Husband commented on Bride’s size and her friend overheard

[PollTravels]

As above really. Wedding on Saturday - DH’s mate. We don’t really know his now wife too well, I’d never met her and DH had met her maybe once.

Anyway - as she walked down the aisle, DH said (quietly he thought) to me that it’s a good job the aisle was wide.

I gave him a nudge as to say ‘shut it’.

DH was later confronted by one of the bride’s friends who was sat in front of us who told him she heard the comment and thought he was disgusting (words to that effect).

DH is now worried that this friend would have reported back to his mate, and wants to reach out to say sorry.

I think he should shut it and that his mate probably hasn’t been told. DH disagrees…would you agree it’s best not to say anything?

14/16 isn't a big size.

I was thinking 20+ and even then he shouldn't have said anything.

I very much doubt the bride's friend would say anything. I wouldn't in that position.

I actually posted quite recently about my weight as a size 14 woman and was told by several MNers that I was fat. Weird how this place works.

You hate fat people, don't you?

While I think probably quite a few people would have inevitably commented on the bride’s weight in private, that your DH did it as she was WALKING DOWN THE AISLE is what is so nasty. While she was making one of the most precious memories of her life. So stupid and spiteful of your DH.

I agree, it’s just super sad. My partner’s brother loves swimming but he won’t go swimming in the uk as he’s large and thinks everyone will look at him and make bitchy comments. I always reassure him that the people in the local leisure centre are hardly body beautiful, don’t care and that no one will comment. But people like @Emonade and the OP’s husband are making me think that perhaps they would. I know in his case if he heard a comment like that he’d probably never go back.

Perhaps thinking she is fat because she actually is fat? So now we have to pretend that fat people are thin? Why is it virtuous to not mention size, unless you do think being fat is such a terrible thing?
So someone very fat becomes the elephant in the room.

Yeah, same happened to me at school. I’ve got a unique kind of look some people liked to take the piss out of. It didn’t affect my self esteem though because I was always happy with how I looked and that’s all that matters. It would just bounce off me if I heard someone say anything nasty about me because I don’t care for their opinion. So I do think it’s a pretty big overreaction to feel like it would ruin your whole day if you’re happy in yourself. Obviously he shouldn’t have said it though.

I am not sure it's "pretending fat people are thin" to have the self control and manners to resist making a puerile fat joke as a bride walks down the aisle.

Do you always say everything that enters your head? Are you a small child?

The thing is, the worst offenders of commenting on body shape and size are not the beautiful people..i know your intentions are good but people do make snide comments and it doesn't help to gaslight fat people's experience of fatphobia and bullying.

Then you are very lucky that you weren't affected by it, @Ratisshortforratthew. I was having suicidal thoughts by the time I was 14. I remember holding a penknife blade to my wrist. I have been left with clinical depression - and since I've had it for at least the past 45 years, I don't see that going away - I'll be on medication, and just coping, for the rest of my life.

Not everyone is as resilient as you.

You think that most people would comment on the size of a bride (who they presumably know, so no shock)? Wow. And in this case her size is totally normal, so what would the comment be? What would be controversial enough to need a private conversation?

Incidentally I find it interesting that @PollTravels‘s ‘D’H has only met the bride once - maybe the groom already knows he’s a judgemental prick and has protected his wife, only inviting him to the wedding to avoid controversy.

Were you in some kind of miniature church, it makes no sense to say such a comment about a perfectly normal size woman

Well, he didn't mean it as a factual comment, did he? He was mocking the bride as she walked down the aisle. His comment was snide and clearly meant as an insult.

Someone who is body-positive or a fat acceptance activist will advocate for the word fat to be a neutral descriptor and not an insult. I can completely understand the logic. But even if you drain the negative connotations that society has attached to the word 'fat', would it be appropriate to announce that the bride is fat as she walks down the aisle? We aren't living in a world where 'fat' is a benign adjective. We aren't living in a world where his comment could be intended or interpreted in a neutral way.

