To be upset by MIL's birthday gift?

[Welshlady89]

I've been with my partner for seven years and we have a toddler together.

My MIL and SIL are not easy people. To phrase this kindly, they lack some social skills. To phrase this unkindly, they are cold and miserable people and conversing with them is like squeezing blood out of a stone.

To give you some additional backstory, my SIL (in her 40s) is so cold/strange that she didn't bother to acknowledge one of my miscarriages, even by text, until my partner told her to. By this point, I was in the hospital having the operation. She didn't think it was neccessary apparently.

Each year, I make a big effort with my MIL's gifts. I'm from a family that always acknowledge birthdays and occassions, and always make an effort to celebrate. It's not about lavish gifts but thoughtful ones.

For the last two years, my MIL has given me a very average bottle of wine that she stockpiles in her house. This year, she did also manage to get me a small plant for the garden. But then I opened the card, and it was the same Tesco one from last year, the most generic card that says 'vino' on it. Fine. I thanked her graciously. Then she texted me to inform me that the wine was also from her daughter and her daughter's partner (who is even colder and sucks joy even more profoundly). One £7.50 bottle of wine, split three-ways.

I'm trying to analyse why I'm upset. It's not the monetary value, it's that it's such a generic present, the kind you would buy a work colleague. And the fact she keeps giving me the same generic stock-piled card. It's the total lack of effort or consideration. And then to imply it's split three ways like all three of them considered it? It feels even more insulting.

Also, so much 'vino' - on the card and then the bottle of wine. It's almost implying I have a 'vino' problem? I don't btw.

Would you feel insulted? How do I stop feeling so pissed off about this?

I think presents just aren’t that important to their family. DH and I do not care about gifts at all but his family do. We just don’t value them, it’s not the same as not valuing the person. I echo match their energy advice, you’ll stop feeling like you put so much in and less resentful. Also when I had an ectopic I really would not have appreciated calls from people, I really really wanted to be left alone to mourn what I had just been celebrating. They may think that what people need is space. I’m really sorry about your miscarriage OP. I think you are just very different people. Try not to take it personally.

So just treat them the same, basic card basic bottle if wine no more making the effort.
Dont make effort for people who clearly don't make it for you family or not.
Just stop it's simple!!

Disagree with this.
Everyone has different expectations of presents and OP clearly has a different experience.
Neither is right or wrong.
Re the miscarriage, very upsetting time but again, there are huge variations in people's reactions or lack of.
Some people might consider receiving a text insensitive.
You seem overly critical OP
Please try and respect your differences for everyone's sake

I get that your disappointed, but honestly I think you're really being unreasonable saying you're upset. MIL and SIL are not going to change their game any time soon - so do yourself a favour: stop caring, stop expecting it to get better and accept it won't. Concentrate on your own family and stop worrying about the ILs and once you've accepted it and don't expect anything it'll get a lot easier.

My MIL has given me wine every Xmas for the last 22 years, usually I get nothing else (although I did once get an XS jumper, I am L) and another time I got some weird plastic wash bags. By the way - I don't even drink (never has and she knows it!) I just say thank you, that's lovely act pleased and it'd done. It actually makes me laugh that someone can be so incompetent. But I rarely see her, when we do meet we're pleasant, but that's it. I'm completely happy though, she never gets to me.

By the way I don't do presents for ILs - that DH's job. :)

Give a bottle of wine in future and if she drinks white make sure it’s red! I really wouldn’t bother with them from now on - just the bare minimum.

You’ve just got to let it go. My MIL was worse (she’s dead now) I didn’t even used to get a card or present. Then when my DD was born, she didn’t get anything either.

So I stopped buying her anything. I told DH it was up to him. And he didn’t bother either. I don’t think either of them cared.

so my advice is do the same. Stop buying for her and tell your DH he will be in charge of gifts for his side of the family from now on.

Why are you going overboard with gifts when they don’t care about them? It sounds like you’re doing it for you rather than them. Just let your DH do it next year.

Just accept that they are thoughtless and stop buying them gifts, let your husband sort it and just don’t let it occupy any more of your brain space.
they are rubbish but I voted YABU for allowing it to bother you repeatedly when you know exactly what they are like

Tell them your not doing presents for adults anymore. Not worth you getting upset

My MIL hints for expensive gifts ( one year she took my to mulberry to point out the Alexa bag) and then gave me a food product that was 13 years past its Best Before date. That’s when I also gave up and just let my husband buy her what he wants without any effort from me

They're not the best OP, but they're the ones you're stuck with, so the most sensible course of action is to accept that, lower your expectations and stop expecting cabbages to smell of roses. If your thoughtful gifts to them cause you resentment rather than pleasure, then dial them back to basics.

