To be upset by MIL's birthday gift?

[Welshlady89]

I've been with my partner for seven years and we have a toddler together.

My MIL and SIL are not easy people. To phrase this kindly, they lack some social skills. To phrase this unkindly, they are cold and miserable people and conversing with them is like squeezing blood out of a stone.

To give you some additional backstory, my SIL (in her 40s) is so cold/strange that she didn't bother to acknowledge one of my miscarriages, even by text, until my partner told her to. By this point, I was in the hospital having the operation. She didn't think it was neccessary apparently.

Each year, I make a big effort with my MIL's gifts. I'm from a family that always acknowledge birthdays and occassions, and always make an effort to celebrate. It's not about lavish gifts but thoughtful ones.

For the last two years, my MIL has given me a very average bottle of wine that she stockpiles in her house. This year, she did also manage to get me a small plant for the garden. But then I opened the card, and it was the same Tesco one from last year, the most generic card that says 'vino' on it. Fine. I thanked her graciously. Then she texted me to inform me that the wine was also from her daughter and her daughter's partner (who is even colder and sucks joy even more profoundly). One £7.50 bottle of wine, split three-ways.

I'm trying to analyse why I'm upset. It's not the monetary value, it's that it's such a generic present, the kind you would buy a work colleague. And the fact she keeps giving me the same generic stock-piled card. It's the total lack of effort or consideration. And then to imply it's split three ways like all three of them considered it? It feels even more insulting.

Also, so much 'vino' - on the card and then the bottle of wine. It's almost implying I have a 'vino' problem? I don't btw.

Would you feel insulted? How do I stop feeling so pissed off about this?

Do they buy your DP nice gifts? Agree with others, stop buying nice gifts. If you find it hard not to then stay away from them around birthday time (eg don't go to a birthday meal, feign illness). Slowly wean yourself off it. I would also have DP speak to them about it and say he thinks it is shitty of them (ie his opinion not yours).

If it was me and my family were doing this to my partner they'd either get a massive bollocking if it's lack of effort, or if I felt it was genuinely just that they are crap at gifts then I'd sort them out - right, DW loves pink flowers, here's a bouquet I found online, order it - without telling you. You will know when you suddenly get a nice gift he helped them sort it, but it won't feel as bad as this lack of effort.

Buy the same card and wine for her next time.

I think you’re reading too much into things. I have a very normal and positive relationship with MIL and SIL.

SIL also didn’t acknowledge my miscarriage, and it’s only on reading this post that this has occurred to me. I didn’t realise family members were supposed to check in, it’s not like she could’ve done anything to help or make me feel better.

And I’m pretty sure I got the same birthday card from my MIL that I did last year. I don’t think it’s stockpiled, I think she just picked a relatively generic one I might like and just picked the same one twice.

Oh and SIL doesn’t even buy me a birthday present. MIL probably does spend closer to £20 on me, but it’s very much a token gift. Sometimes it totally misses the mark, but I say thanks and then donate it or bin it.

Absolutely. Match their energy is one of the best pieces of advice I ever got from Mumsnet. You will feel a lot better.

I get that you’re pissed off with the present situation - it shows total lack of effort.

But I disagree with the miscarriage situation. I’ve had a few and I wouldn’t want my SIL to text. Like you said, she is socially crap. Anything she would have put would have pissed me off. You don’t sound overly fond of them and that’s fine. I wouldn’t text my SIL in that situation, we just don’t have that sort of relationship.

Some people just can't be who you need them to be. I've known my friend for 50 years, for 50 years I've chosen her thoughtful, lovely, birthday and christmas gifts. She sends me shit she picks up in the charity shop, any old things seems to 'do'.

What presents does your DH get? I am assuming that they are not much more imaginative than yours.
Your in laws have had a lot of years being them, they will find it difficult to change now.

Print some cards that say In Vino Veritas, leave the inside blank, and you're good.

It wouldn’t bother me, I’m not into gifts and only ever buy small token ones and don’t mind if I do or don’t receive anything back. Some people place more importance on gifts, some don’t, it’s easy enough to op out of buying her anything and leave it to your DP.

My late MIL used to re-gift stuff given to her, to me...mainly things like Body Shop/M&S bath gift sets that were literally years out of date...and still had the original giver's gift tag on. If it wasn't that, it was poundshop crap.

She gave me a set of Royal Jelly bath products from M&S. I used to love that stuff, so I made the mistake of using the hand wash. Ended up with a rash on my hands that took weeks to go away. Did a search of the product serial number...it was a decade out of date. She was in her 60s, no cognitive problems...she was just very, very cheap. I would have much preferred to get nothing, I got sick of having to pretend to my husband that I liked her manky presents. She gave me a pair of primark slipper boots one Christmas...they were a size 6 (her size, so another fucking re-gift). I'm a size 8...I did lose my temper when my husband asked why I wasn't wearing them...'they are two sizes too fucking small!'

