Husband commented on Bride’s size and her friend overheard

[PollTravels]

As above really. Wedding on Saturday - DH’s mate. We don’t really know his now wife too well, I’d never met her and DH had met her maybe once.

Anyway - as she walked down the aisle, DH said (quietly he thought) to me that it’s a good job the aisle was wide.

I gave him a nudge as to say ‘shut it’.

DH was later confronted by one of the bride’s friends who was sat in front of us who told him she heard the comment and thought he was disgusting (words to that effect).

DH is now worried that this friend would have reported back to his mate, and wants to reach out to say sorry.

I think he should shut it and that his mate probably hasn’t been told. DH disagrees…would you agree it’s best not to say anything?

Thanks. Likewise I leave you to enjoy thinking you're better than me.

I obviously haven’t followed it as closely as you. I only know I responded to what struck me as one post in a string of pejorative comments about weight and the “fact” that the bride was indeed fat, ergo why is there anything wrong in saying it. It was part of a general discussion of obesity epidemic.

The point I was making is that just because you may think something is true doesn’t give a free pass to comment. Lots of people are ugly. Lots of people are all sorts of things but it’s generally considered rude and hurtful to comment with intent to criticise. The last “free pass”, however, seems to be weight - though even then only in one direction.You can’t call someone gaunt. People get terribly upset if anyone dares point out that past a certain age thinner people tend to be more wrinkled. It’s also “rude” to call people unkind or bitter. That gets a reaction you can always flush out from the fat shamers. Yet the very same people who object to that will also happily criticise people for being fat on the basis of “ truth.” We can either say it as we see it or not; it’s not one rule for some but not others.

Whilst I agree no one should make comments about anyone's size, comparing making a rather lame fat joke to laughing at people who are disabled is a stretch! Plenty of people who have high IQs also make fun of fat people. I guess fatphobia is still a thing. People judge all the time, it's primal nature. Animals judge the strength of other animals based on their size. We really have not evolved at all. Is it right? No. But people are always going to be making some stupid comment and judging someone.

All you need to do is look under quote history where you have posted a comment, not that hard.

You seemed to be sensitive about weight hence your comments. Everyone has a right to say their views, you might not like it or agree with it but that is their opinion. This is MN where rules about rudeness do not apply, again hence your comments. You cant change what other people think, there was a post on here a few weeks ago about judging fat nurses and most the comments there said yes they would, just based on appearence. Nurses are HCP, who have trained at uni for 3/4 years, what they look like has nothing to do with how they do their job, yet most the comments were saying they wouldnt take advice from them... so that is the world we are living in. Everyone judges... brides on their wedding day and people who's job is to to help you.

Your husband is STUPID.

I had to lose ten stone to get down to a 14 and if anyone had made comments like that in my earshot it likely would have provoked a reaction they would not have liked.

The issue is that your DH would aay something like that out loud, horrible.

But a size 14/16 is not “perfectly sized” - that is overweight.

Stop advising/ trying to protect him from his twattery and enjoy watching the CF tie himself in knots. His worry and squirming is the consequence for being a vile twat, why are you so keen to smooth things over, especially when you say you disapprove?

I assume that by 'normal' she means average and not out of the ordinary. The average women's dress size in the UK is a size 16.

Perfectly normal sized. I think you'll agree that a size 14-16 person does not need a church aisle to be widened? That they aren't of a size that would be unusual to see? So, she's normal in that plenty of people that size are around. You keep popping up to say this size is overweight but I don't see how it's relevant? Do you make comments every time you see a woman that you think is over a BMI of 25? I would hope not.

Overweight people are allowed to exist and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity like anyone else. And if you get yourself all upset about the sight of a woman size 14 and above you'll never get anything done. A bride that size (or any size) should be able to walk down the aisle without her guests insulting her.

She said 'perfectly normal size' not 'perfectly sized'. You are selectively quoting and completely changing the meaning.

It's not a stretch at all.

Many people are fat because of mental health problems. If you wouldn't laugh at mental health problems then you shouldn't laugh at fat people

Many (like I was) are fat due to massive doses of steroids,.to treat disabling conditions. If you wouldn't laugh at someone with a disability then you shouldn't laugh at fat people.

What you said really is a stretch, you’re clutching at straws now.

