Exh new GF

[Sortitout81]

I divorced 5 years ago, we fell out of love, I was with him 17 years in total, we are 43 and have 3 children, 11, 9 and 8 all girls.
The spilt was amicable, we both tried to stay as close to each other (location wise) but that didn't work out due to finances. He's in Chelmsford and I'm in London. However he always done as much as he could, we had a good co parenting relationship, until now.

My XH met his new partner in November, by the end of April she was living with him, he introduced the girls in feb - which went well, they seemed to like her etc until recently.
She hasn't got any children and is 10 years younger, my middle daughter is deaf (completely in one ear, and 30% in right) her speech is fine, we BSL as much as we can at home always have done.
My daughter text me on Sunday saying she wanted to come home early, I asked why she said "daddy's gf is being mean, she won't let her have the subtitles on the TV and said she's not deaf deaf so why does she need it and to stop being a silly little girl" I asked if anyone else heard this she said "yes, daddy did and he never said anything"
Subtitles helps my daughter hugely, no one has ever had a problem with subtitles on the TV so I rang him and told him what was said and his reply was "but she's right (his gf) what's the problem.
I said I would talk to him on handover.
Literally 5 minutes later my eldest daughter rang me and said "dad's gf is screaming at my middle daughter because I called dad telling her off" I could hear the yelling on the phone, it was chaos.

London to Chelmsford isn't a quick drive but I told my XH I was coming to get my children.
At handover, he literally bundled them into my arms and said "don't blame my gf they are turning into little horrors" he's never said this before and was so unlike him.

I text him a essay when I got home as I didn't want the girls to see us arguing and I asked him if I could meet his gf to talk to her, of course he said no.
I then said "ok well until this conversation has been had, no contact with the girls"
He ignored me
His mum contacted me tonight and asked what had happened, I told her and she said I was being unreasonable......dad should still have contact at a neutral place.

I don't think he should at the moment, he doesn't want to "upset" his gf would rather his girls were upset.
I've never stopped contact, not bothered he's in a new relationship (I spilt with someone in march after a year)
It's his first serious relationship since we divorced, and I can't help but think he's been "vagina whipped"

AIBU for stopping this madness

and from how she's treated her GD she doesn't seem to keen to do so,

but she rang you to tell you that she thought you “were being unreasonable”?

😕

It sounds like your ex is easily led and influenced by a younger woman who likely has little experience of children, let alone children with additional needs. You handled this perfectly though so hopefully she is suitably shamed in to behaving herself and he now understands that he risks losing a positive relationship with his children if he doesn’t put them first.

@Greybluepaint I think you can think someone is being unreasonable against your own child and still know when another person is in the wrong and defend your granddaughter.

I don't understand your husband's explanation that his girlfriend wanted to give your daughter confidence in not watching with subtitles. Why would she want to do that and why on earth does she think that her has the authority or expertise to do that? Watching TV should be an enjoyable and relaxing experience, not a teaching moment by someone who is absolutely not equipped or trained to do that.

I would be so angry at your husband's defence of his girlfriend's actions. She sounds like an unbearable know-it-all with no empathy who is trying to impress your ex-husband by exploiting your daughter's disability in her attempt to show him that she knows more about how to parent a deaf child than her own mother does.

Yes but her thinking you’re unreasonable meant she actually thought your sensible decision to give him an alternative was “unreasonable”

ie her grandchildren should be allowed back to their fathers as normal

For me op, it’s all about your husband

what he said
how he behaved

The ex is a no one in the children’s lives when it really comes down to it.

Your ex however is their father and he proved himself to be as limp as a lettuce and cruel

Unless we have more info this is a one off incident. As upsetting and unjustifiable it is no court in the land will take it on board or label it as abuse.

I agree the situation is out of hand but there are some very hysterical answers on here. OP cannot withold contact, nor can she dictate the gf is not allowed around the children when they are in their father's care. If they are at their dad's and he is out then there's nothing even to forbid him appointing her as the babysitter and them being alone with her. I understand that's outrageous but it is how it is.

It sounds as though ExDH is complying in this instance so long may that continue, and that he sees that his DDs needs come first going forward. But please don't fool yourself that you can enforce any of that - that is where a lot of people end up in a frightening situation re custody battles. And you will have to play somewhat nice also to maintain a civil relationship. Unless of course you get some sort of legal injunction which, based on one isolated incident of she said/they said, is unlikely.

