I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

You definitely need to hold firm and not let him back in. He's choosing not to investigate other sources of support. He needs to understand that going back to trashing your house and frightening his sisters is not an option available to him, and that he does still have lots of other options.

A disability he won't accept or acknowledge. And a personality that treats other people poorly, is aggressive and destructive. You can be autistic AND an asshole, and he appears to fall into that category. OP can try to help him, but having him back into her home isn't one of the sensible options here and would be very unfair to her daughters.

I don't know if you've applied for social housing but there's no housing where we are medical points or not.

@nomorecheesyjokes is he a lodger at the moment or did he sign a tenancy? Is it an HMO? Why does he have to move out? Was an S21 issued?

I think he needs to apply for his own social house and get on the very long waiting list.

You do not have the space for him to move in and he is an adult.

If he rented a bedsit would he be entitled to any benefits?

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime." In other words, I would not let him move back in OP. You need to protect/look out for your daughters. Then sit your son down and discuss the options. You can help him, find a new place to live, find another job if necessary. But letting him move back in will make all of you miserable and it will not teach him to stand on his own two feet, which by the sound of it, he must do (as he can't live in your house forever). I would also discuss with him to again look into a proper autism diagnosis, potentially medication for adhd, etc, look if there really are no benefits he could receive, etc. So you offer help, but then it's up to him. It sounds like he's trying to move back in, but I really don't think it's a good idea. Sorry OP, it must be very hard - for all of you.

The system is a mess and I agree that the house situation is going to be difficult.

I would get him down there and looking for support despite the state of things. He has got to be in the system.

OP, you're going to have to have a very clear outline as to why you can't accommodate your son and why he must be supported. They'll try everything to get you to just drop it and say ok I'll sort it.

Please look at the PIP. Get in touch with adult social services asap. Call Housing support.

If there's no likelihood of housing access anytime soon, councils will support the provision of private rentals that they somehow commission. Emergency accomodation by way of hostels is going to be risky; because he'll be in proximity with very problematic people if we're being honest and that's going to be a nightmare if he gets in with that crowd.

It's time to start highlighting his diagnosed conditions in every single Comms and interaction with services.

The word 'burnout'.and ' capacity to function entirely independently' are important phrases. Because in reality, as another poster said, he really cannot manage all these demands and something will give. Public services will be brain dead on this so it's for you to impress it on them.

The thing is - how much is it him struggling to find a room and how much is it struggling to find something he “really likes” which is what the OP has said

it doesn’t sound as if he can’t find anywhere to live - he just would prefer to live at home

if he ends up homeless therefore it’s his own stubbornness - I know that is a trait that I associate with autism but it is one he is going to have to learn to overcome if he wants any kind of good future life

Oh wind your neck in. It’s nothing to do with him being autistic. Get a grip. I was asking because the OP said he lacked boundaries, he would barge into the girls’ rooms and they were both scared of him. I was asking if the inference by what she said above was that he was perhaps not entirely appropriate.

This. Make it clear that moving back is not an option.

He has a problem, but won't get help. He can get a room, but not one he likes. Well, tough! This is what being an adult is all about. Most of us have lived in shit rooms and shit apartments in our twenties. It's practically a right of passage. There are resources available to him, but he prefers to whine and is putting pressure on you to bail him out to the detriment of the rest of the family.

Don't do it. If he talks about preferring to sleep in his car rather than look for another place, leave him to it. It's his decision. Do not let him manipulate or intimidate you.

This

Angry, aggressive, intimidating men in the home are terrifying for women to endure.
Even worse for minors that cannot leave.
It is very sad but once he comes back the OP and his siblings are at his mercy.
There is no forcing an adult man to conform.

Your daughters have suffered enough.
It is very sad but offer to go to the Council with him.
Offer statements from your daughters of what life was like living with him.

I have several friends in their 50's and 60's that had domineering older brothers.
None of them are in contact today, and their relationships with their late parents never recovered from them allowing the bullying to go unchecked.

Their parents didn't have anything but the most distant relationship with their grandchildren as a result.

I see your dilemma and feel for your son but think in this situation you have to go with the best long term solution, and put in place boundaries to help your son grow and develop as an adult. I think this requires hands off guidance and tough love.