Many many people are also fat due to bad diet and lack of exercise. Like I was. It wasn’t due to mental health or steroids, but down to my own poor choices. No one’s fault but my own. Mental health issues are an invisible condition like many disabilities, so you wouldn’t know a person has issues. Whilst being fat is very visible, so the point you’re trying to make doesn’t exist or even make sense.

Weird that you think misogyny about someone on their own wedding day is minor. Shows what's in his head doesn't it. If my DH said this I would rip him a new one - but he would never. It wouldn't occur to him to trash a woman on her wedding day. What a shit person.

@Emonade
A quiet joke between partners about someone’s appearance

That's how you amuse yourself? You sound like an absolute charmer.

It’s the average dress size because we have gotten fatter as a nation. A lot of people don’t seem to know what average means. People are kidding themselves if they think a size 16 is not overweight, which makes sense considering we are in an obesity crisis.

Of course it makes sense

Lots of people mocked me when I gained a huge amount of weight on steroids. I was on steroids to fight a dangerously disabling and life threatening condition.

Its outrageous to mock anyone for their size.

I don't understand why you find this so difficult. It is, indeed, normal to be overweight. So calling a size 14-16 normal is totally correct (and a 14-16 may or may not be overweight depending on clothing brand, height and amount of ease in the clothes). What is your point?

Good grief, the point of saying it's the average size is to highlight that it's not even as if this poor bride was so startlingly, unusually large that the bloke couldn't help but comment. He must see size 14-16 women every day of his life and guess what, they have a right to exist and not be insulted either going about their business day to day or walking down the aisle.

Guarantee I’ve never thought anything like that at a wedding because I’m there to celebrate with the couple not bitch about them, even in my head. What a weird thing to think.

You are right: of course it makes sense.

I have a couple of friends who have good reason for their weight gain and they are things that make them far from bad people. Yet the vocal vitriol and condescension they weather is well beyond anything anyone in their right mind would consider acceptable for any other condition or presentation.

As a society we tiptoe around so many issues - and that’s not a bad thing.

But there is a certain element in society - presumably casting about for an outlet for ridicule and bullying when so many other avenues for it are rightly shut down to them - who seem to take the gloves off when it comes to overweight people. They seem to feel it’s somehow acceptable ( and yet can’t take similar criticism in the reverse direction).

The enlightened and empathetic really don’t see it as any different from a “joke” about a disabled person or a racial “joke.”

People are entitled to exist and go about their business without feeling judged for their person. We should all be far quicker to judge unkindness - and yet there are some on this thread who concede they would find it “funny” to laugh at a bride as she walked up the aisle, or would defend it on the basis of “ truth.” It seems that truth is somewhat subjective anyway.

I can't understand why anyone wants to try to argue the moral high ground for people who insult the overweight. For posters to say, 'oh well, it's not like they're mocking disabled people' feels a bit desperate tbh.

You didn't deserve cruel treatment for your weight, whether it was caused by steroids or anything else and the people who did that are just horrible, judgemental, unpleasant people. I wouldn't want them in my life whether they draw an arbitrary line at making fun of people for disabilities or race or wherever else they suddenly develop a moral conscience.

Anyone who wants to laugh at fat people justifies it to themselves by thinking 'oh but they're so lazy and greedy and stupid, they deserve condemnation and you know what probably a good dose of shame and humiliation will motivate them to lose weight so I'm just doing them a favour'. These are people who aren't interested in the literature proving that shaming people for their weight does not lead to weight loss and the maintenance of a healthy weight long-term for most people. They aren't interested in why obesity is on the rise because that would mean identifying societal and environmental factors. If they acknowledge, as the WHO does, that obesity is a complex and multifactorial condition then they can't quite justify laughing at fat people in the same way. It will spoil their enjoyment.

And from time immemorial, bigots and bullies have always found reasons that their victims deserve what they get. Gay people are committing a crime against God, disabled people are being punished for crimes in a former life, black people are just genetically inferior, women are too emotional to be trusted with the vote - there's always a reason why someone will decide a certain group of people don't deserve respect and equal treatment. When it comes to fat people, anyone who loves to have a pop can tell themselves all the reasons that fat people have it coming. It's all on the same nasty spectrum as far as I'm concerned!

I cross-posted with you @calliopespa - totally agree!

Comparing something visible such as weight to something that isn’t visible is not comparable at all and definitely does not make sense in the point you’re trying to prove. Is it nice to mock someone just because of their size? No. Do people still do it? Yes.