Exh new GF

[Sortitout81]

I divorced 5 years ago, we fell out of love, I was with him 17 years in total, we are 43 and have 3 children, 11, 9 and 8 all girls.
The spilt was amicable, we both tried to stay as close to each other (location wise) but that didn't work out due to finances. He's in Chelmsford and I'm in London. However he always done as much as he could, we had a good co parenting relationship, until now.

My XH met his new partner in November, by the end of April she was living with him, he introduced the girls in feb - which went well, they seemed to like her etc until recently.
She hasn't got any children and is 10 years younger, my middle daughter is deaf (completely in one ear, and 30% in right) her speech is fine, we BSL as much as we can at home always have done.
My daughter text me on Sunday saying she wanted to come home early, I asked why she said "daddy's gf is being mean, she won't let her have the subtitles on the TV and said she's not deaf deaf so why does she need it and to stop being a silly little girl" I asked if anyone else heard this she said "yes, daddy did and he never said anything"
Subtitles helps my daughter hugely, no one has ever had a problem with subtitles on the TV so I rang him and told him what was said and his reply was "but she's right (his gf) what's the problem.
I said I would talk to him on handover.
Literally 5 minutes later my eldest daughter rang me and said "dad's gf is screaming at my middle daughter because I called dad telling her off" I could hear the yelling on the phone, it was chaos.

London to Chelmsford isn't a quick drive but I told my XH I was coming to get my children.
At handover, he literally bundled them into my arms and said "don't blame my gf they are turning into little horrors" he's never said this before and was so unlike him.

I text him a essay when I got home as I didn't want the girls to see us arguing and I asked him if I could meet his gf to talk to her, of course he said no.
I then said "ok well until this conversation has been had, no contact with the girls"
He ignored me
His mum contacted me tonight and asked what had happened, I told her and she said I was being unreasonable......dad should still have contact at a neutral place.

I don't think he should at the moment, he doesn't want to "upset" his gf would rather his girls were upset.
I've never stopped contact, not bothered he's in a new relationship (I spilt with someone in march after a year)
It's his first serious relationship since we divorced, and I can't help but think he's been "vagina whipped"

AIBU for stopping this madness

@Sleepynose no one's arms are failing.
Yes, your right my XH knows me very well, well enough that I'm able to put my emotions to the side and put my children's needs first.
I asked my children what they wanted, and guess what they wanted to see dad WITHOUT the gf, and happy to be at home (my home) to see him.
My middle daughter said she was scared of her, my eldest thinks she's strange and rude, doesnt talk to her and my youngest also thinks she's scary. So should I ignore my children's wishes and send them to someone's house, where somebody they don't want to be around (at the moment) lives?

Yes, in the moment I was very very angry, my children did not see us argue.
My daughter should have been protected by her father, she wasn't.

@MallorySigh I'll ask you the same question, what would you have done different?

@Matcha95 no one is going to court, he has agreed to seeing them at my home without his gf because all 3 children have stated they do not want to see her (happy to be at home with dad, my home)
I will not even be there on the day.
This is not a long term solution.
I will not force my children to go to a home and see someone who they do not want to see.
Dad still has access

Sorry, my post was meant to be in agreement with your actions and in response to the poster who said they would withhold access for this.

Somehow the response function of my post didn’t work.

Most commenters think YANBU. Why are you getting upset by, and arguing with, the very small minority who think YABU?

I think you’ve behaved admirably, but not everyone is going to agree with you. Let it go. I hope things go positively with the arrangements with your ex.

I'm finding the amount of criticism on here bizarre. These seems like great co-parenting. Dad screwed up; mum stepped in fast to protect the kids but didn't go nuclear; facilitated contact with the kids so Dad could apologise; offered other solutions for continued contact; kids opinions are being listened to by both sides; Dad has started to recognise he was an idiot and has agreed to alternative arrangements for now...

Now hopefully either GF steps up, offers a big apology and boundaries for contact with the kids again and the girls agree to see her (which I hope OP would agree to slowly re-instating, although only with the right attitude from GF). Or sooner or later Dad ditches unapologetic/immature GF to prioritise the kids.

I would say OP is doing everything right and have great respect for the effort she's going to.