Moving him in with you will enable the very behaviours and sense of entitlement he struggles with. It would be different he was going through a temporary crisis or change in circumstances (eg adult son navigating a divorce, university graduate looking for employment). But the core of his current problems are his long term struggles with basic life skills. He is understandably looking for an easy way out of adulting, which will only further entrench those struggles by taking away his only all opportunities to practice independence, being considerate of others, taking care of a home, and socialising with people beyond immediate family.

I think supporting him in a hands off way rather taking on his problems as your own, will allow him to fail and teach him that he bears the consequences of his life choices. The freedom to fail and try again is essential for growth, and may be his only motivation to change.

It was his choice to trash his house, it is his choice not to medicate his ADHD or seek help for his autism, it is his choice not to socialise, and it is his choice not to train in a higher earning or more fulfilling career. Those choices have natural consequences and by being allowed to experience those natural consequences, he will have a chance to grow.

There are other ways to provide support that don’t prevent him from experiencing and learning from his own mistakes - e.g. by helping to financially fund a course if he wants train in another career, helping him find new housing, helping him reapply for PIP/ seek medical support for his conditions, offering to provide financial support if he consistently engages in medical treatment/ support for his conditions.

However, if you completely shield him from the natural consequences of his bad choices, you are not only creating a miserable future for yourself but also preventing his future resilience and independence as an adult.

Nope

No, I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) accommodate that OP.

Quite aside from the wellbeing of the rest of your family, it is not doing him any favours. If he comes back he probably won’t leave again.

If I were you I’d encourage him to find a new place.

I think I’d encourage him to join the armed forces where his work ethic would be valued (although perhaps not the lack of respect for authority……) and he would be provided with accommodation!

People with a diagnosis like your son, requires extra support in school, support in the home and eventually in employment.
It is naive to think that at 18 and above, they no longer require supports, benefits entitlement or not.
Sadly it shouldn't boil down to money.

The Scottish government have a scheme that all house builders have to provide a certain number of affordable and social housing for rent within the allocation of new builds. It has been really effective from what I’ve seen.
it’s a shame the rest of the UK hasn’t followed suit.

If he won't act on his situation by gaining advice and you have explained why he can't return home, you as a mum have no solution.
Maybe finding himself homeless will be the wake up call he needs.
I would though spell it out how not having an address can spiral your life out of control very quickly.
Bank account, work, motor insurance.

If he's too proud to seek help, just wait, tell him, the first time he's asked for his address and has to say he doesn't have one.
So either that or get help, his choice.
If you cave, it will all go wrong and your relationship with him could be damaged for ever.

I feel very sorry for your DDs if you are contemplating bringing back someone who - if he weren't your son - you'd see as mildly abusive towards them. His behaviour is unacceptable, whatever his disability.

I'd echo PPs' suggestions about getting some support to enable him to live independently, and gradually help him to manage to find strategies to find some sort of accommodation between his neurodivergence and a world which is organised around neurotypicality.

He really needs to understand the consequences of not accepting his diagnosis. He can’t just say “everyone is different” and add “and because of how am, your house has to be wrecked and your dds made to feel unsafe”

Also if he rejects his diagnosis, then there’s no reason why he should need to move home or have this behaviour tolerated. He can’t have it both ways.

No one knows your family and coping strategies, support network etc but anecdotally, MIL took her eldest son back after a short period of independent living, ASC and is aggressive/abusive/sexist. He’s still home now and she’s resigned to the fact he’s there forever, but he’s an absolute menace. She’s quite restricted.

Don’t take him back in . I say that as the sister of a 56 year old man with autism and mental health issues who never left home. I saw the toll it took on my parents. He also never learnt to fend for himself and now is pretty clueless and I keep having to intervene. My cousin has a son with autism who pretty much trashed her home. Eventually she got him a council flat. She still goes there once a week to do a deep clean, but at least her home is clean and tidy.

he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful

Absolutely no way should you have him move back in. Support him by helping him find another room to rent.

Sometimes things have to hit rock bottom for things to get better. So maybe he will live in his car for a few weeks till the reality sinks inc then be more accepting of support to locate a new room elsewhere. You’ll be babying him and
disempowering him if you let him live like a teen in your home. Be careful, you’ll live out your retirement with an aggressive frustrated middle aged man who has never grown wings. He’s likely to grow and mature in an independent living situation, accepting support from the sidelines.