Exh new GF

[Sortitout81]

I divorced 5 years ago, we fell out of love, I was with him 17 years in total, we are 43 and have 3 children, 11, 9 and 8 all girls.
The spilt was amicable, we both tried to stay as close to each other (location wise) but that didn't work out due to finances. He's in Chelmsford and I'm in London. However he always done as much as he could, we had a good co parenting relationship, until now.

My XH met his new partner in November, by the end of April she was living with him, he introduced the girls in feb - which went well, they seemed to like her etc until recently.
She hasn't got any children and is 10 years younger, my middle daughter is deaf (completely in one ear, and 30% in right) her speech is fine, we BSL as much as we can at home always have done.
My daughter text me on Sunday saying she wanted to come home early, I asked why she said "daddy's gf is being mean, she won't let her have the subtitles on the TV and said she's not deaf deaf so why does she need it and to stop being a silly little girl" I asked if anyone else heard this she said "yes, daddy did and he never said anything"
Subtitles helps my daughter hugely, no one has ever had a problem with subtitles on the TV so I rang him and told him what was said and his reply was "but she's right (his gf) what's the problem.
I said I would talk to him on handover.
Literally 5 minutes later my eldest daughter rang me and said "dad's gf is screaming at my middle daughter because I called dad telling her off" I could hear the yelling on the phone, it was chaos.

London to Chelmsford isn't a quick drive but I told my XH I was coming to get my children.
At handover, he literally bundled them into my arms and said "don't blame my gf they are turning into little horrors" he's never said this before and was so unlike him.

I text him a essay when I got home as I didn't want the girls to see us arguing and I asked him if I could meet his gf to talk to her, of course he said no.
I then said "ok well until this conversation has been had, no contact with the girls"
He ignored me
His mum contacted me tonight and asked what had happened, I told her and she said I was being unreasonable......dad should still have contact at a neutral place.

I don't think he should at the moment, he doesn't want to "upset" his gf would rather his girls were upset.
I've never stopped contact, not bothered he's in a new relationship (I spilt with someone in march after a year)
It's his first serious relationship since we divorced, and I can't help but think he's been "vagina whipped"

AIBU for stopping this madness

That GF and your ex are being absolutely awful to your dear daughter. It’s ignorant behaviour.

I cannot manage TV without sub-titles. I hope one day one or better still both of them start losing their hearing and their discriminating behaviour comes back to haunt them.

Life is challenging enough for hard of hearing and deaf people. Her father should be her protector not her bully. He’s a pathetic example of being a Dad. A selfish weak pri*k.
Big hug to you and your girls. The deaf community are right behind you. 🧏‍♀️💐

Wow! I don’t know where to start but YADNBU! Introduced his GF to the DC after 2 months!?!
Anyway that psycho GF cannot EVER be around your children again and neither should your XH until he knows how to protect them sufficiently.
Honestly, it sounds like your girls are better off with you. Let him take you to court! If he can find the £10k!

YANBU to have collected them, she is a terrible human being and so is your DH for putting her before your girls. I’m so sorry that this is their attitude towards her!

I’m not sure it’s fair to completely cut off contact, but I would say definitely only him and a neutral place (so he travels to them to see them) and possibly supervised if the girls would feel more comfortable.

What a cow! Even people with slight hearing loss finding subtitles helpful, there's no excuse for that kind of behaviour at all, and certainly not for the screaming.

Unfortunately though, it seems like the courts threshold for crap behaviour by NRPs is very high, so if he's the type to pursue contact through court he would probably win. It might be better to try to arrange contact away from his home and GF in the meantime, in case he starts down the parental alienation route.

I’d have dragged that bitch out into the street by the hair and…. Had a word with her. Hope your daughter is okay OP. My dad’s first wife after my mum was a horrible woman and it had a huge impact on mine and my sisters relationship with him for a long time. He will reap what he sows.

Maybe she's intimidated by having the subtitles on because she can't read.

She sounds horrible and if my ex referred to our children as little horrors that would be the last time he saw them for a while.

The new GF is terrible but her father is worse. I predict he will have kids with the new girlfriend soonish and slow fade from your daughter’s lives

How awful of the pair of them, especially him. As her father he should stand up for her. Poor thing.

My DC had very similar things at their dads house. Ending in "roast potato gate" which saw them banned from the house for about 6 months. They have barely any relationship with their father now, and changed their surname as soon as they were old enough.

What a worrying situation - the GF sounds unkind and unhinged, you're absolutely right to protect your daughters from her

However, I'm less sure about stopping contact altogether with the Dad in a neutral place. Are you sure this is best for the girls as opposed to punishing him/using it as leverage to get him to deal with the GF? The relationship with their Dad is very important and to block contact altogether I think will hurt them greatly. I would facilitate this and only if you deem them unsafe or unhappy should you take the NC option.

