To be upset by MIL's birthday gift?

[Welshlady89]

I've been with my partner for seven years and we have a toddler together.

My MIL and SIL are not easy people. To phrase this kindly, they lack some social skills. To phrase this unkindly, they are cold and miserable people and conversing with them is like squeezing blood out of a stone.

To give you some additional backstory, my SIL (in her 40s) is so cold/strange that she didn't bother to acknowledge one of my miscarriages, even by text, until my partner told her to. By this point, I was in the hospital having the operation. She didn't think it was neccessary apparently.

Each year, I make a big effort with my MIL's gifts. I'm from a family that always acknowledge birthdays and occassions, and always make an effort to celebrate. It's not about lavish gifts but thoughtful ones.

For the last two years, my MIL has given me a very average bottle of wine that she stockpiles in her house. This year, she did also manage to get me a small plant for the garden. But then I opened the card, and it was the same Tesco one from last year, the most generic card that says 'vino' on it. Fine. I thanked her graciously. Then she texted me to inform me that the wine was also from her daughter and her daughter's partner (who is even colder and sucks joy even more profoundly). One £7.50 bottle of wine, split three-ways.

I'm trying to analyse why I'm upset. It's not the monetary value, it's that it's such a generic present, the kind you would buy a work colleague. And the fact she keeps giving me the same generic stock-piled card. It's the total lack of effort or consideration. And then to imply it's split three ways like all three of them considered it? It feels even more insulting.

Also, so much 'vino' - on the card and then the bottle of wine. It's almost implying I have a 'vino' problem? I don't btw.

Would you feel insulted? How do I stop feeling so pissed off about this?

Why? She isn't a nice person, she hasn't treated you with any kindness or respect so you don't owe her anything. Do you see her on your own with the baby or with your husband?

Honestly, as previous posters have said, I'd match her energy and effort, i.e. give her nothing, and stop seeing her and let your DH buy and send the cards and presents, if he wants her to have something.

A gift is something that someone wants to give.

My MIL and SIL have never acknowledged our need for IVF or my miscarriage and the surgery I needed afterwards. I think some people just don't care about that anything that doesn't directly affect them .

yanbu about the gift
yabu about the card I can never remember what card I give from one year to the next. Or receive for that matter unless it’s really memorable

Really? why put yourself through that - I'd be backing off and going low contact - what are they bringing to your or your families lives?

I think you're being a bit of a martyr here OP. Yes, your MIL and SIL sound particularly awful but you've not lowered your expectations.

Get your DH to buy his own DM her gifts. Don't see her once a week. And drink your wine whenever you get it. Set boundaries.

You're giving this far too much unnecessary headspace.

you don't, it's a choice, choose a different one.

I think I can make you feel better OP! My darling MIL gifted me some shampoo for my birthday, no this was not designer fragrance but Herbal Essences 😅. It was nicely wrapped in tissue paper and put inside a very crumpled gift bag which was obviously on its fifth outing🤣Just to be clear, I don't have dirty hair and MIL does not have dementia. Some people are just clueless 🥴

I’m not trying to sound mean or harsh to you but honestly I simply couldn’t find it in myself to care about this. It’s not personal cause she’s weird towards her own son as well, so why are you expending energy on this? It’s not worth it.
Also why do you have to see them every week?

I have a similar MIL and SIL, they are both miserable people and don’t have a friend to there name. Match there energy, my MIL gets whatever birthday present my husband picks and my SIL gets nothing because she’s a miserable cow who didn’t even congratulate us on our engagement.

They both sound awful. I would move on and not overthink it all. It's just eating you up and making you feel miserable. It could also be your MIL buys you the same card every year as she forgets which ones she buys! Is she menopausal? Brains go to mush! Maybe a genuine mistake. However best to accept this, drink your wine relax and laugh at your duplicate cards!

Each year, I make a big effort with my MIL's gifts. I'm from a family that always acknowledge birthdays and occassions, and always make an effort to celebrate. It's not about lavish gifts but thoughtful ones.

Well, there you go.
As is often said on here, giving presents is your "love language" but it doesn't mean it is the same for everyone.

I'd prefer a bottle of wine over the "specially chosen, thoughtful" in her opinion presents I get from one of my sister-in-laws each year.

I'm another who is also wondering why you "have to" see your MiL every week.

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and my MIL has literally never given me a birthday gift, and it doesn’t bother me at all. (She does always send a card, which I appreciate.)

I can’t really imagine being bothered by this.

I get shit gifts from my ILs, too.

I have enough shower stuff to last the rest of my life, especially since anything with sulphates in dries my skin out to the point that it gets sore, and I only dare use it every 4th day, and use sulphate free Sanex the rest of the time. One set of ILs gave me a bottle of Sainsbury's Portugese red wine one Christmas. I'm not a wine snob, but SIL knows that red wine gives me migraine and I hardly ever drink it, and never more than a glass, because she has exactly the same issue. I suspect it was a regift, likewise last year's Christmas present: a half bottle of prosecco and a jar of marmalade!

One year, one of them gave me a Radley purse, which was nice, but the box it came in was really faded as though it had been in a shop window for years.

I'm trying to find a way of saying tactfully that all I really want is book tokens or a Waterstones gift card, that way I can get something that I'll really enjoy and would have bought for myself.

Two of them have significant birthdays this month. I bought the younger one, who had her first baby earlier in the year, a beautiful silver photo frame that holds three photographs and for the other, who always has flowers in the house, a lovely Dartington vase, in coloured glass that will go with her living room colours.

I'll be interested to see what shite I get for my 70th in a few weeks' time!

I have a relative who went through a period of giving my DC the same socks each year. It wasn’t an issue for me but we have a good relationship. In your shoes I would hand responsibility for buying their gifts to your husband and set your own boundaries.

With regard to their behaviour around your miscarriages, OP, I’m really sorry you’ve been through all that. But honestly, if a relative of mine had had multiple losses and was then pregnant again, I don’t think I would be raising it as a topic of conversation over dinner until and unless they brought it up themselves. Anything could have happened and they might not appreciate questions. The idea of you and your husband sitting there fuming because your ILs hadn’t mentioned it, when you could have simply taken out the scan photos and shown them around if you wanted to, gives the impression that you’re both quite hard work.

I have to see MIL every week.

Unless there is a court order, no-you don't.

Tell her you cooked rabbit / beef / octopus stew with it, and it was delicious. Do not let her see she's getting to you.