Exh new GF

[Sortitout81]

I divorced 5 years ago, we fell out of love, I was with him 17 years in total, we are 43 and have 3 children, 11, 9 and 8 all girls.
The spilt was amicable, we both tried to stay as close to each other (location wise) but that didn't work out due to finances. He's in Chelmsford and I'm in London. However he always done as much as he could, we had a good co parenting relationship, until now.

My XH met his new partner in November, by the end of April she was living with him, he introduced the girls in feb - which went well, they seemed to like her etc until recently.
She hasn't got any children and is 10 years younger, my middle daughter is deaf (completely in one ear, and 30% in right) her speech is fine, we BSL as much as we can at home always have done.
My daughter text me on Sunday saying she wanted to come home early, I asked why she said "daddy's gf is being mean, she won't let her have the subtitles on the TV and said she's not deaf deaf so why does she need it and to stop being a silly little girl" I asked if anyone else heard this she said "yes, daddy did and he never said anything"
Subtitles helps my daughter hugely, no one has ever had a problem with subtitles on the TV so I rang him and told him what was said and his reply was "but she's right (his gf) what's the problem.
I said I would talk to him on handover.
Literally 5 minutes later my eldest daughter rang me and said "dad's gf is screaming at my middle daughter because I called dad telling her off" I could hear the yelling on the phone, it was chaos.

London to Chelmsford isn't a quick drive but I told my XH I was coming to get my children.
At handover, he literally bundled them into my arms and said "don't blame my gf they are turning into little horrors" he's never said this before and was so unlike him.

I text him a essay when I got home as I didn't want the girls to see us arguing and I asked him if I could meet his gf to talk to her, of course he said no.
I then said "ok well until this conversation has been had, no contact with the girls"
He ignored me
His mum contacted me tonight and asked what had happened, I told her and she said I was being unreasonable......dad should still have contact at a neutral place.

I don't think he should at the moment, he doesn't want to "upset" his gf would rather his girls were upset.
I've never stopped contact, not bothered he's in a new relationship (I spilt with someone in march after a year)
It's his first serious relationship since we divorced, and I can't help but think he's been "vagina whipped"

AIBU for stopping this madness

Gf has got what she wants, no annoying children around and she's pissed you off. See what their Dad suggests about the next meeting, let things cool down a bit first .

The GF is a total bitch and I wouldn’t have her round my kids ever again. Given her behaviour so far, I dread to think how she will escalate in future. Your ex is worse because he has allowed his children to be subjected to her.

I do agree with your ex MIL that he should still be able to see the children without the girlfriend (grandparent’s house?). However. From his reaction so far is he going to bother? It would be genuinely a shame if he didn’t but it would be out of your control.

Struggling to see what harm subtitles could possibly do. She sounds vile. The father though is appalling, imagine not backing his daughter over that.

So grown woman shouted and screamed at a nine year old partially deaf child because she wanted subtitles on? Their prick of a father, who is only interested in getting his dick wet, not only didn’t stick up for them he backed his new gf.
Don’t do anything let him contact you. Then ask him how is going to protect his children from being abused by this woman. I would be spitting feathers let him do all the running.

Oh FUCK no. YANBU. Captions are a completely reasonable accommodation. That gf and your husband are being disgusting. Your daughter isn’t asking for the moon. He should be her protector, and yet he’s ganging up and bullying.
if he thinks they’re turning into terrors, maybe he doesn’t deserve them or you and he can fuck right off with his monstrous new asshole.

I agree with what you did OP.
Do you have a CAO in place?

I agree with what you did but would suggest you do need to maintain contact. I would say to dad that it is not suitable for them to stay with him because of your daughter's needs not being met, but you can arrange for him to meet with the girls (local to you, and supervised it you wanted by another family member). Court never look favourably on a parent who blocks contact and doesn't try to find a solution, so if it did go down this route you would end up looking like the bad guy.
I would keep the text she sent you as evidence that she was being denied use of subtitles.
Also has she previously used subtitles while at his house? I would be speaking to him about knowing her needs and previously this was fine, so it is strange to no longer let her use them which helps her.

