Exh new GF

[Sortitout81]

I divorced 5 years ago, we fell out of love, I was with him 17 years in total, we are 43 and have 3 children, 11, 9 and 8 all girls.
The spilt was amicable, we both tried to stay as close to each other (location wise) but that didn't work out due to finances. He's in Chelmsford and I'm in London. However he always done as much as he could, we had a good co parenting relationship, until now.

My XH met his new partner in November, by the end of April she was living with him, he introduced the girls in feb - which went well, they seemed to like her etc until recently.
She hasn't got any children and is 10 years younger, my middle daughter is deaf (completely in one ear, and 30% in right) her speech is fine, we BSL as much as we can at home always have done.
My daughter text me on Sunday saying she wanted to come home early, I asked why she said "daddy's gf is being mean, she won't let her have the subtitles on the TV and said she's not deaf deaf so why does she need it and to stop being a silly little girl" I asked if anyone else heard this she said "yes, daddy did and he never said anything"
Subtitles helps my daughter hugely, no one has ever had a problem with subtitles on the TV so I rang him and told him what was said and his reply was "but she's right (his gf) what's the problem.
I said I would talk to him on handover.
Literally 5 minutes later my eldest daughter rang me and said "dad's gf is screaming at my middle daughter because I called dad telling her off" I could hear the yelling on the phone, it was chaos.

London to Chelmsford isn't a quick drive but I told my XH I was coming to get my children.
At handover, he literally bundled them into my arms and said "don't blame my gf they are turning into little horrors" he's never said this before and was so unlike him.

I text him a essay when I got home as I didn't want the girls to see us arguing and I asked him if I could meet his gf to talk to her, of course he said no.
I then said "ok well until this conversation has been had, no contact with the girls"
He ignored me
His mum contacted me tonight and asked what had happened, I told her and she said I was being unreasonable......dad should still have contact at a neutral place.

I don't think he should at the moment, he doesn't want to "upset" his gf would rather his girls were upset.
I've never stopped contact, not bothered he's in a new relationship (I spilt with someone in march after a year)
It's his first serious relationship since we divorced, and I can't help but think he's been "vagina whipped"

AIBU for stopping this madness

She’s got what she wanted hasn’t she? She’s driven a wedge between them. She sounds horribly controlling and jealous, never mind bloody ignorant. I have experienced similar. My son has no contact with his father and hasn’t for five years (ex’s choice, chose GF over son). Stand your ground. Your child has a disability and GF is disgusting for behaving like that, as is your ex for enabling it.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this OP. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship and I would never dream of treating her like this. This new GF is horrible. You’re doing great work standing up for your daughters

Is he actually asking to see them or is his mom just ringing to tell you he wants to see them?

What an absolutely brilliant Mum you are. I'm sure your girls are lovely. You sound brilliant 👏

Yes, I'm amazed that I have remained so calm, getting angry with him will not do much apart from pushing him go the other way and getting super defensive, which I felt he did when my tone changed.

I had chicken pox when I was pregnant, I was 27 weeks when I contracted it, I was in hospital for 5 weeks, my daughter was born at 36 weeks, she was tested for all sorts - so we knew from birth there could have been an issue, he was amazing all throughout, so I'm so surprised at him at the moment. I said to him 'i don't know you anymore, who are you?"
Baby no 3 was a surprise and by then the struggles we were having became a major reality and we drifted further apart. But he was still a good dad

I've heard frightening stories from court, which could make me be the bad guy but I honestly believe he wouldn't take it to court anyway.
He understands that contact is not to be in his home whilst his gf lives there, I can't control if he remains in a relationship with her or not but she certainly isn't to be around my children. Whether he stands up to her and visits the girls at my home is up to him. I don't think a cafe would be good as my eldest would easily get bored and his finances are in pretty poor order at the moment so I know he wouldn't be able to take them "out out" for a day.

He did ask what was going to happen during the school holidays. He has them 2 weeks at the start and then the last week in August, always has. The only solution to this if his gf is still living there is to take them to his mother's house in Devon (he's a only child) he's previously done this so it wouldn't make a difference.

I'll see what happens today when I collect the children from after school club at 5.

Thank you again all

They’re only there every other weekend. GF can watch without subtitles any other time. She wouldn’t shout at my kids twice that’s for sure.

I text him an day when I got home

saying what? Surely the crux of it is that his GF has revealed herself to be a profoundly unpleasant person, and that his pathetic response supporting her was alarming to say the least.

The thing with essay length messages Op is that they are very rarely actually read

What is the split usually?

, I told her and she said I was being unreasonable......dad should still have contact at a neutral place.

this sounded reasonable

It’s incredible how easily he has bent to this op
essentially agreeing to never having his children on his home with his live in GF is there.

maybe he knows that the GF is a shit around his children

odd it does not seem to occur to him to put his children first and end the relationship so he can actually see his children in his own home!