I would have done the same as you. Ex sounds like a prick, why wouldn’t he stick up for his daughter??
The new girlfriend is a bitch.

Yanbu . I cannot believe he has failed his daughters in this way. They must feel so betrayed that he has so quickly prioritised this woman over them. (although vagina whipped is an appalling misogynist term which is completely unnecessary)

I think you’ve done / are doing the right thing. Sorry for the girls.
They are old enough to have a say as to whether they want to do round there or not - I’d guess not.

Absolutely not. I would not facilitate my children having contact with their father if he allowed his girlfriend to scream at them and stop a deaf child from having the subtitles on the tv - he then backed up the girlfriend instead of his own children! He's supposed to prioritise his children's safety and security - he's shown that he won't do that.

I think him seeing them in a neutral place (Obs without the GF) is fair

You are in no way being unreasonable - you're protecting your children. If they do see their dad, they've every right to choose whether or not to see him with this woman. I've not been in your situation, but I know hell would freeze over before I let a person treat any of my children like that again. As a mum with children with disabilities (as I also have myself), hearing of someone being so ignorant and spiteful is absolutely appalling. She has no right to be anywhere near your kids and hope she isn't again.

It never ceases to amaze me what some men will do for regular access to sex.

Why? He deliberately upset his children to keep his girlfriend happy. With that one action he has shown he doesn’t have their best interests at heart, so why should he be allowed to see them? He needs to apologise and make it right before that can happen.

Fucking hell. Of course she's deaf! She might even define herself as Deaf with a capital D, and whether she does or doesn't the GF has absolutely no right to decide how deaf your daughter is. I'm hard of hearing, minimal deafness, and I rely on subtitles so much I rarely go to cinemas now as my local one doesn't do subtitled viewings.

You're in the right. And your ex is disgusting for not standing up for his daughter against this vile ableism.

I completely agree that this girlfriend is batshit. I am now never amazed how a dad can change just because of a new relationship. Awful behaviour from both.

However... what do the girls want? You have three children who are old enough to have a point of view.

If/when dad takes you to court for access CAFCASS will speak to the kids. This event was obviously about one of your children, but do all 3 feel the same about not seeing their dad?

The courts would start contact again, which is awful. I do think it would be best to try and work this out amicably between you rather than go down the court route as you lose your power/control in the court system.

If the kids do not want to resume the normal contact pattern, I would offer to see the kids in a neutral place, you are there too for support. Of possibly get the kids to do the talking and share with dad how they feel. A conversation with dad now everyone has had time to breath may be useful with the kids talking it may feel less like an attack than if it all comes from you. Or mediation (which is needed before you get to family court anyway), to have a conversation with a neutral third party.

I suppose what I am saying is, prior to this you had a good coparenting relationship. I do not agree with either dad or girlfriend, their actions are horrible and I feel for your daughter. However the court system doesn't always go the way you want, and it is always best to exhaust all options before getting there.

Do your children want to see their dad in a neutral place without his girlfriend present?

I suspect it's a power play, GF is putting herself between your ex and his kids - bitch! Personally I'd not back down, I'd be backing my children 100% in this situation as she's clearly a manipulator

Well done for protecting your children. Unless you can be sure that the abusive GF won't come along and abuse them further, of course he must have no contact with them.

Ignore his mother completely, and block her if she keeps trying to interfere.

You are not at all being unreasonable. The GF was absolutely awful - bully behaviour. I’d be surprised if your daughter wants to go back.

Firstly…..bravo for keeping your cool when you collected your girls. You have much more grace and decorum than I would have had 🤬

How fucking dare she?
And how dare your ExH.
He’s well aware of his daughter’s additional needs and instead of protecting his daughter he essentially threw her to the wolves (or the bitch 🤷🏻‍♀️🫠 whichever way you want to spin it). What a sad excuse for a man.

And also: who cares about subtitles?!!! I’m not partially deaf, and I have them on every single time I watch TV - helps me keep track of all the dialogue if I’m reading and hearing it at the same time 🤷🏻‍♀️ And yet a 33 year old woman essentially threw a tantrum at a child over subtitles?!!

I’m with you. I’d also be protecting my children from that kind of dickhead behaviour until their dad was ready to pull his big boy pants up and use his big boy words.

he is letting someone discriminate and bully his child over their deafness in front of him?

he is a weak willed, spineless cretin frankly. The fact that he doesn’t have it in him to defend his daughter in his own home.

he is an embarrassment of a father.

but he should be allowed to see them in a neutral place or at MILs.

Do not let the GF anywhere near them. She is a rancid cow.