Husband commented on Bride’s size and her friend overheard

[PollTravels]

As above really. Wedding on Saturday - DH’s mate. We don’t really know his now wife too well, I’d never met her and DH had met her maybe once.

Anyway - as she walked down the aisle, DH said (quietly he thought) to me that it’s a good job the aisle was wide.

I gave him a nudge as to say ‘shut it’.

DH was later confronted by one of the bride’s friends who was sat in front of us who told him she heard the comment and thought he was disgusting (words to that effect).

DH is now worried that this friend would have reported back to his mate, and wants to reach out to say sorry.

I think he should shut it and that his mate probably hasn’t been told. DH disagrees…would you agree it’s best not to say anything?

If he was worried about preserving a friendship he should have considered that before he potentially ruined his mate’s wedding day by slagging off his wife.

Plus he’d be throwing the bride’s best friend under a bus by lying and making it look like she had made it up- what about preserving her friendship with the bride? Who she was simply defending/ protecting by pointing out how horrible the OP’s husband’s comments were.

Wtf is this word salad?

By your logic, if the DHs comment was, say, picked up by the wedding videographer and the bride found out about it when watching it back, it would be the camera, an inanimate object, that fat shamed her, and no blame can be attached to the DH, after all if the microphone hadn't picked it up she'd have been none the wiser?

As its the way the subject finds out that evokes the "shame" and nothing to do with the person who actually made the statement?

Hopefully, the bride's friend won't tell the bride what she heard her husband's friend saying about her. That would just hurt her feelings.

However, she may know that OP's DH is friends with the husband so maybe she will tell him so that he is aware that his friend said something really hurtful about his wife on her wedding day and maybe he will end the friendship. It would serve OP's DH right.

did you actually read what I wrote? Nothing to do with never having had a bitchy thought.

I can quite honestly say I've never been to a wedding where I've had a bitchy thought about the people hosting it and sharing their day with me. Particularly not if that thought was "that bride is fat"

You can think what you like (even if that makes you a shit person to look at someone in the happiest moment of their life and want to pick that apart) but vocalising it loud enough for others to hear is unforgiveable and you can't possibly argue with that. We're not talking about what her husband thought we're talking about what he said.

So she's only average??

I'm 6 ft 1 and size 14 wonder what he'd say about me !!

“Having a thought” is different to speaking it loudly enough for the people in the row in front to hear. I can honestly say that when I have been to a wedding, my thoughts veer more to ‘happy for them’ than ‘god they look rough/big/whatever imperfection you want to pick apart’.

Aren’t weddings meant to be joyful occasions where people are generally just happy to be part of it? If you can’t get on board with that and prefer to sit there and be a judgemental dick then just… don’t go?

I'll freely admit I have judgmental and bitchy thoughts. I've never been so low on emotional intelligence or self control that I've voiced a judgmental and bitchy thought about a bride on her wedding day that she's worked so hard to put together, and is putting herself out there for as she walks down the aisle. If the bar is set that low, it's pretty sad really. I mean, surely you have to be raised by wolves to either do that, or think that is okay? I take that back actually. I think wolves would do a far better job.

Your husband sounds really mean. To pick on a physical flaw that you are probably self-conscious about and make cruel jokes about it isn't funny. Is he some sort of Adonis?

Insulting your hosts on their big day. What a classless oaf.

And I’ve already said he should’ve kept it to himself, I just don’t think it’s the crime of the century for him to have thought it. He should’ve had the sense not to vocalise it, obviously!

First comment and it's already the womans fault.

God, what a lot of true saints there are in the world nowadays.
As the old saying goes, “If can’t say anything nice, then come and sit next to me.”

well, OP, you need to stay out of it. Your DP is a twat who is in the Find Out phase of FAFO

And hopefully he will stop being such a twat going forward.

That's just a nonsensical answer. We aren't talking about him thinking about it. We're talking about the action of saying it. It not being that bad if he thought it isn't relevant, cos he didn't think it, he said it.

Actually in the pool where the people you were talking about might hear you? And you say you have had an eating disorder; surely you understand the kind of damage that cruel comments about a person's body does to them?

I would hate to be with someone who criticises other people's appearance and thinks it's funny. It's just such a horrible, small-minded attitude. What enjoyment do you get out of making fun of people's bodies when they're on holiday? People who might also have had eating disorders, health issues, have given birth and just want to enjoy the pool with their family.

