Husband commented on Bride’s size and her friend overheard

[PollTravels]

As above really. Wedding on Saturday - DH’s mate. We don’t really know his now wife too well, I’d never met her and DH had met her maybe once.

Anyway - as she walked down the aisle, DH said (quietly he thought) to me that it’s a good job the aisle was wide.

I gave him a nudge as to say ‘shut it’.

DH was later confronted by one of the bride’s friends who was sat in front of us who told him she heard the comment and thought he was disgusting (words to that effect).

DH is now worried that this friend would have reported back to his mate, and wants to reach out to say sorry.

I think he should shut it and that his mate probably hasn’t been told. DH disagrees…would you agree it’s best not to say anything?

Well put.

I agree entirely.

The point of this thread isn’t to define what overweight means or to discuss the obesity crisis. It’s about the rudeness and ignorance of a man commenting on a woman’s body on her special day. Why are you so insistent on pointing out which sizes are overweight ?? Regardless of whether this person is overweight or not it doesn’t make the man’s comment acceptable so I don’t know what your point is exactly. Some people on this thread seem to making the whole thread about their insistence that a size 14 is “fat”. It’s bizarre

Take out what he said, do you not see the significance of saying something nasty, towards a Bride, as she walks down the aisle? Was he never taught that every thought doesn't need to be verbalised, or is he one of those men, who thinks we all need to hear his wisdom? It could have spoilt the wedding for the main players. Her Dad, walking with her, could have heard it. As said, it might be picked up on a recording. There are occasions when if you haven't got anything nice to say, you don't say anything. Do the pair of you not get how horrible that is? Does he do it to men? If asked, are you both going to justify it to the groom?

I don’t understand why you are in such denial that you think a size 14/16 is not overweight. I think my point is very clear, you on the other hand are not concise. My point still stands that a size 14/16 is not slim. It might be the average size for the UK but that only means we have larger waists than we previously did, why is that so difficult to understand?

Well yes, people do all sorts of shitty things. For example, fat shaming a friend as they walk down the aisle on their wedding day. What point are you trying to make?

I think some of them have lost weight and want their chance at being in the bullies’ club.

Size 14 isn’t even over 25 bmi for some builds. My friend modelled ( not plus size) as a size 14.

So if the bride was a size 34 or unusually large then it’s okay for him to comment because he couldn’t help it… okay. I guess we know where you stand on that point.

I'm not in denial - my post literally says that it's normal to be overweight.

And it doesn’t matter what size the Bride is - or any person for that matter.

There are no excuses for making derogatory comments.

Is it nice to mock someone just because of their size? No. Do people still do it? Yes.

Right @onepearljoker people do it but they shouldn't do it. If they do it, they should be prepared for decent people to be appalled and to call them out on it.

I don't ever hear fat jokes or abuse about fat people in my life. I have friends and family of all sizes and none of them are interested in making fun of fat people. They don't comment on them in public or in private, they don't come away from weddings saying unkind things about a size 14 bride or a size 34 bride. They just don't. Because the people I choose to keep in my life aren't judgemental and nasty. My kids learn tolerance and empathy at home and at school. We don't have to accept bullies and bigots as inevitable; we can put effort in collectively to countering and challenging and eventually overcoming that kind of attitude and behaviour. It might be an even greater challenge than ending the obesity crisis - if only there were injections that stopped people from being absolute fucking pricks! - but that doesn't mean we should just throw our hands up and say that's fine carry on with your fat jokes. We can say, that's shitty, have a bit of compassion and emotional maturity.

It makes perfect sense. You're trying to create a hierarchy of the cruel and spiteful whereby those who mock peoples appearance when it's obvious they are disabled are worse than those who mock peoples appearance when they don't know whether they're disabled or not. It's you who's clutching at straws to excuse the second group on the grounds they don't know whether the person is disabled or not. When really, what difference does it make? You either find it hilarious that some people have larger bodies than others or you don't. Why does the sight of a size 14 woman suddenly stop being funny to you if you know she's on steroids?

