To be upset by MIL's birthday gift?

[Welshlady89]

I've been with my partner for seven years and we have a toddler together.

My MIL and SIL are not easy people. To phrase this kindly, they lack some social skills. To phrase this unkindly, they are cold and miserable people and conversing with them is like squeezing blood out of a stone.

To give you some additional backstory, my SIL (in her 40s) is so cold/strange that she didn't bother to acknowledge one of my miscarriages, even by text, until my partner told her to. By this point, I was in the hospital having the operation. She didn't think it was neccessary apparently.

Each year, I make a big effort with my MIL's gifts. I'm from a family that always acknowledge birthdays and occassions, and always make an effort to celebrate. It's not about lavish gifts but thoughtful ones.

For the last two years, my MIL has given me a very average bottle of wine that she stockpiles in her house. This year, she did also manage to get me a small plant for the garden. But then I opened the card, and it was the same Tesco one from last year, the most generic card that says 'vino' on it. Fine. I thanked her graciously. Then she texted me to inform me that the wine was also from her daughter and her daughter's partner (who is even colder and sucks joy even more profoundly). One £7.50 bottle of wine, split three-ways.

I'm trying to analyse why I'm upset. It's not the monetary value, it's that it's such a generic present, the kind you would buy a work colleague. And the fact she keeps giving me the same generic stock-piled card. It's the total lack of effort or consideration. And then to imply it's split three ways like all three of them considered it? It feels even more insulting.

Also, so much 'vino' - on the card and then the bottle of wine. It's almost implying I have a 'vino' problem? I don't btw.

Would you feel insulted? How do I stop feeling so pissed off about this?

The more you laugh about it, the easier you will find things

It’s time to stop putting thought into gifts for people who can’t be arsed to spend any time at all thinking about yours. You’re kind, they aren’t.

Exactly this - match her energy with the present giving stop putting so much effort in, doesn't sound like it's appreciated anyway

I would stop buying for them and tell your partner to sort them going forward and I would tell them to stop buying for you

What sort of thoughtful gifts are you getting them and are they in keeping with their lives?

I have someone who because I write for a living buys me lovely notebooks. But I don't use them. If I'm taking notes in shorthand I need spiral bound from the top to turn the pages. Not pretty hardback books. They gather dust until I donate to charity as stationary does nothing for me.

Similarly I get gems to match my birthday or scented candles to match my cushions. They give me a headache, I don't light them.

They are thoughtful but not in any way me. I wonder if you are just different and gifts show this up?

I'm not overly bothered for stuff. I don't really need anything and a bar of chocolate is fine.

Some people love cards but they really do nothing for me.

You may be over estimating your gifts to the same extent you are underwhelmed by theirs.

Thanks for all your messages. Some made me really laugh. To the woman who suggested printing In Vino Veritas cards - I did a quick google and there are some available already. It would send my MIL into a tailspin because she thinks it's extremely unpatriotic of me that I chose to study Latin at school instead of Welsh.

To give you some more context about the SIL and the MC. I've had three (in a row) and my MIL told the SIL about each and she acknowledged the first two with a text. She didn't feel she needed to bother with the third. Which I think is seriously lacking in empathy. She has since had a MC, so now she knows how awful it feels.

When I was finally pregnant after all these MC (and after recieving treatment every month to keep the baby), we all went out for a birthday meal for the MIL. I was about 14 weeks pregnant. They'd known I was pregnant since I was 5 weeks (everyone knew because I was back and forth for the treatment). I brought along the scan photos to show them. Neither of them mentioned the fact I was pregnant, or asked how I was feeling. I sat through the entire meal with the scan photos in my bag. My partner was livid and messaged them both on my behalf afterwards.

He will confront them in this situation but for shit birthday presents I don't think he thinks it's worth doing anything about. She is equally shit with his present (once, at Christmas, she aggresively shoved a jar of honey at him and said 'well there we go!'). That's her own son.

She is just not a pleasant woman in general and, as I said in my OP, her and the SIL are completely joyless.