By what he said, he was making it clear what he thinks of fat women. And it's not a compliment. Understanding that intentions were unkind and critical doesn't mean that I think someone being fat is a terrible thing. But I still understand it's terrible to make a snide comment about the bride being fat as she walks down the aisle. If you don't understand that, how on earth do you navigate social situations? You'd have to be extremely crass or staggeringly obtuse to think 'oh he was just making an honest observation so it's fine'.

Good grief! Are you serious. No one is asking anyone to pretend anything, just not to make not-so-sotto voce comments overheard by others ON THEIR WEDDING DAY. You can think what you like but saying it to someone else as the person you’re slagging off is in the process of getting married is completely cruel and disrespectful.

Just off to pretend that you’re averagely bright and possess a few comprehension skills.

She’s a size 14/16. Slightly below average.
Refrain8ng from pointing and shouting ‘fat’ isn’t the same as pretending someone is thin. It’s possible to register size without judgement, just as you would height.
It’s generally considered polite not to comment negatively on any aspect of a person’s physical appearance, by the way. It’s not reserved for the terrible sin of carrying a few extra pounds.

Well for the millionth time, we aren't talking about thoughts, we're talking about loud speech. Think what you like, if a bride dressed up and on the way to get married evokes "Jesus she looks rough" in you, that says more about you than her. No ones asked him to pretend anything. Equally no one asked for his opinion on it. We're not compelled to shout out truths 24/7 are we?

She's not on a dating show hoping for his hand in marriage and therefore open to his opinion of her bod or her level of attractiveness. She's quite literally on her way to marry someone who clearly does think she's attractive.

If people started shouting out "You're pig ugly" at you as you walked past going about your day would you be OK with the 'well I'm just saying what we're all thinking' argument? Actually, let me guess - you wouldn't be bothered at all because other peoples opinions don't matter to you...🙄

What is this compulsion to say to fat people they are fat? They know it. You don't have to lie, if they asked you you could say it..nobody asked the man in this story to comment. He volunteered a joke at her expense on her wedding day. Nobody is holding a gun to your head to lie or comment on people's bodies. It's a basic social skill that you're expected to grasp by 10 years of age.

Nothing to be gained by your husband apologising. What the hell would he say anyway?! Hope he learns to stfu in future.

Hope you/he never put on any weight..

Are we playing trauma top trumps now? I’ve also been on antidepressants for decades and been apprehended by police in the midst of a suicide attempt. I still think placing this much weight on other people’s bitchy comments is stupid. People can be nasty, that’s unfortunately life.

You don’t have to “pretend” anything.

Except maybe pretend that you’re not a complete arsehole, which seems to be beyond some people’s histrionic talents, God help them.

No - we are simply trying to explain that different people react differently to bullying.

And frankly, calling it 'trauma top trumps' seems like a nasty attempt to get me to shut up, when all I was trying to do was to explain a different point of view.

We don’t actually know his weight now…
We do know OP has ‘slimmed down’ from the same size as the bride.

I doubt op is reading anymore but if you are, yeah no don't say anything and fgs do better. If the mate confronts him he will have to apologise but lets hope they havent heard. You're married to a nasty man.

I think probably quite a few people would have inevitably commented on the bride’s weight in private

I'm really glad to say that I can't think of anyone among my friends and family who would leave a wedding and then talk about how the size 14 bride was fat. I would be very surprised if the guests at this wedding were thinking it!

Mind you, I can't think of anyone I like or respect who would come away from a wedding where the bride was plus-size and say how fat she was either.

Look it was a daft, clearly nasty thing to say but it was a silly joke, in very poor taste but it wasn’t meant to be heard by anyone. I’m sure you’re all not saints on here and have said things that you shouldn’t have for a cheap laugh or whatever!
id leave it be, if the friend repeats anything that says more about her than anything! But I’m sure he’s learnt his lesson if he’s genuinely mortified and sorry!
I don’t think people can judge him on here by one act!