My MIL has spent her life avoiding the beach and worrying what people think of her (she isn't fat and never has been either!). She has spent so much time dieting and denying herself and still can't let herself enjoy the feel of sun on her skin and the sensation of the water. I tell her no one is looking at her and no one would judge when she frets about being a 70 old woman in a swimming costume and what would people think if she dared show her wrinkly, saggy body (her words, not mine!) Apparently you would though! It's vile and I am so sad when I think of a life given over to depriving oneself of simple pleasures. I hope I'm still in a bikini in my 70s whatever my body shape and that I'll always feel confident in thinking that those who judge and criticise women's bodies like this can just fuck off.

Yes, my self esteem is that fragile, @Ratisshortforratthew - thanks to years of bullying at school. Someone may look confident, but you don't know what they've been through.

Christ on a bike - is it really that hard to imagine why someone might be really hurt and upset if they heard nasty comments about their appearance? Especially on their wedding day!

I'm genuinely still waiting to hear how thinking that verbalising that you think the bride is fat as she walks down the aisle isn't OK, makes someone a saint.

I can honestly say that I have never made a comment about the physical appearance of someone whose wedding I was at other than “you look lovely/ smart/ what a beautiful dress.” Probably because they always have but even if I thought they looked dreadful I’d probably avoid the subject. Ditto people on holiday and work colleagues, I just can’t imagine a situation where I’d come home and start discussing a colleague’s weight or hair or whatever. My partner is exactly the same.

I don’t think it’s because I’m pure minded, I would just find this incredibly dull and also really unfunny, as would my partner. Even if I found it funny though I’d be aware in a packed quiet church that someone could overhear and be mortified by even the possibility someone would hear me. Because I am not stupid. And I have a basic level of manners.

Youre unreasonable to give more of a shit that your husband might be upset if his mate finds out than the fact he made such a nasty comment on someone's wedding day

So neither of you care if she heard as she walked down the aisle? Just that your grim hubbie might get a bollocking off her husband?

That you believe that he was justified in thinking it and saying it at all because you were once an absolute whopper 🙄🙄🙄🙄 like the bride but you worked hard to lose weight so you were finally acceptable by your absolute catch of a husband 🙄🙄🤮🤮🤮🤮

She could be a size 34 and it doesn't give him the right to make such a comment. I hope his mate finds out and it confirms for him what a POS your husband is.

If the bride's friend did tell others what your DH said, him saying sorry won’t unsay his vile comment and won’t make things any better.

If the bride's friend didn’t tell others what he said, him saying sorry and having to explain what he’s sorry for will make things a lot worse.

No point at all in him saying anything. It might make him feel less guilty but it won’t help any one else.

Agree that your DH is an utter twat and I do hope they find out what he said because his mate needs to dump him off and get better friends.

I'm also willing to bet that your DH hardly looks like a Men's Health cover model himself, because men who do don't tend to be cunts to women about their looks.

Ugly fuckers, tho......

And as she was walking down the aisle, tho - absolute TWAAAAAAAT!!

If she finds out about this it will literally be something she remembers about HER DAY forever!

I hope he feels REALLY shit about himself right now.

How is it saintly to think that insulting a bride while she walks down the aisle is dickhead behaviour? It's a low bar to clear, and anyone who can't manage that is pretty pathetic.

You also referred to thoughts about the wedding dress. Now, I wouldn’t vocalise those either, but they are clearly less personal than thoughts/comments about their body.

And they paid for this knob to eat, drink and attend one of the most important days of their lives.

When I was a size 12 to 14 I was fat shamed by men of varying ages so I can believe this opinion that a 14 is fat because even though I don't think it I have seen and heard men and women who think it is.

And i agree this is also a dig at op to make sure she doesn't get bigger.

His opinion is about the bride (agree that it sounds most like a very old fashioned hangover from the humour of the Benny Hill era).

The friend's opinion was about him, and his not-actually-quiet-or-amusing little joke.

They're both entitled to those opinions and it looks as if one is happier to take the consequences about expressing them than the other. Since the friend found the original comment really inappropriate, she is very unlikely to pass it on to add a little bit of spite and upset to the couple's day, but did come forward to say it was out of order. In which case - hopefully DH will know that he doesn't need to give that extra special little bit of upset to his hosts himself afterwards, as that could hang him by his own rope, and that anything similar would be out of order enough for others to point out, which he probably didn't really need telling. If he keeps his friends while thinking it's also fine to be nasty about them, he's lucky, but hopefully this is where he learns when to keep things to himself.