I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

Also I say all this with two ND adult children. My ds was a milder version of your ds. He struggled to live with other people at first and just manage all the things.
But he's learnt tolerance, adjusted his expectations, has gratitude for how good it was at home but matured enough to realise you can't go back to your childhood.
He's also more skilled in time management, budgeting etc

I don't agree that you appear to favour your dds, if anything you've favoured your ds by invalidating your dds and minimising the harm your son has on them.

I have no advice, other than to say that if you had one daughter, then their wants and needs are probably worth more than your sons (he is older) let alone that you have two and you have yourself / hubby to think about.

So so hard though.

Well once she’s gone they will be living independently.

Offer him support in finding longer term support, benefits, a room in a shared house - yes, absolutely.

However he is an adult and if he does not want that support, there really isn't a way you can force him to accept it.

He clearly can achieve things if he wants - job - able to drive - has a car - so he is absolutely capable of accessing the help that is available.

I strongly suspect he is, as many young adults are, finding life hard and would like to return to the safety of Mum and Dads house... if you asked a lot of much older adults if they'd like to return to a point in their youth where someone else had all the responsibility and made all the decisions they'd also want to be able to do that, at least some of the time (anyone want to be my Mum 4 days a week please?!). Life, adult life, is fucking hard at times!

I don't think you'll realy be doing him OR anyone else in the family, any favours by having him back under your roof. If he won't accept support and help now, why would he when living with you?

Have you tried claiming universal credit? If he's on a low income and has a disability, he could be eligible for that.

You can't put the needs of an adult child who has the ability to live away from home over and above the needs of younger children eho will be negatively affected and who don't have a choice. But I think you know this.

Op, has he had any support with social skills? Sounds like that would help address the root of the problem for future living situations. maybe he could work on knowing the needs of others and their likely responses to what he no doubt sees as normal or ok actions on his part?

OP, it is much better for him and for you all if he is supported to become independent.

It may be tempting to give in 'until he gets on his feet' but what if that doesn't happen? If he doesn't ever earn enough to move out, and doesn't ever learn to get on with the people he lives with?

I have family members who moved back - who sound similar - and in each case it's been a slow-burning disaster.

He's a young person in his 20s. He doesn't just want to live at home deferring to his parents; he wants to be the top dog. The fact that he has ASD doesn't mean he isn't enormously entitled.

It also sounds as if he is higher needs than you realise, or are admitting to yourself. Do look into supported housing. If he can't really manage on his own, then that is what that sector is for. There are some great schemes.

Imagine him living with you and being very demanding, messy and angry when you are in your 80s. Think of what is best for him, and best for you all, rather than taking the path of least resistance.

I think the idea of him living in his car is a good one. Perhaps you could let him use the shower etc by an arrangement that suits you. Its summer now and he could save quite a bit before it gets too cold. Has he gone to the council / housing associations? apply for UB again the rent/ income ratio is unsustainable. Next door to me they have turned an ordinary house into a HMO with 5 ensuite bedsits with mini kitchens for single people does your council do anything like that.

You said he was the only person living in his house now OP. Did the others leave because of him ?
What about a motorhome OP? There are a lot of young ppl living in Motorhomes and wild parking on You Tube .

Quite the opposite actually, if Op lets him home and be abusive to his sisters and disturb the family's peace while they are minors, still in education and haven't got the freedom to leave their home to get away from their unpleasant brother, OP risks her relationship with her daughter who may refuse to support her in old age as she didn't support them when they were vulnerable.

The young man is not a likely candidate for caring for his parents and supporting them. He needs help and support himself.

OP he either needs the support of care services or he doesn’t.

Can you look at LPOA and advocate for him and apply for PIP and obviously oversee the application or just send it yourself?

Friend taught in a special needs school 3 to 18 years of age. She would say no he can't come home. By all means help him outside the home, but in the long term you will age have health issues maybe which he won't be able to cope with if he isn't an independent person.

She retired early at 60 because she had been attacked too many times by adolescent males who were just too strong and fast to dodge any longer.

This is absurd. OP is not favouring sisters. He is an adult they are children. He has anger management problems. He needs to deal with them out with the family home.

Who do you want living with you, your adult son or your minor daughters?

You bring your son back home to enable him and your daughters will likely move out to a relative's place or in with a BF very early to get away from an abusive home environment.

I think the PIP application is a great idea. OP, I'd do that with him and write the answers together, reference yourself as the support applicant.

It is very frustrating in its design as it will ask questions about things like needing toilet assistance or needing adaptations to cutlery. This benefit therefore fails immensely to take account of the real needs of vulnerable ND people who are more ' functional '. But it feels like the best option to enable independence. He'd also be entitled to housing benefit potentially I think if income is too low.

There's an excellent support group on FB ' benefits help ' search will bring up the options.

In completing PIP. Where it asks you things like adaptation to cutlery, because you have points awarded to every answer, it's important you make that answer relative and don't just ignore it and say no.

