Exh new GF

[Sortitout81]

I divorced 5 years ago, we fell out of love, I was with him 17 years in total, we are 43 and have 3 children, 11, 9 and 8 all girls.
The spilt was amicable, we both tried to stay as close to each other (location wise) but that didn't work out due to finances. He's in Chelmsford and I'm in London. However he always done as much as he could, we had a good co parenting relationship, until now.

My XH met his new partner in November, by the end of April she was living with him, he introduced the girls in feb - which went well, they seemed to like her etc until recently.
She hasn't got any children and is 10 years younger, my middle daughter is deaf (completely in one ear, and 30% in right) her speech is fine, we BSL as much as we can at home always have done.
My daughter text me on Sunday saying she wanted to come home early, I asked why she said "daddy's gf is being mean, she won't let her have the subtitles on the TV and said she's not deaf deaf so why does she need it and to stop being a silly little girl" I asked if anyone else heard this she said "yes, daddy did and he never said anything"
Subtitles helps my daughter hugely, no one has ever had a problem with subtitles on the TV so I rang him and told him what was said and his reply was "but she's right (his gf) what's the problem.
I said I would talk to him on handover.
Literally 5 minutes later my eldest daughter rang me and said "dad's gf is screaming at my middle daughter because I called dad telling her off" I could hear the yelling on the phone, it was chaos.

London to Chelmsford isn't a quick drive but I told my XH I was coming to get my children.
At handover, he literally bundled them into my arms and said "don't blame my gf they are turning into little horrors" he's never said this before and was so unlike him.

I text him a essay when I got home as I didn't want the girls to see us arguing and I asked him if I could meet his gf to talk to her, of course he said no.
I then said "ok well until this conversation has been had, no contact with the girls"
He ignored me
His mum contacted me tonight and asked what had happened, I told her and she said I was being unreasonable......dad should still have contact at a neutral place.

I don't think he should at the moment, he doesn't want to "upset" his gf would rather his girls were upset.
I've never stopped contact, not bothered he's in a new relationship (I spilt with someone in march after a year)
It's his first serious relationship since we divorced, and I can't help but think he's been "vagina whipped"

AIBU for stopping this madness

Sounds like you're doing your best to move this forward

Whilst I agree with everyone that what the gf did was vile I am afraid you actually legally can't dictate what he does and who he has at his property whilst the girls are there and therefore even if he agrees and then doesn't follow through and she is there then it is unlikely any court would insist that his partner he lives with has to leave the property while they have contact

I would hope, however, that he sees that what she (and subsequently he) did is totally out of order and they need to make it up to the girls.

@Sortitout81 isnt just saying "you arent seeing the kids anymore!". She has offered alternative arrangements to make her children feel happy to see their father.

This isnt just "I dont like Daddys GF", we are talking about a woman actively refusing a disabled child the thing she needs to live as normal a life as she can. That isnt just GF being a bitch, that is abusive. Imagine that the DD with deafness wasnt deaf but a wheelchair user and the GF refused to allow her to use the chair in the house. That is what she is doing.

Ex enabling that is therefore also abusive and that would be the line I would be taking if I was the OP.

To deny a deaf person (esp a child) subtitles is unbelievably cruel.
What a massive bastard she is. Poor DD. My own DC has a disability and I’d like to think I’d have handled it as calmly as you but I’m not sure I would have. Well done.

Actively preventing a disabled child from having their required living arrangements needs complaining about. If taken to court the gf and dad will be seen as abusers.

An abuser and an enabler is a different matter.

I’ve experienced similar with my three op and exh was quite happy to centre the gf’s pov. In the end, because he didn’t like being ‘told off’ (ie the kids asking me to talk to him because they didn’t feel able to raise it with him) he decided to just stop seeing them. Men like this would rather cut off their own kids than do a bit of self reflection and admit they are wrong. Sorry op. It sucks. I’d be suggesting neutral space/no gf going forwards, if that’s what the girls want.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I'm not sure if you actually read what happened.
My disabled daughter was unable to sit in her father's home and watch TV (they were all watching a film) because a tool she needed was taken away from her by her father's gf, we still do not know the full reason why she done this. For speaking up, she was then shouted at by this woman which was witnessed by her siblings which lead to my eldest calling me (it was chaos) meanwhile her father sat by and done nothing.
If a MAN had done this to his WIFE, everyone would be saying he's abusive and get rid. But you don't see this behaviour as abusive, just ignorant and want me to calm down and stop being dramatic?

I haven't stopped him at all, I've given alternatives, all 3 girls are very happy to see dad away from her, none of them have said they want to see her again, especially my daughter who was affected, she does not understand why she was shouted at for telling the truth and wanting to come home.

Please don't comment on my past relationship, it's irrelevant and makes you look very petty!
Thank you.

Thank you again everyone
@Unexpectedlysinglemum post threw me this morning.
However all 3 girls have said they are happy to see dad without gf, especially M - she was in tears this morning asking why she was shouted at, all she done was tell me what had happened and she couldn't watch the film. She sat on her phone on the sofa cuddling her big sister.

