Husband commented on Bride’s size and her friend overheard

[PollTravels]

As above really. Wedding on Saturday - DH’s mate. We don’t really know his now wife too well, I’d never met her and DH had met her maybe once.

Anyway - as she walked down the aisle, DH said (quietly he thought) to me that it’s a good job the aisle was wide.

I gave him a nudge as to say ‘shut it’.

DH was later confronted by one of the bride’s friends who was sat in front of us who told him she heard the comment and thought he was disgusting (words to that effect).

DH is now worried that this friend would have reported back to his mate, and wants to reach out to say sorry.

I think he should shut it and that his mate probably hasn’t been told. DH disagrees…would you agree it’s best not to say anything?

Belittling a bride about her appearance not only on her wedding day, but as she literally walks past you down the aisle, loud enough for someone to hear - which means she too could have heard or found out and ruined the memory forever for her....is not a minor misdemeanour, its indicative of someone having a terrible character. The fact that you don't acknowledge this says you're as bad and he clearly thought you'd be open to hearing it.

You shouldn't LTB, you're fine together. But you shouldn't mix with other people really. Unless of course they meet your specific aesthetics.

It isn't the same, no, but I wanted to know of you would apply the same logic regarding "jokes" that other people didn't hear.

I'm very glad to hear that you no longer have disordered eating. It's just a shame that your own coping strategy seems to rely on having desensitised yourself to any issues around food/weight to such extent that you have lost basic empathy for women who might still be struggling with these issues.

Oh my goodness! Sanity at last! Thankyou for this, this thread is a parallel universe of defensive humourlessness.

Why are you not horrified already? Is it because he didn't say it about you? Or because you have not heard him say it about you? Even if you had never been larger, why are such comments not offensive to you in general?

Your husband was rude and disrespectful and he felt nothing wrong with not only being so shallow, but to express his shallow and disgusting attitude out loud where the people around him could hear it. He thought that these seemingly random strangers would not judge him for being so judgemental of a woman's appearance.

And even now, your first post is all about him wanting to cover his ass and you helping him. Seriously, OP, why are you not disgusted by his attitude and behavior towards women in general? Why are you thinking on his behalf on how to "fix" this?

It's isn't clear though as you never condemned him for saying it in your first post?
I'm guessing he has a history of fat shaming then, vile man.

Does he often whisper unkind things about people?

Yes, he was a twat, but as others have said, the bride's friend is not going to want to hurt her by repeating what your husband said.

I think him worrying about potential consequences of his nasty words might teach him to keep his mean thoughts to himself in future, which can only be a good thing.

I think it’s more than a misdemeanour. Anyone who can make a cruel comment on a brides day that she has paid for and invited you to be part of, loud enough to be heard by others, is disgusting. Anyone who can look at a joyful, radiant, loving bride and think ugly thoughts rather than share the joy of the moment with friends and family is a negative, awful person.

He was dragged up and you are fine with that. He won’t learn his lesson because he will still think that way even if he doesn’t say it out loud. That would bother me and I couldn’t be with a person like that. But you do you and minimise the situation. Your husband told you who he is (and I’m sure this isn’t the first time) and you refuse to believe him.

Regardless of how you feel about overweight people it’s pathetic to comment on a bride’s body when she is walking down the aisle, whether she is skinny or overweight or anything else. It’s not even a remotely funny “joke”

Wow, he is vile.
He deserves to be found out, only it would be nicer to spare the brides feelings.

Do you mean your husband wants to apologise to his mate for what he said about the bride ?

the friend would be an absolute shit stirring bad friend to pass on something so mean , so hopefully nothing has been said

leave well alone

I agree

They might still tell the groom but ask him not to tell the bride. The groom should know, since he is OPs husband’s friend, so he can act accordingly.

Again, do you make jokes about any overweight colleagues? If yes, why not?

He's shown his true colours op, but I expect you know what a dickhead you married

Calling something a “joke” doesn’t mean it’s not nasty and misogynistic.
If you make ableist or racist “jokes” about someone is that ok as long as you don’t say it to the person?

Google tells me :
The average main aisle in a church is typically at least 4 feet wide, with many churches opting for 5 feet or more.

but you defend yourself by saying ' There’s nothing wrong with being a bit larger ' however your delightful husband says ' it’s a good job the aisle was wide ' implying the Bride is at least 48 inches across...

what is it like being married to an adonis ?

Mocking a bride as she walks down the aisle is a dick move, the fact you would have giggled makes you also a dick. It IS misogyny to make jokes about a woman's size.

I am glad this friend confronted your husband. But if she says anything to the groom or bride, then that would be a hideous and hurtful thing to do. I presume she won’t.

@Emonade Of course in terms of the law making jokes about someone's size isn't the same as being racist or homophobic, but in terms of the effect on the individual it very much could be.

If Jo Brand & Kathy Burke want to make jokes about their weight, thats for them to decide. Dave Chappell often makes jokes about being black - that no more gives you the go ahead to do the same as Kathy Burke et al are giving you to make jokes at larger peoples expense.

Is this one of those teeny tiny attempts at fat shaming perfectly normal women?
I’ve been similarly massive myself - size 14/16 🙄
Your dh is an utter arsehole, but you’re not far behind him, op.

Whether or not you think it is “ok” it’s the average. And this thread isn’t about the obesity epidemic it’s about a man with no manners making nasty unfunny “jokes” about a bride’s body as she walks down the aisle.

Being a size 16 might not be considered the healthiest, but that doesnt give her douche canoe of a husband the right to take the piss out of a bride LITERALLY WALKING DOWN THE AISLE.

If he was hugely concerned for the health of this virtual stranger, perhaps he could address that element of it directly with her at a more appropriate time....

I agree with this. The bride's size is a red herring. Anything he said may have said in a negative way about her appearance, within earshot of her and others as she's walking down the aisle, is indicative of the mind of an utter wanker. I would not want to be married to an utter wanker, but I guess someone has to be, otherwise there would be no threads on Mumsnet.

So imagine you're walking down the aisle and you hear someone stage whisper,

blimey, that bride was at the back of the queue when they were handing out tits
God, that groom's got a head like a dropped pie
the bride can't be a real blonde, I wonder if the carpets match the curtains

None of thes are about weight. All of them say a more about the person that thought/said it than the object of the comment.

Humour is a personal thing, but I don't think there's much humour in judging other's bodies. I thought we were past that. Maybe that makes me humourless, fair enough.

...while standing next to his wife, who was, until recently, THE SAME SIZE AS THE BRIDE.