Thank you all for your support.
He contacted me this morning - apologised but then took it back, still maintaining that our daughter does well without subtitles and his gf wasn't being "cruel or mean" but it came from a good place. I asked him if he asked what M wanted, he said "well no, but she didn't argue back" of course she didn't she was probably frightened.
My youngest daughter and M don't want to go to daddy's house anymore because of her, they both said this in the car on the way home. My eldest hasn't said anything, but I will ask her this evening.
I still have a good relationship with my ex MIL and unfortunately contact wouldn't be able to take part at her house due to her moving back to Devon a few years back.

I don't want to stop contact if the girls want to see daddy, and our relationship was good so I would feel safe having him in my home to facilitate contact, I said this to him that would be the only way that he would see the girls as his gf lives at his house. He kinda refused this as he said his gf wouldn't like him spending time in the family home (it's not it's my home, he's never lived here, we sold ours when we divorced) but he would get back to me on this.

We both agreed that we can avoid court at the moment, but I said I do not want that woman around my children which he said nothing back.
He asked to speak to the girls this evening when home from school and I said I would ask them if they wanted to talk to him, he become a little bit angry at this saying "why what have you said to them" which I replied "nothing, but there last memories of the weekend are of you bundling them out the house" again he went quiet.

So we are at a stalemate at the moment I think, unless we do a neutral place, which would work but my daughter struggles with very noisy places, and loses concentration. He knows this, my home is the only place unless we use my brothers home which is a 20 minutes drive from me but he has his own family so It would be alot to ask and both my parents passed over 7 years ago.

Thank you again

Sorry off topic a bit but does it cost 10k for a dad to take his children's mother to court now?

@Sortitout81 you’re handling this really well, all things considered. Well done on protecting your girls. 💐

Agree. You’ve handled it well. Your exh can now meet your kids at a neutral place. Get if in writing that his new partner is abusive to your daughter. If you have a legal agreement go the solicitor to get it altered that you are taking your dd out of an abusive situation that he(your ex) is enabling.
Just read your update. His partner is out of order to he abusive to your kids in their dads home (also their home) and controlling to say no visits at yours. It’s time to go to court as your ex can’t stand up to his nasty controlling partner . No need to ask your kids as they might feel obligated to give it a go at their dad’s house again. Just say to them that contact will be at your house. If their dad puts his controlling partner first it’s his problem. Get legal advice. You are there for your kids. No one should get abuse for disability. It’s good that your dd told you because now you can act on her behalf and lay down the law to her weak father.

Just wow. They are both bullying your dd and he is OK with that?
I doubt he will seek legal advice.
Offer up a cafe /activity place half way between the homes... If he shows great if he doesn't dd's can have fun anyway...
If he doesn't show sadly he has made his choice...

Well he’d better sort himself out sharpish, it’s only a few years until even the youngest can vote with her feet.

This is how fathers lose contact with their children and are ‘bewildered’ by why this has happened.

I would be absolutely livid OP. Has he forgotten the journey you went through to get your daughter a diagnosis and finding the modifications that work for her? Presumably you managed this together and he was an active part of the process. He needs reminding of this and I would be suggesting that the girlfriend educates herself on hearing loss, deafness and inclusivity.
I would also be pushing that contact will be when they are able or prepared to provide a supportive environment that allows all children to participate and not be challenged for not being 'deaf enough' to warrant subtitles.
What an absolute pair of dick heads.

