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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for some support? DP disappeared and worried about an accident

326 replies

Ubadl · 09/06/2025 07:47

DP does a weekly 4-5 hour drive each Friday and Sunday as he’s currently on a placement several hours away. He stayed a bit late last night as he wanted to chat to DS as he went to bed and then he set off at 9pm.

His battery had died before he left and he said he may not be able to charge in the car because of a dodgy connection. However he has work at 8am and is usually absolutely obsessed with being on time for work and I’ve not heard a thing. He always messages when he’s at hotel.

ive been googling accidents and having dark thoughts and just looking for a hand hold. Surely by now he’d have battery?!

OP posts:
Blackdow · 09/06/2025 08:20

Doggymummar · 09/06/2025 08:13

Does his car not have a usb port so he could have charged it whilst driving?

She said the phone doesn’t always charge due to poor connection and he needs a new one; the charger in port on his phone doesn’t work properly. I’m guessing he needs to have it lying down at a certain angle for the cable to stay in and charge the phone, so it won’t sit properly in the car and the connection won’t stay still and won’t charge.

Bobnobob · 09/06/2025 08:28

Does he have a laptop for work? Could you email him? Have you checked if he’s been online on his social media if he has it?

im not sure a hotel would be allowed to let you know if he has arrived but might be worth a phone call?

Lilactimes · 09/06/2025 08:45

Dear @Ubadl

I understand you must be worried but please try not to worry too much.

He may have pulled over to sleep / I’ve done this a few times.
if he’s had an accident the police would have found his wallet/ car registration and tracked through DVLA and come to your address to notify you.

It’s much more likely a catalogue of battery nightmares - maybe he’s in a hard shoulder and has no phone, or he may now be heading to work and just doesn’t have time because his phone isn’t charged.

Try and stay calm and give him a bit longer. Can you call his work mainline and ask to speak to him or his manager - he may have contacted his manager to say he’s late or held up and prioritised that as he didn’t think you would be worried as yet.

lots of love - it will be ok xxx

Original poster
Ubadl · 09/06/2025 08:48

His car isn’t registered to this address as we literally just moved about three weeks ago and it is still registered to his properly he is about to rent out! So they wouldn’t know how to trace me I don’t think?

Also I am not even sure I am his next of kin, it’s never been something we’ve discussed. His family who are left are both in care homes too, they are not mentally well/dementia. I could call the call company but it’s a separate on site contractor role and i would likely have to force my way through to get to the right place. I have just sent him a really angry message and now feel awful sending it. I just can’t believe he wouldn’t even email me!!! Surely that’s the simplest thing? He has a laptop for work which is always with him. His phone is still going to voicemail.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ubadl · 09/06/2025 08:50

Bobnobob · 09/06/2025 08:28

Does he have a laptop for work? Could you email him? Have you checked if he’s been online on his social media if he has it?

im not sure a hotel would be allowed to let you know if he has arrived but might be worth a phone call?

@Bobnobob he doesn’t have social media. I have sent an email but no response yet. It is just really unlike him. His phone is rubbish at charging but he needs it for work so he always ensures it is charged at least when he’s at the hotel if it’s not charged in the car

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 09/06/2025 08:50

He probably hasn't even thought that you are worried.

Would the hotel not tell you whether he has checked in?

My phone will allow 'find my phone' even if it is turned off, could you try that?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/06/2025 08:51

You need to ring his work and find out whether he made it there or not.

And once all this is over, you really need to look at wills and making sure you’re his next of kin etc. in case something were to happen. As a partner with no legal rights you’re incredibly vulnerable.

Original poster
Ubadl · 09/06/2025 08:53

Barrenfieldoffucks · 09/06/2025 08:50

He probably hasn't even thought that you are worried.

Would the hotel not tell you whether he has checked in?

My phone will allow 'find my phone' even if it is turned off, could you try that?

@Barrenfieldoffucks he will know I am worried as every week he lets me know he is back as it’s such a long drive. Not sure about find my phone as I’m not massively tech savvy!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ubadl · 09/06/2025 08:54

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/06/2025 08:51

You need to ring his work and find out whether he made it there or not.

And once all this is over, you really need to look at wills and making sure you’re his next of kin etc. in case something were to happen. As a partner with no legal rights you’re incredibly vulnerable.

@tumblingdowntherabbithole what do you mean, vulnerable how?

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 09/06/2025 08:57

Most probably he's charging the phone right now at work and you'll hear when he's got the use of it again. Give it a bit longer

It does throw up a few things for him/you to get done:

  • change his address to yours
  • sort out wills and other planning
  • get a new charger! (How hard or expensive is this? Do it today)
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/06/2025 08:57

Ubadl · 09/06/2025 08:54

@tumblingdowntherabbithole what do you mean, vulnerable how?

