I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

You clearly have not experienced having a DC on the spectrum. Count yourself lucky.
This lad is struggling because he is neurodiverse. He is not some spoilt overgrown brat. Maybe try educating yourself a bit before being so fucking judgemental towards a disabled young man.

With the aggressive streak you mention I can see your problem - you have other children / young adults to care for and keep safe

it’s a society problem really - after all you can’t look after him all your life.

Being unhappy with your life is normal for many people , but aggressive tendencies will make it harder for others to help you out

Hmmm I'm ND and I disagree that you need mollycoddling. Autism is a spectrum anyway so treatment depends where you fall on that spectrum. If you can hold down a job, live independently and drive, and are not entitled to any form of disability support, then you also don't need your parents to step in and take over when life gets a bit difficult. Plenty of ND/autistic individuals are more than capable of leading successful independent lives. I never had the option of NOT leading an independent life, and I've muddled through!

The 'poor lad' comments from other posters aren't related to his autism anyway - those are more the ones I am commenting on. At 25, you're not a 'poor lad/lass' if your parents expect you to have flown the nest!

And your comment is helpful much?

Then let him live in his car.
his choice
it is summer he will be ok for a while
Either he is a competent adult who can make his own decdecision however bad
or not and needs supported living
You can offer support eg deposit for a room
Do not bring him back think of your dc who are not adults

OP, so difficult for you.
Unfortunately domineering and aggressive are not traits your daughters should have to endure.
I do not think he will ever leave.
My lovely neighbour died a few years ago.
Her son is 60.
He returned home for a few months after the breakdown of a relationship age 30, a year after his father died.
He never left.
He completely dominated the house.
She couldn't have friends visit and led a lonely sad life.
She told me one day she bitterly regretted the day she allowed him return.
Her lovely husband was turning in his grave at what her life had become.

Miss that he is autistic?

hust because you have a disability , you find things harder than the average person , that really doesn’t not excuse aggressive and destructive behaviours

She did say "We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls...", @PrettyPuss - which does lead me to think that he caused the damage in his room.

OP I think you have done a marvellous job in raising your son. He has diagnosed difficulties yet he has independent accommodation, has a job, drives a car, and presumably pays bills and feeds himself.

To take him back would negate all that hard work on both sides and back to being a minor child again. Please consider the investment you have both put in and think of the resulting dependence again if he moves back in. That's what I'm thinking anyway.

If I were you I would do everything I could to get him another room/studio whatever. If he refuses, refer to adult services and see what happens, but I would not regress matters for all your sakes.

I would actually be really pushing for him to try to get council accommodation. I think you should let him go through the process of being evicted and trying to get him a council flat. With his Autism he should qualify as a vulnerable person. Yes it will be tough for all of you but at least he would end up with a secure tenancy and not be in this position again.

Ffs let's pile onto the lad with autism and suggest he is some sort of pervert - seriously?

If he is that violent, why was he ever living there? Lots of teenagers damage small things like that.

I think that you have to take him home, if supportive living isn't available for him.
Many disabled children never become independent.
I think it is something that you have to expect while they're young.
My Aunt in her 70's has 2 children in their 50's that will never live independently.
Set down ground rules for everyone in the home.
It's very sad when this happens.

I think you're right not to let him back. It's too detrimental to your daughters, and he needs to learn to be an adult. I'd offer support in finding a new place to live, and help out financially with the cost of the move if that was affordable, but if he won't take the support then it's his own choice to face the consequences.

If I cannot add to the discussion I say nothing, until I see unhelpful comments when op is going through enough difficulties

Punching holes in the walls and ruining carpets is not ‘damaging small things, and nor is it acceptable behavior from a teenager.

Presumably he was living there because he was a child OP was responsible for, which is not the case now.

If one of your daughters was in a relationship with someone who was aggressive enough to put a hole in the wall then they broke up would you be happy that he moved back in?

I'm aware that often those less affected, are better helped, than others with a more severe condition. That's sometimes due to professionals who know the system of applying for it.

However one of your sons was cared for in the hospital system, paid for by the state.
The other presumably lived in the general community, so received benefits.

To an outsider, that seems a fair system, though I'm sure you've had many a battle with that system over the years.
I understand as well as I can, must have been very hard. "Walk a mile in my shoes".

I'm generalising alot.

I have no experience at all with girls, especially ND girls but I understand and see a pattern when it comes to mum's and their ND sons.

I don't feel that ND people need mollycoddling. It's a natural human response for many mum's to overcompensate in response to the vulnerability of their ND kids who will ha struggled.

A point hopefully comes where you realise you aren't helping anyone in doing so.

I think you and your DS need to tolerate some short-to-medium-term discomfort for your DDs' sake, but also his, yours and your DHs. In the long run, facing this now will help him build independence. If you don’t, your mental health, your husband’s, and your daughters’ will deteriorate, and he still won’t be any further forward.

My teen son says he isn't ND. I pulled the diagnosis report out. 3 professionals.

Still everyone else is wrong. It's very heartbreaking and also a moment where you think what can I really do here? What's the right thing? Can I save him really?

Sometimes one person is more of a target for difficult behaviour than another. Your son will adapt behaviour at work to a huge extent. He's possibly a better version of himself in front of you too.

The daughter you call sensitive. I disagree. I'll suggest she's reacting very rightly to something she doesn't like. It's very likely she experiences the worst aspects of him. Please don't undermine this.
I lived with an abusive brother, protected by my nuts mother who still enables today. Very very dangerous.

I don't believe your son can come back under these circumstances. There's more going on than you're acknowledging in terms of his intimidating impact and lack of accountability.

And no I don't mean sexual abuse whoever made that stretch based on this thread. Not ok.

Axel Rudakabana was /is disabled. I don't need to read any more online or any further reports to see that he was incredibly vulnerable at a point in time, that he is also ND, that he needed support.

But he also had something else going on and because of that he murdered young girls.

I am not saying this to tarnish a group of people or to say anything like this is happening with OPs situation.

This reference is to highlight the very reality that we often have a co existing situation which involves vulnerability, disability and need for support - alongside risk, no accountability, negative detrimental impact on others. We can have a multitude of ' conditions ' co existing and the risk is too great, despite vulnerability and disability.

Your aunt could very well be totally dominated in her own home,cowering internally over every interaction with those dependants. And no one would see it, would believe her or give a shit in public services at least.

It's not right in this situation that he's there.

DS aside, I don’t think your daughter should be described as ‘sensitive’ because she doesn’t like being around someone who bullies and intimidates her and breaks things.

Whilst he thinks the option to come back home is on the table of course he isn't going to engage with looking for a other room.

Apart from his behaviour, he's an adult who's moved out, and you have repurposed his room (rightly so).
Where does he think he will sleep?

You need to draw a line under the idea of him coming back. Tell him it's not an option but you'll help him find a room. Yes it's stressful but as an adult there no other option but to deal with it all.

Let him sleep in his car if he won't try anything else, but you need to allow him to feel the consequences of his behaviour towards other people. He won't change if he's allowed back home to behave just however he wants.