I'd track any and all further incidences however. I understand why you feel the way you do. Best of luck OP.

“his gf was hungover but it wasn't an excuse and she was trying to give her confidence in not watching with subtitles.” What a loser she sounds being hungover. I didn’t realise that she was the child’s doctor and that it’s just a matter of confidence that cures deafness. What a disgrace. Perhaps just being more confident might cure her stupidity. Keep an eye on person as she’s in your kids lives.

This post is absolutely on the nose OP. It was absolutely not her place to even suggest this let alone suddenly force it on your daughter. Your ex asked what she can do, well she needs to acknowledge and understand your daughters disability, as well as the fact she should be comfortable and safe at home, not be given sudden 'confidence' demands by a hungover woman. Ultimately she needs to sincerely acknowledge and understand that she was cruel and abelist to a child, if she cant shes not suitable to be around them.

the fact you husband said this is worrying, I would ask him why he thinks she needs that in the safety of his home.

Totally agree.

I don't really understand my his response either, I actually said to him "I'm not getting any real answers here, just apologising so you know you both messed up, you especially"

I agree with a pp that this relationship may not last long, he has said things in the last few weeks that I didn't pay attention to but now my ears are pricked, I'm on full alert with her.
I know I can't dictate to him who he dates, but he has a obligation to our DD, this is what I stated to him. I said I wasn't just angry at him, but wholly disappointed - I know this got to him, I've known this man for 23 years and spent 17 years with him.

The only positive (if you can call it that) is he is planning on moving closer to us this year or early next year, which will help. Chelmsford to Brentford is close to 3.5 hour drive there and back, I just hope the gf is long gone beforehand.
The girls will spend the summer holiday in Devon with Nana and himself, he said this was the plan anyway as she is getting older she wants to spend as much time with her and the gf wasn't coming due to work commitments, whether this changes who knows.

Thank you again, hopefully he does stick to the arrangements for the time being and I/gf can meet and have a adult conversation and I can explain my daughter's needs.

Who left who? Or was it a mutual decision to end the marriage? Because “we fell out of love” isn’t generally a neat and quick state of affairs

Why did he move so far away?

I am hard of hearing and need subtitles on all the time.this woman sounds immature and unkind .meet up on neutral ground .ATM.Men are such Dickheads! He is putting a younger woman ,and his sex life before your poor DD

@Sleepynose we were having "troubles" when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, had some counselling and decided to give it all we got. Baby no 3 was a huge surprise (I was on contraception, but it's not always 100% clearly) and I fell pregnant within months of having our 2nd daughter.
Again we gave it all we got but by the time our last daughter was 1 we had drifted further apart so we called time as I was unhappy and so was he. So yes it was mutual

Those poor children being caught in the cross fire. This is a prime example why sometimes two people do stay together for their children’s benefit.

@Sleepynose I grew up in west London, very close to where I live now, our house we bought together was also very close to where we live now. My XH wasn't great with finances/money (thank god I'm an accountant) when we divorced the money from the house wasn't enough for him to buy a home on his income (he hadn't long started up his own tree surgeon/landscape business) I was fortunate as my parents realised equity to help me and I was able to use the house sell and that money to buy where I am.
My XH rented initially not far from me, but the landlord wanted the property back after a year.
He rented his aunt's flat in Chelmsford (very cheap) was only supposed to be short term until he got finances sorted, but 3.5 years later he's there there but things are getting better from what he says and move closer.

@MallorySigh please do not say my children were caught in anything, we simply fell out of love. My children did not live in a house full of hate.
If we stayed together for the children, we would still be together now wouldn't we.
Thank you

They are caught in your current ‘battle’, their father’s new bit of rough and your threats to stop their father from seeing them. That is not normal. Sounds an utter mess, but for their sake I hope you can sort things out.

I agree

but this OP will come back with arms flailing

I get it - it’s hard not to be defensive when it’s your life involved. But it’s honestly bonkers how normalised this sort of situation has become - it’s incredibly unhealthy and damaging to those children in the long run.

@MallorySigh well if you've read you'll see that
Dad is still seeing children
Children do not want to see gf at the moment
Dad understands he went wrong
As mature adults we are working together to sort the "mess" out so our children are not affected

I think the ex husband knows his ex wife very well. He’s apologised and acquiesced because he knows that if he does otherwise she’ll utterly kick off and point blank refuse any contact because he hasn’t complied.

Because if he goes to court over this and claims parental alienation he can get 100% residency.