My daughter wants to go abroad without me

[Protectivemama]

My daughter will be finishing secondary school next year and will have just turned 16. She wants to go on holiday after she leaves to go to Benidorm with her cousin, aged 23, who's offered to pay for the entire thing and will be taking her 2 yr old. My daughter has never been abroad before and neither me or her dad will be in the position to go. It's not that I don't want her to have such a wonderful opportunity but I think she is still far too young and not mature enough to be travelling abroad without parents so I've said no. For context, me and dad have been separated for many years and I hardly know the cousin(his side of the family) anymore but my daughter is very close to her. My daughter's safety is the most important thing in the world to me so when I think of all the things that could go wrong it reinforces this belief but AIBU??

I doubt if there'll be many language barriers in Benidorm!

It depends on the definition of a child. Some 16 year olds could be married

There is a BIG difference in most teens between 16 and 18!

A child is anyone under 18 obviously. When a person gets full citizens rights.
And no a child of 16 or 17 in England cannot be legally married at 16.

As a parent I understand your worries but I think you could possibly be holding her back from a lovely experience and opportunity by saying no.

I think it would be a good idea to ask to meet up with this cousin. I’d want to know the vibe of this person.

I think some people are being a bit harsh assuming OP’s daughter has been invited to be a babysitter, maybe DD and cousin are just really close and she thought instead of being lonely on holiday she would invite her favourite cousin. Just because she’s 23 doesn’t automatically = want to go clubbing and find a new baby daddy.

I would say to DD that you would like to meet cousin a couple of times before you go, have her contact details etc

I believe you used to a few years ago but they changed it, it’s now against law to marry until you are 18

@Lollypopbeach in England you used to be able to get married at 16 with parent permission, but you can’t anymore. Have to wait until 18 and obviously don’t need permission

What about a compromise? A 3 night holiday to Benidorm , you drop DD off and collect her from airport and you meet Cousin a few times before they go

I think this is a lot better I couldn’t imagine being married at 16!

She will be fine and going abroad will open the world up to her. Let her go.

Oh I know it’s far from the norm & we have been incredibly lucky how it worked out. I remember it really sinking in when our eldest was 13 & just remember thinking there was no way I could imagine her having a child etc

YABU! Unless there is some huge history of this cousin being remarkably irresponsible (but doubt she still would be with a 2yo).

I paid for my two 16yo cousins to come on holiday with me and my two children two years ago (I'm 27 now, was 24 at the time) - they were a brilliant help with the kids, so responsible and kind and such a pleasure to spend time with. It hadn't even crossed my mind that this might be something a parent would be worried about! I'm a responsible parent!

I moved abroad on my own when I had just turned 18 and had been on trips with boyfriends/friends beforehand so maybe that changes how I see the situation.

Judgemental or what? The 23yo is not the single parent here as far as we know (OP is) and they can afford to pay for OP’s daughter. Am astonished that someone can see ‘23yo with a child’ and make a judgement that she may be an immoral or untrustworthy influence. The misogyny with which that is laced is, frankly, rather despicable.

Didn’t say immoral- that’s your word not mine.
If I am sending my 16 year old off with another adult, I would need to be 100000% sure that I fully trusted that adult to be responsible ultimately for my child’s welfare should the need arise.
Having a baby so young would ring alarm bells (for me personally) - no it’s not always a bad thing, but for me and my family not desirable either.
I would feel fully justified in making any judgements I wished when it came to an adult abroad with my child without me.

Any how is it misogyny? I would feel the same no matter what the sex of the adult was??

Having a baby so young would ring alarm bells

It’s only “so young” in the context of the current trend of 40 year olds having first babies. Up until about 20 years ago 21 was a perfectly normal and unremarkable age to become a parent.

Ive been going abroad alone since ive been 16.

Jesus Christ, now 23 is too young according to some on this thread? I had two university degrees and was living and working in my fourth country when I was 23.

Can I just say @OutdoorQueen I think you're great and have been so patient answering some really bloody impertinent questions.

Also it's only in mumsnet world that everyone has babies at 40. In the real world having a baby in your 20s is completely normal

All these I went travelling at 16…. When I went traveling through Europe at 19, over 20 years ago, I expected the hostels to be full of 18 year olds. I was surprised to find most were early 20s. I would be unsure of this trip, for several reasons which depend on the dd and the cousin. Would the dd be babysitting a lot and miserable? If y, I’d kindly suggest no, but let her. Will the dd be easily invited off to a bar with a bunch of new friends, being 18,19 year olds? If y, not a chance in hell. 16 is too young to be in a different country with almost no support, since her cousin can hardly leave her 2yo and go out with her.

I think treating a 16 yo like a young child is ridiculous, but in fairness, I don't know anyone who had a baby in their 20s. It's not "not normal", it's just very unusual, they have other priorities.

She could be married and have a child of her own. If you don't let her go she will resent you and could impact your relationship with her. Let her go but have a chat about keeping safe and being sensible invite cousin over for dinner and get to know them.

I think this is very regional where i live people would be more shocked at a 40 year old having a baby then a 16 year old. In my area most people have their kids in their 20s and are pretty much done by 30. The only people I know who have had kids past 30 its usually from a second marriage and usually a 3rd or fourth kid

20 years ago was 2005- no it wasn’t ’the norm then’ go back a coupe of decades it was but since then women’s choices, education, career prospects, maternity pay have come on a very long way (still a long way to go of course)
Horrah! We are no longer breeding machines that have to obey a husband and get sacked when pregnant. So many choices for young women now. A person who choose to become a mum at 20 rather than further education / advancement wouldn’t particularly be my first choice of responsible adult to be with my child overseas without me. Not unless I knew them really really well anyway

Hardly know anyone who had a baby before 30 and of the few I do know; most were accidents