To be upset by MIL's birthday gift?

[Welshlady89]

I've been with my partner for seven years and we have a toddler together.

My MIL and SIL are not easy people. To phrase this kindly, they lack some social skills. To phrase this unkindly, they are cold and miserable people and conversing with them is like squeezing blood out of a stone.

To give you some additional backstory, my SIL (in her 40s) is so cold/strange that she didn't bother to acknowledge one of my miscarriages, even by text, until my partner told her to. By this point, I was in the hospital having the operation. She didn't think it was neccessary apparently.

Each year, I make a big effort with my MIL's gifts. I'm from a family that always acknowledge birthdays and occassions, and always make an effort to celebrate. It's not about lavish gifts but thoughtful ones.

For the last two years, my MIL has given me a very average bottle of wine that she stockpiles in her house. This year, she did also manage to get me a small plant for the garden. But then I opened the card, and it was the same Tesco one from last year, the most generic card that says 'vino' on it. Fine. I thanked her graciously. Then she texted me to inform me that the wine was also from her daughter and her daughter's partner (who is even colder and sucks joy even more profoundly). One £7.50 bottle of wine, split three-ways.

I'm trying to analyse why I'm upset. It's not the monetary value, it's that it's such a generic present, the kind you would buy a work colleague. And the fact she keeps giving me the same generic stock-piled card. It's the total lack of effort or consideration. And then to imply it's split three ways like all three of them considered it? It feels even more insulting.

Also, so much 'vino' - on the card and then the bottle of wine. It's almost implying I have a 'vino' problem? I don't btw.

Would you feel insulted? How do I stop feeling so pissed off about this?

The card and present wouldn't bother me but I'd put as much effort into theirs.

You lost me with the miscarriage. I have never discussed mine with my SILs and have no idea if MIL ever told them. It was a non issue. The miscarriages were but they were private and between DH and I.

I think some people feel like a miscarriage is such a personal thing that a text may feel a bit intrusive. Given that you’re not close to your sil, a text about something like that may have been a bit uncomfortable for her. I didn’t expect any texts after my miscarriage. I’m not saying this means you shouldn’t have expected any, just that some people may not have thought it appropriate

Some people are ‘shit at gifts’ because they are selfish dicks who are too lazy to put themselves out or be thoughtful. I don’t agree that you should just buy shit gifts in return. No. That just drags everyone to their level.

You have a right to expect better and they should do better. This should be communicated via your DH - if he was a decent partner he’d be angry on your behalf.

love it when one of the first posts saves me typing out the exact same!

Yes they sound a bit shit but at the end of the day, you should know what they're like by now, they aren't going to change. Either give because you like to, or stop, don't give in the hope she might one day change her entire personality. Just take a step back, DH can buy or not buy a present as he chooses to, you can make polite conversation on the very occasional times you see them and spare them no further thought.

Stop buying for them.

OP, they are not people you like or enjoy.
Accept it.
Stop allowing them to be such a focus.
Match their energy.

Look inwards as to why you would allow them to be so important?
Forget about them.
Drop the rope completely.
Stop with thoughtful presents.
They really are not interested.

Accept them for who they really are and move on.
I mean it really kindly, get over it.
For your life, and that of your husband and children.

I think you’re reading too much into it. It sounds like they are generally fairly thoughtless, rather than targeting you.

You need to meet like with like. Stop buying thoughtful gifts , and go generic - Boots 3 for 2 bath set/ biscuits/ socks. Better still, leave it to your husband to buy for them.

Some people don’t care about gifts and just don’t consider them to be important - to give or to receive. To be honest, buying presents for adults is hard work because adults have disposable income and can buy what they want and some don’t like “stuff” for the sake of it. My sister and I sometimes exchange cards, sometimes we don’t. I don’t keep track. She’s still my sister and I love her. It’s just not important.

Miscarriages are incredibly personal. I’d have hated it if all my extended family and inlaws were texting whilst I was bleeding and waiting for surgery. I can’t imagine anything worse.

So yeah, are they cold and horrible people or are they just different to you.

Stop getting them thoughtful presents-that’s your DH’s job, if he can be arsed.

I get nothing from my MIL. She’s an artist and paints cards and I don’t even get one of those! Hence I put ZERO effort in to anything for her and leave it to DH! Do this next time!

What kind of thing does she buy DH?

This. I don't understand people who get crap presents year on year from family but reciprocate with "kind and well thought out gifts"

Just stop. On MIL and SIL's birthdays, buy them a box of tea bags from you, DH and kids. Match it like for like and have fun with it. I'd turn it into a competion for the crappest gift and make sure I won, every bloody time

10 for a quid from The Card Factory
Add on age on them to make a birthday card..
Or better still leave all the wife work to dh and never acknowledge any of their birthdays ever again.

This🤣🤣🤣

Match their energy…

Stop caring, and let your partner sort out his family’s gifts.

Some people aren't just into doing gifts. This alone wouldn't bother me. My FIL and late MIL don't/didn't do birthday stuff at all. However they are (were) loving and kind people. Also, every adult gets the same (non) treatment for birthdays. So there's no favoritism.

Your ILs being otherwise unpleasant might be a problem. But I wouldn't read much into the birthday stuff alone.

Also, sorry about your miscarriage. But not everyone handles this stuff the same way. I wouldn't have wanted family texts for mine other than from my mum.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I never told either of my SIL's or in-laws about all 3 of mine. If I had, I wouldn't have expected a sympathy card or even a text, because I'm not close to them- hence never told them. DH felt exactly the same.

I agree with cutting back on the nice gifts and putting so much thought into it. I soon realised that my MIL didn't do cards and gives very little thought to any gift. She also doesn't wrap, so the gift will come in the bag from the shop- sometimes with your name written on the bag if lucky. 1 year that included a bag of defrosted peas with my gift and another time, a pair of boys superman underpants!

DH can't wear synthetics due to them making him sweat- she knows this! 1 year she bought him a black, polyester balaclava. Burglar style! We live in SE England, not the north pole! Along with a jacket made from recycled plastic bottles from lidl which was 3 sizes to small for him. I got the apron in the pic, and yes, I had put on weight due to ill health! I'd cut down massively how much thought I give to their gifts now.

When people come from families who show their love through gifts, it just ses you up to fail, because no one is ever going to live up to your expectations of what you think gifts should be. They are just your in laws, token gifs are fine. I wouldn't expect any gift at all. My own actual family don't always give me gifts because we have a normal relationship where we don't put monetary value on our love. Some people just couldn't give a shit abou gifts and you really need to understand that. I've got people in my life who keep insisting on buying me gifts when I really don't want them to. I don't buy them anything because I'm trying to stop them from doing it. It's annoying. Also I definitely don't buy my in laws gifts. That's my partners job.

Agree OP it’s thoughtless , you deserve better I am sure x

I agree with this ^

Some people put a lot of thought into gifts, others don't. It doesn't mean anything more than that.

Stop putting so much thought into your gifts to them.

I’m sorry for your losses and ill health, but may I just say a huge thanks for going to the effort of attaching these pictures, it’s really made me laugh, the balaclava in particular 😂

It doesn’t sound like you like them very much - why exchange gifts at all? I don’t even exchange gifts with my own parents, never mind my partner’s parents, and I get on well with them all.

Please tell me you are not intending to play the dutiful fool and continue buying them presents. Treat them exactly as they treat you. Don’t be the bigger person, that type of stupid mentality gets you nowhere. All it does is gives people permission to continue to treat you badly. I would just not even bother.