at home for now, is it possible to agree the boundaries that come with that? Only you know your son but I knew when push comes to shove I need to be frank and clear with my son about what is expected and what he has to do to make that happen.

really hope you find a way through this.. it’s tough!

Would you take Axel Rudakabana in if he was your son? He's disabled and he's vulnerable. What do you think?

Even without her daughter's, there's a huge risk to OP. If OP becomes vulnerable in any way, she'll never ever get out of this situation.

OP needs to explore every middle road possible. The public services we have give zero fucks about doing anything to help here unless you pull everything out that you have. If they get one sniff OP will take him back, the ' computer says no' brigade really will leave her to it.

I would look at supported living. If he comes home and it doesn’t work , I think it will be harder to get supported living in place (from a friends experience that I know of)

im usually the first to stand in line and say he’s your child, but I really don’t think him coming home will be the best option. You can’t be there forever for him. Help/ from a distance when he needs it

Boundaries like don’t trash the house and don’t insult your sisters are unlikely to work though are they?

I would prioritise your daughters as they are still growing up and require your care. He’s an adult now and able to live independently so you have to put them first. It is probably the first time in their lives they have felt free from his aggression.

His refusal to accept his diagnoses and accept any support for them is a huge issue. As an adult in his 20’s, his parents can’t insist that he accepts any help so they’re stuck in a hard place. He isn’t going to suddenly change his behaviour towards his sisters nor stop causing damage to the house.

The previous advice to contact charities and social services could lead to some progress, maybe start with this, OP.

I don’t think you can have him back to the detriment of your daughters. They are still children, and as teens with exams etc need peace and stability.

Can you help him to find an acceptable place? Even help him pay the rent (contribute a fixed amount)? Anything’s better than doing this to your dds.

Everyone in this country, apart from single people, no kids and high earners get some form of benefit. They really are the forgotten group.
He needs to try again, either seeing a CAB advisor or someone from a mental heath group.

Until that might happen, could he be persuaded to lodge with a landlady? Sounds too that he needs medication if not already taking it, or/and joining a group session for anger and personal skills.

As he passed his driving test and holds down a job, he's obviously capable of managing his life, but his rent at 50% of his wage, leaves him with little for emergencies. Certainly not fun, which could be a reason he's short on mates.

CAB have special money advisors, or they did. They would be a good place to start, even if just to put him in touch with the right people. They will also help him fill out the forms for help correctly.

He should put his name on the council housing list, along with a letter from his GP or specialist, that makes all the difference.
With some help from the right direction, I think he could turn it around.

I'm sure the son does feel rejected, but he has gone out of his way to make life miserable for the rest of his family.

He is not going to change and will mess up their lovely home so he does not deserve to live there.

The OP says that he has a family which loves him but I don't think they do and I can't blame them.

This is what I’ve said but then he says he’s going to end up homeless and on the streets so I have to think no I won’t let that happen when he has a family who love him.
I have tried to help him find a new room but he’s adamant he’ll just live in his car because he can’t deal with it all

I have a cousin like this. Her parents eventually had to draw the line when she was in her late 20s and she was actually homeless for a while before she got it together. In the meantime, the two other kids suffered greatly and there is still resentment for the fact the her welfare was prioritised over theirs.

He has been able to live independently. He just doesnt want to adult. If you dont let natural consequences play out now, they will only be postponed to down the line and it will all be a lot harder.

I grew up with a violent autistic brother and have trauma that affects my entire life. Your daughters deserve a safe home and if he cannot be that he cannot return.

You don't have to justify yourself. You are a saint to have put up with him for so long. I wouldn't have done.