You handled everything very well. How lucky your girls are to have a mother like you protecting them.
What I would do is talk to exh and ask him if he's forgotten that dd2 has a disability and therefore needs certain things to be included; like subtitles. Also ask if he's explained dd2s condition to gf. It doesn't sound like it or she would be the cruellest woman on earth. Tell him you WANT him to be in your daughters lives, they need their father. But he has to stand up and protect them just like you would if you had a disrespectful partner. The children must come first.
Try to be calm because the more aggressive you are the more he feels he must defend gf. If you're calm and underlining that you think it's important he has the girls maybe he will admit that it wasn't fair to dd2 and agree to stand up for her. It does sound like gf is jealous of you and I wonder if she did all this on purpose to get rid of the kids once she was sure she could get away w anything.

You are a great mum @Sortitout81 .💐

You’re doing everything you need to protect your daughters from this horrible woman and their spineless dad. Disgusting bullying a disabled child. I was 8 when I voted with my feet and chose to stop contact with my father and his horrible girlfriend/her horrible bullying kids OP. This was in the 90’s. If it gets that far, the courts absolutely do take the child’s feeling into account.

You sound like a really solid mum.

Be strong x

Personally I really dislike subtitles on TV unless it’s a foreign language film/programme.

However, because I like to watch foreign language films and series and had elderly parents - one who became 100% deaf - I fully know and understand the requirement for subtitles.

The GF probably dislikes subtitles and finds them distracting but has no empathy for others and thinks the world revolves around her. Totally selfish and not a nice person.

YANBU.

Like others have said, stay out of the family court system if you possibly can. I can easily imagine you being the one getting a bollocking from a judge for ceasing contact, they may decide you have leaned on the girls and Then you’re in a very scary road where ultimately if there is serious concern about alienation (which can crop up from something like this which is clearly totally unfair) and they would not care about what’s happened. It’s appalling and unless you’ve been through it hard to describe just how disfunctional it is, and how fast things escalate. I completely understand you not wanting the girlfriend around your children but you are not on strong ground on this so I wouldn’t push it. I’m so sorry, it’s really fucked but that’s the way it is

Don’t let the abuser frighten you out of legal action. Get advice from a solicitor on what to do. You are being reasonable. The dad is weak and can’t put his kids first.

I agree about getting legal advice. This GF is not a specialist in any kind of disability and it is not for her to dictate what your DD needs or doesn't need. She has no right to interfere and this sounds like bullying as well as creating a conflict so she can be top dog in your Ex-H's eyes. Revolting all round.

Wow and how desperately sad that a father should be more invested in the desires of his latest date than his own biological children’s physical and mental well being. Sounds like he’s utterly petrified of losing his ten years younger GF.

He won’t take it to court because his GF won’t want them back, he won’t go to yours because his GF feels uncomfortable with the idea. The person who is to blame is your ex, he is enabling GF to bully your DC, he would rather they were bullied than putting their needs first, he is weak AF and wants to ensure nothing upsets her. She doesn’t love your DC, she doesn’t care about them but he is meant to.
You are a fantastic mum, you’re trying your best to keep your children seeing their dad without GF so they don’t get bullied. I don’t know if that is possible because ex is minimising DC’s emotions, trying to put the blame on them and if push comes to shove, will likely walk away from them. That will certainly happen if ex has a baby with her in the future. I think you need to think of a way to carefully explain to them, that they are very precious, they are not to blame whatsoever, that no one has the right to bully or scare them and the best thing is for their dad to come to yours to see them. That parents have to protect their children and if they don’t, then it’s not the child’s fault. That you will always love and protect them.

What on earth was the girlfriend's objection to your daughter having the subtitles on if it would make her viewing/listening experience easier? Watching TV should be an enjoyable, relaxing experience, not an opportunity for your daughter to show resiliance. Is the girlfriend uncomfortable with your daughter's deafness so expects your daughter to navigate the 'hearing' world without any aids or adjustments?

She sounds ableist to me and I would refuse to let her have any contact with my daughter, if I were you.

No, a child arrangements order costs £263 to apply for. You could easily represent yourself and spend nothing further.