I'm just dropping the girls to school now and the driving to meet my XH.
Hopefully all goes well

You said that your ex mother in law said you were unreasonable but then that she had told your ex husband he was in the wrong. So I assume her view was that the girlfriend shouldn’t have blocked the subtitles and shouted but you shouldn’t stop the girls going back to the house? If she has his ear can she press harder on the girlfriend point?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum the GF was abusive. She abused a young child with a disability.
@Sortitout81 took action to protect her child and her siblings, has been proactive in trying to sort it out having spoken to her children about what they want.
Good luck with your meeting @Sortitout81 . Hope your ex is willing to acknowledge the GFs behaviour was unacceptable and wrong.

@Sortitout81 wow!! speaking as someone who is deaf and probably has the same percentage of hearing in the one ear as your daughter, that is a shitty thing for his girlfriend to do to a child, or anyone for that matter!! I have relied on subtitles for years and when if i watch something which doesnt have subtitles then the tv in my kitchen is blaring so loudly that the neighbours on the opposite side of the street can hear it!! if you go to court, make sure you stress the subtitles requirement on the tv for her deafness. no one on this planet could possible find her actions reasonable!! as for your daughter struggling in noisy busy places, that is very true. if there is too much background noise, a deaf person ends up hearing nothing at all. I can vouch for that.

Oh gosh OP, what a horrible situation for you and your poor dds. It's baffling to me why a grown adult wouldn't make all the accommodations in the world for someone struggling with anything, let alone a little girl - and with something so simple!

But I don't think you can stop the contact, or dictate where it is or who is present I'm afraid. I mean, in the short term perhaps you can but it won't be looked on favourably if it continues. You also can't demand to meet her if she refuses. I don't want to just be negative, I totally understand why you feel rightfully justified - but I really think you'll be in a sticky situation if he wants to fight it. Do you think he will?

so if the girls go to Devon to stay with their granny for the first two weeks of the school holidays, presumably the gf won't be there? or will she turn up one of the weekends? or will he go back to London to see her, and leave his daughters behind? Glad you have a good relationship with your ex MIL, and it sounds like she will not allow any bullying behaviour or subtitle-deprivation under her roof.

@Longtimelurkerfinallyposts my ex MIL hasn't met her yet, and from how she's treated her GD she doesn't seem to keen to do so, she idolises my girls they have a great relationship with her and her husband (my XH step father.) My ex FIL doesn't really see them since him and my XH fell out over 9 years ago, which is a shame. She moved to Devon 3 years ago and they have spent the majority of the holidays down there with her and the occasional weekend. She obviously doesn't want her son to miss out but understands my view point and hopes we can reach a suitable agreement with the girls at the forefront of our agreement.

@Longtimelurkerfinallyposts I don't think he would go back to London, but who knows. And if this situation isn't sorted I doubt she have her in the home or tolerate her abusive ways

His girlfriend sounds like a nutcase why on earth would subtitles bother her that much especially knowing your daughter is hard of hearing. I would of reacted worse than you.

Your exs priority should be his children so it's on him what he does about this. You've done all you can.

I feel sad for your girls.

I don’t have hearing issues and I watch tv with subtitles (and often have a little laugh at the words on screen compared to what’s actually been said).

11, 9 and 8 year olds who love their dad don't want to be stopped entirely from seeing their father - that's much more traumatic than dealing with the gfs nonsense while being there.

Not necessarily. My DC found that making the decision not to see their Dad less traumatic than him constantly choosing their SM over them.

As a fellow deaf person, your ex is being an absolute arsehole. I am not completely deaf but I still need subtitles on, and I try and lipread as much as possible.

I would have done the same as you have done. He will have done so much damage to his relationships with his daughters with this that can never really be undone. They have seen him for what he truly is.

@LuckysDadsHat thank you, my daughter has 70% hearing in one ear and none in the other - she does have a "aid" which she does wear when at school but at home she prefers not to as we BSL mostly if needs be and her speech is fine (some words are hard to understand but we get by)

I am starting a BSL online course in September, as I worry that my hearing is slowly getting worse so at least I can communicate to others and not have to rely on lipreading all the time which I find extremely draining mentally.

You phrased that so much better than I would have.

@LuckysDadsHat BSL is amazing, we were very lucky to get it for free through our amazing health visitor.
My daughter goes to a mainstream school with a specialist deaf unit (unfortunately not in the same school as her siblings but very close by) and is doing amazingly well.
She hasn't learnt to lipread as yet but she does study our mouths when she talks to us without signing so maybe in time she will be able to use this as well.

The conversation went somewhat ok.
His gf wanted to talk to me, but I didn't think a telephone call would be ok, I would like to meet face to face so we have agreed to on Sunday (my girls are at my brother's for the day with cousins) myself, my XH and her.

My ex has apologised for his behaviour, I asked why he didn't say anything and he honestly couldn't answer, mumbled alot saying his girls will always come first and his gf was hungover but it wasn't an excuse and she was trying to give her confidence in not watching with subtitles.
I asked him what he would different if that was to happen again, especially shouting at her and he said it wouldn't happen again so he couldn't answer that.
He kept apologising and asked to see his girls as normal, but understood my view point and he agrees to seeing them at my home on his weekends we agreed Saturday 12-5 and Sunday 10-3

I'm not sure how long this will last for, or if he will stick to it but I made it clear that the girls do not want to see his gf at the moment, he understands this and asked what his gf could do to make it up to them, I had no answers for him.

He calls every other day/night so will call tomorrow at 7.30.

We left it at - see you sunday.
Off to pick the girls up now.

Thank you all again