Yes, exactly. It makes no sense. I get cheap Boots toiletries sets annually from MIL, but it doesn’t bother me in the least, and DH deals with presents for his family.

Why then are you expending so much time, thought and emotional energy upon them?

I have to see MIL every week.

So what, though? I see my MIL weekly, too, plus I’m quite fond of her, but she’s DH’s mother, not mine. He does presents, arranges stuff etc with his family, I with mine.

Why?

You don't have to see her. Or as DifficultEggs says, see her but don't get her presents or cards anymore.

You say MIL and SIL are joyless but they seem to be getting on with their lives whereas you seem to waiting for crumbs of approval from them. Why are you so tied to them?

This is who they are and they won’t change. Lower your expectations and stop making so much effort when it’s not reciprocated. By the sounds of it they probably won’t notice the difference. The only person feeling crappy in this situation is you, so stop doing that to yourself. You can’t control their behaviour but you can protect yourself from it.

Why? Who says?

I kind of agree op about the miscarriage.

My SIL had several and got upset if anyone did mention it so I think that’s a tricky one to know.

And gifts are just not some people’s thing. It sounds to me more as though they know you drink wine so see it as “safe” rather than implying you are alcoholic. Sometimes people aren’t good at knowing how to choose. I do realise it’s nice if they make an effort to learn but I don’t think any of this is personal or targeted.

You and they are very different people. You're obviously not ever going to be close. They seem to have accepted that, but you don't want to. I get that, I'd be the same as you.

From their perspective, could they both perhaps be thinking 'why on earth does she keep lavishing extravagant gifts on us? Is she trying show she's better than us? We're not gifting people, and find it difficult to get the vibe right. We feel inadequate and ashamed. We don't speak much because we don't know how to talk to her.'

Now I can tell from the way you write that none of that is true. But could they maybe see things differently to you? Are they introverts? Do they maybe feel you possibly look down on them?

Put the gifting to the back of your mind. Leave all that to DH. Concentrate on your DH and DC, prioritise their happiness (and your own). Let others who aren't outwardly caring or emotional deal with things in their own way. Don't give them any more of your headspace.

And I'm sorry about your miscarriages. That must still be very hard for you.

Im crap at doing or giving gifts im so pleased my family and friends are not in to it receiving or giving.
As some have said there are people out there that are just shit at it im one of them.

Agree, you also think it’s about you and it’s not it’s about them and how they view the world. It’s not your issue if they don’t like you they are just two random people to you really. Do you like you? That’s all that matters .

But stop martyring yourself , don’t get them a present match their energy.

Better than what mine got me this year which was nothing 😂

i agree

Who cares just do same back.
Not sure how old she is but when she’s a certain age send her a card with the next decade age bracket. That will p… her off but off course it was a genuine mistake on your part 🤣🤣
Dont worry be happy.

You need to lower your expectations. They sound unpleasant and uncaring. Don’t let them get to you and I would maybe just send a card to them for their next birthday.

*My MIL and SIL are not easy people. To phrase this kindly, they lack some social skills. To phrase this unkindly, they are cold and miserable people and conversing with them is like squeezing blood out of a stone.

She is just not a pleasant woman in general and, as I said in my OP, her and the SIL are completely joyless.*

These descriptions beg the question of why you expect anything more from them?

In fact, given your obvious dislike of them and the lack of any friendly relationship, the weird behaviour is you still going all out for their gifts. That's not actually a sincere gesture - you don't put thought into their gifts because you like them as people, you do it for the sake of conformity ("that's just what you do").

They are who they are. You don't have to like them and they don't have to like you. Stop putting so much thought into their gifts when you don't even like them. I don't know why you feel you have to see them every week but I'd be drawing back on that too.

Just out of curiosity do you know what your SIL get from her mother for her birthday?

Do you really? Or could you let DH visit his family alone? You clearly don’t like them so stop making an effort. They’re not obliged to like or care about you because their son/sibling married you, they didn’t marry you did they!