I suggest you step outside of your own opinions and search for some facts.

Im 5ft 10 and I’m a 14-16 and I’m not overweight. My BMI is in the screenshots and if you don’t believe aim a 14-16 then I’ll snap a few of my labels.

I think you’re the one in denial.

Edit: Also this obsession either being ‘slim’ is fucking mind boggling. What is slim? Is it a size? A certain waist measurement? A certain weight or look decided by what’s fashionable at a point in history? A slim person can have lots of visceral fat around their organs but look ‘slim’ and have more body fat than an outwardly ‘less slim’ person. Honestly, the hoops some women on here are jumping through to prove how overweight some women must be is insane.

Yes, you've got me, it's totally clear from all my posts that I'm 100% in favour of pointing and shouting at very large people and I think that a size 34 bride should have the entire congregation stand up and recoil in horror at the very sight of her.

Or, you're being very deliberately obtuse in ignoring everyone's very patient explanations that a size 14 woman is not a remarkable outlier. She may be overweight, she may even be obese depending on height, build and fat distribution. But there are many women of this size around. That's what we mean by saying it's normal. The word in this context does not necessarily mean ideal, desirable, aspirational, whatever it is that you pretend to think people mean when they say it.

But for the purposes of clarification, no I do not think he would have been justified in his comments were the bride larger and I have said that elsewhere. I should have added a sentence to my post saying that so that it couldn't be misinterpreted, deliberately or otherwise, by anyone so very determined to miss the point.

Its possible that OnePearlJoker only buys cheap brands which tend to be much larger for the same size. That might account for some of the confusion.

To answer the ops question if I were the friend in this situation here is what I would do.
Not say anything to the bride or groom on the day.
However if the ops dh showed up at a later event I was at with the bride and groom then yes, I would let the groom know. I would say something like ‘I’m surprised you want to socialise with him, after what I heard him say about your wife.’ Then I would see how the conversation went and if he wanted to know the truth I would tell him. The groom is then free to decide how he wants to proceed.
For me life is too short to spend it with pricks like the ops dh,
I’m also guessing the ops dh is no beautiful specimen himself.

The entire point of a thread in general is to discuss from different opinions… so you might need to look into that if you think people will only discuss the topic this is MN after all. Some pp was discussing mental health, being gay and racism… so you may need to tell them to only stick to the topic as they clearly haven’t read your memo. My point is clear, which I stand by. But I’ll tell you again incase you don’t understand it. Many people were saying a size 14/16 is slim, not big at all, not fat. I disagree. That’s my point.

And ironically that poster is arguing that the fact that many people are size 14-16 doesn’t make it “ normal” or acceptable, yet then points to the fact that many people do laugh and comment about weight and it happens all the time as some kind of justification.

I’m also guessing the ops dh is no beautiful specimen himself.

I'm sure he a veritable 90s Brad Pitt. Probably gets a round of applause when he walks into a room.

This. At 5 foot 9 with size 9 feet, my skeleton literally won't let me be any smaller. Not everyone has the rib cage of a sparrow 🙄 and after a lifetime of being shamed by people who think that everyone could be size 6 if they just got a grip of their eating, it's getting a bit wearing!

Right. You just keep harping on about it then if it makes you happy.

Mocking poor people who can’t afford to buy expensive brands, the comment really shows what kind of person you are. But I’m rich and slim so don’t need to buy from cheap plus size shop 👀

Oooh rich and slim. Burn. Do you realise how pathetic you sound.

Your point has been heard. Many times. All the size 14 people on the thread now know that you think they're fat. And yes, you are quite within your rights to come onto the thread and tell them that if that's important to you. I think the point is, why? When the subject being discussed is the inappropriate behaviour of a man at a wedding, why do you need to turn it into an opportunity to tell women they're fat? Genuinely interested in your thinking.

😂OK I see now

Good for you but not everyone is like that, hence the op posting about her husband making the comments… I think it’s foolish to think people don’t judge others based on appearance.