Match her energy of gift aka your DH does it from now on. Any complaints direct them to him.

I am more like your MIL as not particularly into presents (.receiving or giving ) and it's not usually how we show love in our family despite having huge amounts of love !
I have learnt though to make a much bigger effort for some though as it is really easy for others with a different upbringing and attitude to 'things' to equate it with how valued they are . I don't know the answer but it would help if your MIL and SIL both learnt this , that it is worth making more effort .
(on a positive note if they are like me they may well still think extremely highly of you and just not show it through birthdays )

They don't care about you. Match their energy. Stop making so much effort over there presents. Or better still, leave it to your husband to sort out.

I do feel for you OP as you probably long for a wonderful MIL and SIL. However... they will never be that.

You describe them as miserable and cold. So try your very best to not take it personally because it's not.

Lower your expectations of them as much as you can. Put a wall up. Sometimes it's necessary.

And should feel inclined, do choose the same wine for their birthdays. (OK bad advice, don't do that... unless you want to 😂)

Yes to this ^

Get your husband to sort their gifts. Wipe your hands of them.

Is there anything you like about her?

Completely agree. It’s not your job to do this, even more so if they don’t make the same effort for you.

The idea above is quite a good one actually of same bottle of wine , and say it's shared from x , y and z ! As it might actually make her realise it bothers you . I've actually learnt to be better at thoughtful presents to my friend who feels valued that way . We had a nice chat about it years ago and how meanwhile I don't particularly like getting stuff as end up with too many things ! Though funnily enough I do enjoy wine or edibles as they don't take up space !

I feel sorry for you OP.

You sound nice and thoughtful and I can see how wearing it is for you trying to maintain your energy and positivity while dealing with people like this.

i think it’s important you fight the impulse to let them drag you down and just accept that this is what they are like. Be grateful you are you and that you clearly have an inner sunshine that you usually carry around with you. Don’t lose your you ‘ness’ because you seem a lovely person.

I think you feel bad because you feel that in spite of your best efforts you mean very little to them and perhaps you do but that’s on them, they sound unbelievably miserable and unsociable.

Look on the bright side - you made me laugh describing your in laws, especially the joy sucking brother BIL! I don’t mean to be lighthearted btw, but I thought you described them very well indeed!

So when I lived in Jaoan we had a “gomiyagi” cupboard (gomi = rubbish; omiyagi = gift). These were all the crap gifts people gave that you could recycle by gifting onwards. Since culturally ig is ride to open a gift in front of thd giver, oftentimes the gifts could bd recycled IN THEIR ORIGINAL WRAPPING. Everone did it!

In my family, no one bothers with cards or presents for birthdays except mum to child and vice versa. Never had a gift or card from DHs side if the family. I don't think it's a reflection of how you are loved personally, and I say this as someone who's love language is gift giving and service. Christmas is another story, generic gifts with zero thought and I'd rather they didn't waste their money because they think they need to buy something for the sake if it. I'd worry more about your relationships and how they are than the gifts, as the gifts don't really mean much really.

It’s a bit generic and boring, but I think you need to better manage your expectations. My MIL has gotten me a Burt’s Bees gift set for probably 15 years. I don’t even like Burt’s Bees! Though I think last year I did get a Neal’s Yard one, but it was the mini selection, so like a hand cream, a soap and like a shampoo, all like 50ml size. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t particularly like Neal’s Yard either.

One year, it fell out the boot of the car while she was unloading the shopping and dh’s uncle ran the whole box over with his mobility scooter. So that year, I got a crushed Burt’s Bees gift set with actual tyre tracks on it. 😂

I have lowered my expectations now. It’s fine. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t ever have to buy her a present though because Dh does all that. I give the soaps and stuff to dd who does like them.

It never occurred to me to buy or expect any birthday presents from my husband's family. YABU.

Stop buying them thoughtful gifts. They don't appreciate them or reciprocate. Stop expecting anything better from them. Put it out of your mind and (kindly) get over it, it doesn't matter.