I don’t think many would disagree with that assessment - I just find it desperately sad that this is the reality of the children’s upbringing due to the broken home.

Whilst I see where you're coming from, I work with teenage girls, and my perspective is that what makes the difference is the level of conflict in a family, not whether parents are together. Some (probably many) divorced parents are great relationship models for their kids, and some parents that are still together are terrible relationship models (sometimes whilst still being in a fairly happy relationship and otherwise good parents).

You sound very level headed OP. A wonderful role model for your 3 girls.

I hope the meet on Sunday goes as OK as it can but I think you need to be prepared for it to nose-dive. Be interesting to see how your exH reacts if the GF kicks off at you. Maybe she'll have done some research into deafness and tell you that some 'tough love' is required...🙄or maybe she'll be hand-wringingly apologetic! Fingers crossed it's the latter! 💐

@ForZanyAquaViewer thank you, I appreciate it!

@ZippyKoala thank you for your lovely comments.
We had a lovely co parenting relationship, we were still a team and still a family, I hope we can get back to this again.

2 happy homes are better than 1 not so happy home!

Bullshit.

@Projectme thank you, I must admit I am a little nervous, not because she's my XH gf but because I do not know how it's going to pan out. My XH said she wanted to apologise to me and write a letter to our DD (which I said would be a good idea) but we will see.

I agree here, the PP saying she overreacted is strange.

I think you've handled this amazingly well.
I hope everything works out, and the gf disappears as quick as she came

OP has made no threats to stop their father seeing them. She is understandably concerned about his immature and ableist girlfriend having further opportunities to upset her children, particularly her daughter with the hearing impairment.

Where the fuck is your evidence for this ridiculous statement?

OP's response has been calm and measured and the opposite of a knee jerk reaction. She and her ex-husband have co-parented successfully for years and have each had other partners that have caused no problems. The issue is his new girlfriend and the fact that she completely overstepped in relation to OP's daughter's disability, greatly upsetting the child and her siblings. No decent parent would put up with that behaviour.

You and your sidekick are just here to put the boot into OP.

Re-read the OP, @thepariscrimefiles!

@MallorySigh
I think she said that in initial anger, which I'm sure most pp can understand.
The main point here is that contact is still being had, dad messed up big time he sat by and done nothing.

I'm sure all 3 children were scared by this event.

I don't think OP has overreacted - because there really isn't such a thing as 'overreacting' when we sincerely have our children's happiness front and centre, so I would have felt the same way

However, I do think that some of the expectations here (both OP's and the many PPs championing them) are unrealistic, albeit coming from a good place. Unfortunately, exDH is free to do what he likes, with whom he likes and where he likes.

At the moment he is agreeing to see the girls on neutral territory, and not have the GF involved. But that's because that's what this man, in this moment has agreed to - that's not because the mother automatically gets to call all the shots, even when she feels her children have been besmirched. He actually has every right to take them to his home, he has every right to continue to have his gf around and she has every right to not meet you or listen to a word you say. Dictating what is and isn't acceptable is not realistic. And a lot of these posts framing it as 'doing what's best for the children' is frequently crossing the line into 'you need to dance to my tune and what I have decided is best for the children because I am Mama and my opinions trump yours'.

Wow I think you have handled this brilliantly and calmly.

It actually sounds like your ex is generally a good dad as well. If you can resolve it amicably that's all for the best.

Maybe his new relationship won't last, or your ex will make sure he stands up to her. Being charitable here but maybe she was just hungover and tetchy (we've all been there) and will be nicer in future.

Good luck to you all.

I can see why you left him.
What a weak pathetic boy.

i’d leave him and his evil bitch to it. My children wouldn’t be seeing him anymore if he insists on being with an abuser (and enabling the creature)

In what universe?!? There’s a few VERY dramatic posters on this thread! Apart from parental alienation being very hard - and expensive - to prove, that’s not what’s going on here at all.

@DisappearingGirl thank you, and yes in general he is a good dad, he's never let me or the girls down, has obviously had work commitments and sickness but we've worked around those and same for me, it's unfortunate that the distance is between us as I do believe he would be more "hands on" if so.

I hope Sunday is positive and I can put this behind us and try to move on.

Is this a name change fail?

Oh dear.