To be upset by MIL's birthday gift?

[Welshlady89]

I've been with my partner for seven years and we have a toddler together.

My MIL and SIL are not easy people. To phrase this kindly, they lack some social skills. To phrase this unkindly, they are cold and miserable people and conversing with them is like squeezing blood out of a stone.

To give you some additional backstory, my SIL (in her 40s) is so cold/strange that she didn't bother to acknowledge one of my miscarriages, even by text, until my partner told her to. By this point, I was in the hospital having the operation. She didn't think it was neccessary apparently.

Each year, I make a big effort with my MIL's gifts. I'm from a family that always acknowledge birthdays and occassions, and always make an effort to celebrate. It's not about lavish gifts but thoughtful ones.

For the last two years, my MIL has given me a very average bottle of wine that she stockpiles in her house. This year, she did also manage to get me a small plant for the garden. But then I opened the card, and it was the same Tesco one from last year, the most generic card that says 'vino' on it. Fine. I thanked her graciously. Then she texted me to inform me that the wine was also from her daughter and her daughter's partner (who is even colder and sucks joy even more profoundly). One £7.50 bottle of wine, split three-ways.

I'm trying to analyse why I'm upset. It's not the monetary value, it's that it's such a generic present, the kind you would buy a work colleague. And the fact she keeps giving me the same generic stock-piled card. It's the total lack of effort or consideration. And then to imply it's split three ways like all three of them considered it? It feels even more insulting.

Also, so much 'vino' - on the card and then the bottle of wine. It's almost implying I have a 'vino' problem? I don't btw.

Would you feel insulted? How do I stop feeling so pissed off about this?

Some people are just shit at gifts. You probably just have to suck it up. Does she show kindness on other ways?

What I never understand with these sort of posts (which are frequent) is why you persist in buying the expensive “thoughtful” presents when that’s clearly not what that family do. Also, why isn’t your husband sorting out his side of the family?

Ah that's rubbish op.
I would leave gift buying to dp in future and not bother buying for them anymore. Does he help but their gifts at all or is it down to you?

I understand what you mean.
Some people have the knack of using presents to be insulting.
When I was quite a young girl my aunt gave me handkerchief as a Christmas present. Just an ordinary handkerchief.
I felt mortified. I felt so insignificant. I'd rather she'd not bothered with a present at all.
If I were you OP I would certainly stop making any effort with your MiL and Sil . Don't put yourself out for them, don't bother with thoughtful presents. They are as they are. It's not you , its them that are unpleasant.

It sounds like she's not into gift giving and so she's just going through the motions.

Hand your husband's job back to him and let him buy his mum's gifts.

Match that energy! Same card and bottle next year for her. Text to say it is from you and her son. ✅

This!! Buy yourself something nice and let him sort his family out.

Honestly OP so what. She gets you a shit gift yearly so clearly she gives shit gifts. It means nothing more than that.

you say they’re cold and stand offish so that is likely to be how the approach all
aspects of your relationship to them. Stop trying so hard and match their energy.

you are giving this entirely too much thought. Put your feet up pour a big glass and text them a thank you pic with a wine emoji. Job done.

I think you’re being paranoid that they think you have a drink problem.

You feel crap because they’re treating you like crap. Match their energy. Either your DH buys for them or it’s a £1 basket of soaps from the poundshop next year for them.

Agree with others, gifts probably just aren't important to them. It's probably not intended as insulting and you don't need to tie yourself in knots finding special presents if they aren't bothered. Birthdays are a much bigger deal in DH's family than mine. Not everyone is thst bothered about them.

And when I had a miscarriage I had no problem with SIL knowing but I didn't expect her to contact me. She spoke to DH for both if us. It wasn't necessary or obvious to me she could contact me separately so I wouldn't hold that as a grudge either.

And the neighbours, the post lady and that weird bloke who walks that fat little dog every morning.

They are who they are, you are who you are. It would be perfectly reasonable to you to reciprocate in kind, but if you get enjoyment from giving thoughtful gifts thrn carry on doing that. Neither of you is wrong

How do I stop feeling so pissed off about this?

You stop sending MIL and SIL and SIL’s partner presents.

You don’t remind DH of their birthdays.

Your expectations are different from theirs. That’s ok. Just stopped buying them gifts. I don’t buy my siblings, siblings in law presents, except for big birthdays, then it’s usually a join gift between us all.

If your SIL is so strange and cold, why did you want/need her to acknowledge your MC? If you persist in having unreasonable expectations of these people, they'll only keep disappointing you. Bin them off emotionally.

Let her son buy her presents going forward. She might not be a present person.
I have 2 sons and I intend to make a big effort with their partners and I will get them gifts, having tried to find out what they would like but I am really not into gifts for myself. This is not me being a martyr it’s just my personality. I get stressed out with clutter and I hate waste. I am very minimalistic and I just don’t like being constantly given things. I have a family member that absolutely insists on it plus a boyfriend who buys me things and 2 friends. Even that makes me feel really overwhelmed. I appreciate things name issue and probably weird but my sons do what I have asked and don’t buy me things but they ring me/ text me/ make me cups of tea on the day if we are together. I hope this message will be passed on to daughters in law that I’m not a miserable person or anything like that I just prefer a phone call to an item. So not everyone is the same and maybe they prefer low effort/ no presents. I wouldn’t read anything into that on its own but they don’t sound that nice in general.

Go buy 20 of the generic VINO birthday cards. Thats her and SIL birthday card for the next 10 years. With an echo falls wine.

Stop making effort and stop caring. They don’t care about you.

Stop making a big deal of buying their gifts , leave it to your partner he’s their relative , all you need to do is text ‘happy birthday’ on the day .

You are making life harder for yourself by buying them thoughtful presents when they don't really care. Let your husband sort their presents out. As for the MC maybe your sil just didn't know what to say. Some people don't have much in the way of social skills. Lower your expectations because you are not going to change them.

Some people are shit at gifts.
Some people are just shit.
Only spend £2.50 on her next time.

Match the energy and leave the gift buying to your bloke for his family. You don't need to buy them anything.

You clearly dislike MIL and SIL, and that’s absolutely fine, so don’t get hurt or upset over their gifts/cards. There’s just no point.

Some people/families are good at presents and celebrating things (and having social skills and being supportive) and others are not.

Mine absolutely wasn’t and I didn’t grow up having any of that modelled to me. I think my social skills and ability to support are now ok but I’m still a bit rubbish at presents. Mostly in caring about them for myself, which admittedly isn’t ideal.

Slightly separately, I’m very “meh” about cards. Unless there’s a longish, personal message inside i can’t often see the point.

But anyway, just wanted to give you a different point of view.

Why do people let others live rent-free in their heads like this?

This.

Part of why you are annoyed is the energy difference.

Stop. I understand it as i hate shit gifts. To energy match I have a selection of generic "nice enough" gifts that I give to people I dont care for / make no effort for me. I keep them stocked in a cupboard so its extra low effort.