My daughter wants to go abroad without me

[Protectivemama]

My daughter will be finishing secondary school next year and will have just turned 16. She wants to go on holiday after she leaves to go to Benidorm with her cousin, aged 23, who's offered to pay for the entire thing and will be taking her 2 yr old. My daughter has never been abroad before and neither me or her dad will be in the position to go. It's not that I don't want her to have such a wonderful opportunity but I think she is still far too young and not mature enough to be travelling abroad without parents so I've said no. For context, me and dad have been separated for many years and I hardly know the cousin(his side of the family) anymore but my daughter is very close to her. My daughter's safety is the most important thing in the world to me so when I think of all the things that could go wrong it reinforces this belief but AIBU??

Rubbish, there are plenty of genuine concerns here. It's not a straight no, but there are several things to check out first as a caring parent. Not all adults are responsible or capable of looking after a 16 year old and there are dodgy guys hanging about these resorts. They can be unsafe, particularly for a non-streetwise 16 year old, if someone isn't looking out for them. Her cousin may well look out for her, but the OP doesn't know that at the moment.

🤣🤣🤣 of course it’s real, I may look older now but can promise you I’m not from the Tudor times!
Ive been with my now hubby since I was 13, which was when I got pregnant by him.
Not ideal, and had number 2 at 15.
Had our own place at 16 - you can rent at 16, or could back then unsure if you can now.
We had DC 3 at 19.
It was hard at the time but now we are mid 40’s they are all grown up & it’s all been worth it!

Sounds like an amazing opportunity. Guessing her cousin is a single mum so gives her company and extra help with her toddler, hardly a big boozy party holiday

This is no different to going on a school trip - safer in some ways as DD will be with a caring related adult. As other PP’s have said - parenting is about preparing your child for independent adulthood and letting them go away without you but with the safety net of a responsible adult is an important skill in building resilience, self confidence and maturity. You need to let go.

I'm glad it's a success story for you but that would be a very tough start most would want to avoid.

There is a lot less teenage pregnancy these days and most people would do anything to protect their kids from having too much responsibility too young and being so financially and socially vulnerable. Did you want your kids to also have famiies that young or were you more protective than your parents were?

Oh absolutely, and would not recommend to anyone, it was hard!

The point being though at 16 you need guidance still, but, also allowed to take some responsibility for yourself & independence

My husband was just about to turn 17 when he went. So thanks.
and the OP said her daughter “will be finished secondary next year and will be 16”. So whats after swcondary? Uni, gap year or work? Schools over!

How does the op know this is a responsible adult? She’s doesn’t know what the 23 year old is like at all

I'd say no purely because you don't know the cousin. If you make a concerted effort to meet her and get to know her then I'd maybe consider it. I'd also ask for her dad's input as I'm assuming he knows his niece. I'd want to know whether he thinks she is responsible or is likely to use your dd as childcare. Another worry is if she is emotionally mature enough, if she falls out with her cousin she'd be potentially stuck there till her flight back. If she's mature enough that's fine but if not then it's would be a hassle and a half.

erm are you from the uk?
No school isn’t over for many- they go on to school 6th form and do levels or a Btech. Others go to college. Education of some kind is mandatory until 18, even in work or an apprenticeship. Uni is after year 13 so students would be 18 turning 19. You can’t legally rent with a contract unless you are 18 so I assume you mean uni living at home or similar? Unis here won’t have someone under 18 living in halls. Unless you are not from England or your knowledge is from decades ago.

Of course she can go at 16, I can't believe what all the fuss is about.
My daughter went off to France at age 13, travelled on her own (we left her at the airport in the hands of the airline, pen friend met her at the other end).
We had never met the family she was staying with although our daughter had met the pen friend when she visited England - this was a private arrangement and not organised by school, so the family hadn't been vetted or anything. But it worked out fine....

Travel broadens horizons and at 16, she's certainly old enough to know a bit about life and the world. I would just check, before she goes, that she's aware of the dangers of going off with groups of "new people" she meets and the possibilities of spiked drinks etc., and also that she's thought through what she might do if she ends up doing a lot of babysitting while the 23 year old is clubbing - boundaries and all that.

Hopefully they'll enjoy the trip together and it'll be great, if she ends up having a shit time she has also learned a valuable lesson in life. If you don't let her learn these lessons she will never become a well-rounded, responsible adult herself.

Let this young woman go. When I was 16, I travelled alone from a tiny rural area in England to an equally tiny village in Nairobi in East Africa, via London, England. I was met at Nairobi airport by my school friend's uncle (who I had never met before) and we drove for two hours through villages where the indigenous people threw rocks and spears at us. When we arrived at the friend's farm, all the cattle were dead, as they had been poisoned by the people who worked on the farm. This was during the Mau Mau uprising. I survived, as did my friend's family, and I had a fabulous time.

Love these stories 🤣 Not sure it’s helping the OP settle her nerves though

@Bubblesgun 6th form college (in England) is what follows school. So A-levels/Btech and then uni/work at 18

@OutdoorQueen you obviously needed more guidance (especially on contraception) if you got pregnant at 13 and 15. You had too much independence

Her dad does though. All my mates went to Benidorm when I was 16 and my parents wouldn’t let me go. Fifty six years later I haven’t forgotten it. This is a much safer scenario.

She's 16! I went abroad without my parents when I was 16. With my friend, also 16, her sister 18 and her 18 yr old friend to her family's villa.
All fine. I went to Australia for 6 months when I was just turned 18.
If I was your daughter, I'd sort my passport and go.
Why are you discouraging, actually preventing, your daughter seeing the world?
She is her own person, not your possession.

It’s a cousin… not a stranger? Of course she’ll have an idea - and if she’s not stated in the OP that the cousin is unreliable, you cant infer she is.

To add..both of my, now adult, children, went abroad with their school, skiing when at primary school and had a great time. I'm 54 and went aboard with my school.

for a bit of company? Because they are cousins, and other 23 year old won't go on holiday with a toddler?

If you are 23 with a 2 year old, who do you think want to go on holiday wit you? Your mum?

In the real world, toddler or not, it's normal for cousins to spend a bit of time together, even when there's some age gap in between.

There are threads about not letting a 17 year old home alone...

If you raise kids that way, no wonder they are unprepared for any real life.

The OP says the 16 yo is immature - she raised her, maybe she is, and she has not be given any independence ever. It's time to start...

Nope, came from a very nice stable home, we both did, contraception failed (with the first). It was devastating for our families but against all the odds we are still together 30+ years later, having built a successful business, put all 3 through uni etc.
Not all teenage parents are feral hooligans with terrible home lives, some of us come from lovely homes, with great parents, but ultimately teens will be teens & find a way to do what they want to do 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm another who's worried that she might be used for babysitting.
I'm a bit worried about the 2 year old as well, but obviously that's not what is being asked about.

@OutdoorQueen
I applaud you! My cousin fell pregnant as a teen, 15. BF left her. She did so well. Finishing education and starting a cafe business, Her son is now a very successful 35yr old with a great job, lovely house, wonderful wife and two lovely boys. My cousin is now married and has a great business. I wish you well. Lovely to hear that you've done so well

Why are you worried about the two year old? 🙄