Show quote history

Well, if you’re not his next of kin, you can’t make any decisions about any healthcare, end of life decisions or, heaven forbid, his funeral. You also won’t have access to any of his finances or accounts, or his pension unless he’s deliberately set you up as a beneficiary.

I know it sounds morbid but you really do need to be on top of these things. As it stands if he dies or becomes unwell, you are nothing to him (in a legal sense) and could end up being totally screwed over.

Please, please do some research and make sure you protect yourself.

FatherFrosty · 09/06/2025 08:58

Ubadl · 09/06/2025 08:54

@tumblingdowntherabbithole what do you mean, vulnerable how?

Show quote history

firstly, I’m sure it’s just his phone and you’ll hear soon Flowers

God forbid, Inheriting anything, or just being the one allowed to make any decisions with care etc.
if you own a house (assuming he has life insurance) his half wouldn’t necessarily go to you.

I have known people be kicked out of homes they’ve lived in for years with their partner, paid half towards bills but never married or put on the mortgage.
it’s a precarious position

TorroFerney · 09/06/2025 08:59

You can’t get the hotel to tell you anything but they can give him a message that you have phoned.

DurinsBane · 09/06/2025 09:00

Hope he contacts you soon! But try not to worry (though I know that is easy to say)

AyeDeadOn · 09/06/2025 09:00

If his phone is messing about then perhaps it just won't charge. It's going to happen at some point and it's entirely possible it's happened now. Would he know your phone number to call from a landline if he couldn't turn his phone on?

SengaNaLenga · 09/06/2025 09:02

If he's on placement somewhere, can you look up the phone number for where he's on placement and ring them?

Scuttlecuttle · 09/06/2025 09:03

I think @tumblingdowntherabbithole is suggesting you explore whether to get a lasting power of attorney. If you share any finances or bills where they are in either of your names, even if you are married you cannot just access that without a formal lasting power of attorney. There is a financial one and a health and welfare one. Even married people should do them. It costs about £80 for each one and you can do it yourself at home no solicitor needed

KaleQueen · 09/06/2025 09:06

I wonder if he’s forgotten to take his charger? Don’t panic just yet.

whynotmereally · 09/06/2025 09:06

I’d ring his place of work he should be there by now.

Gyozas · 09/06/2025 09:08

Ubadl · 09/06/2025 08:54

@tumblingdowntherabbithole what do you mean, vulnerable how?

Show quote history

Well, in the sense that you won’t be told anything and have no say in anything in the event of anything happening to him. The only people with any access will be his infirm parents who have dementia. Also you won’t have any financial control.

AntiHop · 09/06/2025 09:09

Handhold here op. Have you called his workplace now? I understand why you're worried.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/06/2025 09:09

Scuttlecuttle · 09/06/2025 09:03

I think @tumblingdowntherabbithole is suggesting you explore whether to get a lasting power of attorney. If you share any finances or bills where they are in either of your names, even if you are married you cannot just access that without a formal lasting power of attorney. There is a financial one and a health and welfare one. Even married people should do them. It costs about £80 for each one and you can do it yourself at home no solicitor needed

Yes - too many people leave themselves vulnerable and it’s only when the shit hits the fan that they realise it - and then it’s too late.

A friend of mine lost her partner very young and the only reason she didn’t end up homeless with a toddler was because his parents let her stay in the property while she sorted herself out.

Slippingthroughthenet · 09/06/2025 09:12

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/06/2025 08:57

Well, if you’re not his next of kin, you can’t make any decisions about any healthcare, end of life decisions or, heaven forbid, his funeral. You also won’t have access to any of his finances or accounts, or his pension unless he’s deliberately set you up as a beneficiary.

I know it sounds morbid but you really do need to be on top of these things. As it stands if he dies or becomes unwell, you are nothing to him (in a legal sense) and could end up being totally screwed over.

Please, please do some research and make sure you protect yourself.

Show quote history

This has really highlighted some things that you need to deal with. I’m sure he’ll contact you soon.

Original poster
Ubadl · 09/06/2025 09:12

PullTheBricksDown · 09/06/2025 08:57

Most probably he's charging the phone right now at work and you'll hear when he's got the use of it again. Give it a bit longer

It does throw up a few things for him/you to get done:

  • change his address to yours
  • sort out wills and other planning
  • get a new charger! (How hard or expensive is this? Do it today)

@PullTheBricksDown thanks. It’s his internal phone connection rather than the chargers so he needs a new phone really

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 09/06/2025 09:14

I’d be ringing his work. I’d be worried too in your situation.