Reflect her energy back to her, just give her the same generic present.

Don't overthink it OP. Some people are just lazy, thoughtless, basic human beings. My own sister (with whom I have an ok relationship, and always receives a card & flowers from me every birthday) couldn't even be bothered to send me a card this year. I've accepted it's the way she is - lives in her own little bubble & can be quite selfish. I don't let it get to me. Let them get on with it & don't put yourself out anymore x

Honestly I’d try to not think about this too much to protect your peace. Some people are awful gift givers, it’s not their love language, and it’s just not something they’re good at. It’s not necessarily malicious in any way. My family included. I was shocked at the presents I got from my in laws, vastly different way of giving and doing things to what I was used to.

from what you say they also find conversation hard, so it’s understandable why your SIL didn’t acknowledge your mc. Sorry to hear this. For some people such conversation is very challenging and maybe she felt it better to not say anything than potentially mess it up. I adore my IL family but all comms re mc were done through my husband, no one contacted me directly. It felt appropriate at the time. It’s a tough situation for people to navigate, even for those who are good at talking.

As others have said, just match their energy. They don't put any effort in, so you don't either.
I spent years and years putting soo much effort into choosing and buying gifts for my SD, to get thoughtless, obviously last-minute crap back. After one memorably shit Christmas gift from her, which left her father furious, I just stopped.

I’d stop buying gifts altogether. it’s clearly not their thing.

This is a get out of jail free card for you, never again do you have to make any effort for any of them. Try and reframe it as a win, it’s not you it’s them.

I have voted YABU. Your expectations are too high for these individuals.

You have admitted that your MIL & SIL have poor social skills and are difficult to talk to. They sound like they are not capable of thoughtful gifts or have the emotional intelligence to 'read you'

If you don't want mediocre wine just say 'don't get me a present' or 'I would prefer a voucher' - make it as easy as possible for them as they are clearly shit at buying presents.

They won't get better

My Ex SIL brought round a bottle of blue nun for us all to enjoy on Xmas day - …between 11 of us..with a four course meal I felt insulted !! it wasn’t we needed it, but it’s not acknowledging the effort or expense you have put in for them. Some people are just rubbish at that sort of thing and just very thoughtless. step back and don’t put yourself out for them so much it’s really not you it’s them.

You’ve just got to let it go. My MIL once gave me a plain pair of black socks from a Primark 3 pack. It was intentional. Who cares, I simply thought what a great way to show the world what a bitch you are why not!

I don’t think that they are saying that you have a drinking problem. If they had lots of say chocolate boxes or candles then they’d gift you that.

You’re upset because it’s proof that they don’t care and perhaps on a certain level you thought that being thoughtful would win them over. You are upset because you spent more than the 5 seconds they spend on thinking about you.

Only way forward is to stop being so thoughtful towards them. Send MIL a generic gift or say that her gift from her son is also from you if you give separate gifts. Say that this generic gift is from your child too.

It’s hard to know if she’s like this with everyone or just with you. If it’s everyone then chances are she organises a gift because she has to rather than wants to in which case you should match that energy. Next event go for the box of chocs on offer at the supermarket or return her energy with a £7.50 bottle of wine. I know that it may be hard because that’s not your natural inclination but it will hopefully get easier with each obligation gift.

You say they have social issues-unless they're particularly different to you, I'd not bother about it. As for the Vino, a lot of shops seem to assume all men are mad about beer and women about wine-again, unless they've said something, I wouldn't bother. Were they both so cold about your miscarriage, or just SIL? Seems wrong to me, but giving the benefit of the doubt, could she have had one herself? While that's not an excuse, if she's internalised trauma, it could explain her not reaching out. And sadly there's a lot of people who dismiss miscarriage, even if the mother is really ill or left unable to have more children after. Not ok at all, but unless she's singling you out for different treatment, I'd just be distantly polite when you see them.

What's she like when it comes to other people's birthdays? If she's the same then that's just her and YABU. My family are big things like on choosing the card but I know people whose families don't bother with cards at all, and others who barely look at their cards.

Let your husband sort the gifts for his family and save your efforts for where they are appreciated.

I don't get any gifts from any in-laws. It does not bother me at all. My family will buy for my DH sometimes but it's not consistent. If they have not been big on gift giving in the 7 years you've been married maybe it's time to lower your expectations.

I don’t get all the excuses being made for SIL not saying anything re the MC. If you’re shit at empathy, you can literally google what to say. It’s what I once did for my then boyfriend’s mother whose father had died.

Don’t even bother. Give the exact same wine bottle back to her with the same card—let her know it is for her and her daughter and son in law to share.

You just have to see the funny side of things. Play birthday bingo - wine, shared gift, identical card is a full house.