Update
All girls want to speak with dad tonight, he usually calls at 7.30 when all are settled down, so a call as usual will go ahead.
I asked all 3 if they wanted to see dad again as usual, they all said yes but maybe not with the gf my eldest said "she was alright to start with but she's weird" I asked her weird how she said "she doesn't really talk to us alot and goes out alot with her friends, only see her on the Sunday"
I might wrong but maybe she goes out on a Saturday night drinking and had a hangover leading to her outburst (not defending her, but it would make sense) I asked my eldest if she's shouted like that before and she said "no she's not really about on a Saturday, we only really see her on a Sunday"

I've only ever asked if the girls have had a nice time at dads when they have come home, never probed them so I never knew this info.

I texted him earlier saying the girls wanted a call and I don't work on Wednesday's so I'm happy to have a chat with him face to face tomorrow (he's currently working from home) so after I do school drop off I'll meet him halfway.

I suggest contact at my home for the considerable future and see what he says tomorrow.

I couldn't give a flying monkeys what his gf thinks.

I asked all 3 if they wanted to see dad again as usual

WTAF

How often does he usually have them op?

@Rootheroo as pp have quoted and advice I got from a old friend who's mother was a solicitor earlier today. If I stopped contact based on this and did not suggest an alternative and their wishes I could be seen as the "bad guy"
I do not want to do this and be that person. If he decides not to show up, thats on him but at least I can hold my head up and say I gave HIM not the chance and my girls are old enough to state wishes. I cannot deny them that. So please no to WTAF when the law would not be 100 on my side

And he is well within his rights to refuse your “offer” and show up and stick to the arrangements. He could say his GF will be out. Or his GF is going to apologise and make an excuse for her along the lines of a headache or PMT. And no court in the land would say that on the basis of one incident as described he can only see his children away from his home either at yours or out

How often does he have them usually?

@Rootheroo every other weekend Friday from 5.30 pick up to Sunday 5.30 due to distance mid week would not work.
He is in Chelmsford and I'm in west London (Brentford)
So he has every half term, 3 weeks in summer holidays and 1 week at Easter and 4 days over Christmas.

my head up and say I gave HIM not the chance and my girls are old enough to state wishes.

snd they said yes they want to see dad again (obviously!) but “maybe” without the GF.

doesn’t sound like a…. I never ever went to go back to dad’s every again if hisGFis there

And on the basis of one incident where his GF shouted and swore, you think a court would stop a father having his children in his home with her present?

lets presume she doesn’t have a any criminal record, the court would be… and? Yes it was a very poor showing on her part but I’m not going to refuse contact between a father and his children in his own home if this GF is present

@Rootheroo like I said I do want to take this to court, I do not think he would anyway. We had a good marriage and a good co-parenting relationship until recently.
I hope and believe we can sort this out ourselves. His mother and I still have a good relationship and he is extremely close to her and even she believes he was in the wrong which I believe has lead to his apology and going along with what is needed at the moment. Obviously I'm not going to detail every word of our conversation.

All 3 girls spoke to him, conversation lasted no more than 5 minutes, my eldest (D) said to him "dad your gf is strange, kick her to the curb" I heard her say this.

Good on you for not stopping contact at his house.
My daughter has a disability, she was made to feel bad about her disability in her father's home by pretty much a stranger - therefore I will not let her be in that home while that stranger is there and make her feel bad about herself anymore.

Don’t rule out getting a CAO in place OP but wait and see how much of a pain things become first. I assume he wouldn’t stop you taking the girls on holiday out the country or anything like that? But you never know how people change with a new partner on the scene.

It is not for your ex to decree that your daughter 'does well without subtitles'. He should respect her special needs first and foremost. That your ex's gf turned them off is shocking and a huge warning, as is his compliance with the gf's bullying of a disabled child.
I wonder whether the gf engineered this whole situation with all the dc being upset. She sounds very manipulative.

Well for two reasons I cant help thinking that this GF may not be around for long.

One is that if he has previously had a good relationship with you, then all this drama may be opening his eyes to what a nightmare she is.

Two, if he has been a good father who is close to them then I hope he wouldnt put them second to this cow.

However.....there another issue which means he may put the kids second.......she has sex with him and a certain kind of man will rarely think further than the next shag.

@jeaux90 no it's not ruled out, it's all so new at the moment I'm due to meet him tomorrow so I'll see how that goes in person.

He's never stopped me going abroad with my children, I met someone last year in January 24 and children met him in September 24, we went to Norway for new year eve (with his children) and my ex was fine, unfortunately we spilt due to him moving back to Norway in march. There is no romantic feelings on both sides both fully moved on.

I think you're handling everything very well indeed.

11, 9 and 8 year olds who love their dad don't want to be stopped entirely from seeing their father - that's much more traumatic than dealing with the gfs nonsense while being there.

Everyone here needs to calm down you included. If this is how things escalate I can see why the relationship didn't work and I don't expect the new gf will last very long either.

The dad and gf are totally in the wrong but parents get things wrong, Your reaction is very dramatic and you may well make your children think you're no longer their safe place to talk to about things like this as they'll worry you'll take their dad away from them.

Gf is ignorant and annoying but she's not a safeguarding risk or abusive therefore you shouldn't have unilaterally stopped your children seeing their dad for the foreseeable that's a power play that won't look good if he takes you to court.