For example, ' because of being Autistic and ADHD, son needs support with managing and organising time alongside working. With significant executive functioning challenges attributable to ADHD, son will struggle to coordinate eating needs alongside work and daily independent living requirements.'

And you then spell out how this might somehow link to adaptations such as ' has to microwave food as struggles to prepare independently'. ' has to buy ready meals or pre prepared food which are more costly' on light of above needs and disabilities.

I know the above will be true here and not even made up.

Hope this helps because it feels like it would be helpful for him to be independent if he could access PIP.

My brother is still in his teenage bedroom gaming his life away. He’s 46. My Dad is 80. You need to think about the long term consequences of having him back as well as the short term dysfunction in the family.

What is your solution then as this comment is pointless.

I am sure this is easier said than done @nomorecheesyjokes but it is said that people need to properly fall before they start to improve. I think if he moves back in he will never move out.
i also think it’s ok to say to him that, even though you all love him, you can’t live with aggression and intimidation and that level of disrespect to your property. Outline your rules and how you’re living now and say this is why he can’t come back. Maybe this will make him think and improve. It may also be the best thing for him as it will help him be a better partner to someone in the future too.

As someone who is ND and awaiting an autism assessment, I don’t believe he is being manipulative to come home.

I think he is overwhelmed by everything happening. He can’t see a way through. He doesn’t see he is aggressive or messy or anything he is as those are just him.
Its the world that is wrong and not him.

I doubt it has crossed his mind to come home. He just sees that he can’t get another flat so the alternative is homelessness and sleeping in his car. Coming home hasn’t crossed his mind.

I think a talk with him about his autism and how it affects him and the feelings of being overwhelmed and the anxiety that comes with that and the anger issues that are the result is in order. And that he needs to for his own benefit, to go back to his GP to get help/medication to help with his anxiety and anger issues

These issues are affecting not just him but everyone who comes into contact with him and maybe how it affects his colleagues at work.

Also has he been assessed for ADHD as well because the 2 can go hand in hand and maybe the autism is masking the ADHD symptoms which can be medicated.
Maybe his messiness and other things are because he has ADHD as well as autism

He needs to accept your help to find him a new place to live to solve his immediate issues.

Also some sort of therapy/coaching to understand and help with his autism and decision making when it comes to how his words affect others.
Maybe help with how to eat cheaply and clean and tidy. Cooking and cleaning tips on TikTok or You tube etc

Plus help with finances (I.e. how to manage his money) might be worthwhile. Maybe each month go through with him that when he gets his pay that he needs to pay his rent and monthly bills and needs to save for those yearly bills.

Then after accounting for everything else eg car, petrol, food etc what he has left if any can be split into savings (for emergencies) and an amount he can spend over the next month.

Coming home will not be the best thing for anyone including him

I agree entirely. All of us have something we could probably do to help ourselves do better.

The guy is refusing to acknowledge how big an issue his out bursts are. And other more covert behaviour. That is entirely on him.

From what you've said OP, your son's behaviour is always going to make it difficult for him to get decent accommodation, or a job that pays enough for him to afford better.

It's not just housing. His inability to manage money will mean his credit history will be shot. And if he reacts so badly to other people, sooner or later he'll find himself caught up in the justice system. All things that will only make his life harder as he gets older.

So it's up to him. Either he accepts that he needs help - help that you can't give him, OP - or he doesn't, and continues on this downward spiral.

He is not incapable of looking after himself. So to answer the question in your post OP - no, I would not sacrifice the rest of the family on the altar of his overbearing personality. I know what this can be like to live with.

If he is prepared to accept that he needs help, I think@Pleaseshutthefuckup has some very down-to-earth advice about getting PIP, which would be a good place to start. As Google says: "PIP is considered a 'gateway benefit' in that it can open the door to other benefits and services. Specifically, receiving PIP can mean you're automatically eligible for certain other benefits, such as Carer's Allowance.."
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How would he feel about a van conversion to live in and a subscription to a gym for showers?

@FairKoala I think your perspective is really important. I agree that he doesn't think his aggression and all other issues are a problem. Instead he thinks it's everyone else.

OP has talked to him but he refuses to acknowledge he's ND at all. With this mindset, there's no hope OP can do anything there.

I regularly talk to my own ND teen about how to help things but the insistence that they aren't ND, there's no problem with behaviour etc is there too. You learn you can't argue with this.

I'll add in the complexity associated with being male here. I believe it makes for a much different mix of problems than women. ND women learn to just shut up and mask and conform. The problem with him is compounded because he's a male. ( I'm trying not to be sexist about this).

OP, be careful calling your daughter "sensitive" it is the language abusers use to dismiss the boundaries and distress of their victims.

You describe your son as aggressive and intimidating, why wouldn't your daughters find that absolutely oppressive in their home?

If I was told this from my daughters friends I would advise them to tell a teacher, go to a police statiom, ring SS and report how the feel in their home.

It is very sad but you will lose your daughters if you allow bullying in the home to resume with his return. He will not move out any time soon if he returns and your daughters could ultimately be driven from their home.

They are entitled to a safe environment.
I do appreciate that it is very very hard to navigate though.