To think there’s a real crisis in men being able to express how they truly feel about life and society?

[TheGentleSwan]

It feels like, in the West, men are struggling to be honest about their emotions, their frustrations, and how they view the world. Whether it’s societal pressure, fear of judgement, or just a lack of spaces to talk openly, it seems like many men keep things bottled up. AIBU to think this is a real issue?

This is the most depressing thread I’ve ever read on MN.

AIBU to think this is a real issue?

Whether or not it is a real issue, I think you will be hard pressed to find women who don't give zero fucks.

We could go back to arranged marriages like the majority of the world.
That way every lonely man gets a wife.

I have two young adult sons.
And I fully agree with you @TheGentleSwan

The oldest in particular is very aware of the MH issues men face. And also very aware that, unlike women, they have no one to talk to. Because men dint generally talk about their feelings with each other. I think theyre much more isolated than women in that respect.
It’s not something that is ever modelled to them (incl by their father). I’m finding they dint have the words either. Or the tools.

What would be helpful is some good role model. Men, that are recognised, talking about emotions. Their emotions. Some sort of counterbalance to the A Tate crap. And a change in the (patriarchal) society that says men need to be strong, dint cry etc… (which btw Akso starts at home by not telling little boys that ‘boys dint cry’… somethimg you can still hear).
Wont be easy.
And it needs to come from men themselves.

When you say 'something is happening' OP, what do you mean? Because if there's movement at all in men's freedom to express emotion and not bottle things up, it in a positive direction compared with previous decades and generations. So what do you think is happening that's making life more difficult for men?

For years men ridiculed women that were alone through choice or not and told them they'd wind up as crazy cat ladies. Traditionally, stay at home mums and housewives have lived often extremely isolating lives. Now there is a 'male loneliness epidemic' but instead of looking to form community with eachother and learning to be emotionally available they want women to solve it. It's a male horniness epidemic. (Yes I know, not all men, but I refuse to ignore patterns when I recognise them)

I get how it might seem a bit circular. What sparked it was just a pattern I’ve noticed… a lot of noise online about men but very little genuine emotional reflection from men, especially in everyday spaces.

I’m not saying it’s women’s responsibility to fix it and I agree that a lot of emotional labour already falls unfairly on women. My point was more that if we shut down every conversation about men’s emotional struggles with “that’s their problem”, it creates a vacuum where no one feels able to speak up.

So what I’m trying to open up is… what would it look like if we actually made space - culturally and socially - for men to reflect on their inner lives without it being dismissed as either weakness or manipulation? I don’t have a neat solution but I do think it starts with shifting the tone of the conversation itself.

First message gets it completely right!

YANBU—it’s a real issue, and a feminist one. Traditional masculinity tells men to bottle up emotions and avoid vulnerability, which leaves them isolated and emotionally stuck. Feminism challenges those roles—not just for women’s sake, but so men can show up fully human too. We all benefit from breaking that cycle.

I do hold a belief that the main root of most mental health issues is very low self esteem.

The issue is, when women have low self esteem we tend towards people pleasing
When men have low self esteem they tend towards violence

There’s the problem.

I am not saying for one minute that low self esteem is always caused by your parents. But I’m happy in the knowledge that I’m trying to raise my son to be happy with himself, express himself when he needs to and has a very present father and male role model

What makes you think that space doesn't exist? What space is it that is made for women that men can't access?

The issue is mens willingness to talk or connect. I appreciate this is a way that the patriarchy damages men, the patriarchy is hurting us all, but woman really can't fix this.

The idea some men have that the male loneliness epidemic is because woman won't make addition space to be men's unpaid therapists misses the point. Men need to foster relationships with each other, and respectful relationships with women.

Yes - I really appreciate this. You’ve put your finger on something that often gets missed… the framing issue. We focus so much on how men express (or don’t express) their emotions we sometimes skip over why they’re struggling in the first place.

The loss of rootedness - in relationships, work, purpose - is massive and when men voice that loss clumsily or through anger, it gets written off or ridiculed. But you’re right… if people feel they have no meaningful place in society, that’s not just an individual crisis - it’s a collective one. Creating space for honest reflection on that - without defaulting to either mockery or martyrdom - feels like an important step.

Just spend five minutes on twitter/X and it will completely shatter any illusions you might have of men not expressing themselves or being unable to express themselves.

If you want some extra fun, try typing keywords into the search bar to bring up posts such as “childfree women”, “declining birth rate”, “women+divorce”, “women+degrees/education”, “women+work/career”, “women+dating” “women+fat” or “feminism” You will find literally hundreds and thousands of male comments saying the most appalling things about women. And appalling would be a completely generous term.

No, I think they do express their emotions. They just don't do it in the same way that many or most women do. We tend to forget that things like anger and frustration are emotions. It is often said that women are far more emotional than men, but you only have to watch a football match (both players and spectators) to know that isn't true. Men express their anger in real life and online. A lot.

Superbly put. They could try listening and being nice to each other. Women didn't cause this problem.

I think, going by the numbers of people suffering mental health issues, we could say that both young men's and women's suffering is at the crisis level. There's a lot of bitterness between the sexes, in both directions. It's sad. I don't know if men really are struggling to find their place now with a feeling of not being so useful as their fathers and grandfathers in previous generations. I don't know but I can see what you mean OP. It doesn't mean young women aren't also struggling but it is possible to agree with you about men.

The point is, OP, that you keep glazing over is that men DO have space. They're not short on space to discuss whatever they choose to.

If they're not choosing to utilise that space to discuss their emotions and issues, what precisely do you want or expect anyone (on here or anywhere else) to do about it?

It's so odd posting this on a women's forum and then trying to shuffle backwards and claim that you weren't putting this issue on women to solve when that, is very clearly, what you're trying to do.

If men aren't using the vast swathes of space that they have to discuss these issues in a productive and insightful manner, that is their choice. I'm not losing sleep over it or going to break my back to figure out how to force them to do what they clearly don't want to do.

But men could be doing that now. It's not up to me to shift, move over or make space for men.

You’re right that there’s been progress over the generations, especially around therapy, mental health awareness and permission to feel. But I think the something happening is more layered. Yes, emotional openness is more accepted now but at the same time, life has become more precarious in other ways… less job security, eroded community structures and shifting social norms.

So men might technically be allowed to open up but many still don’t feel equipped to or don’t know where to take those feelings. The result is a kind of in-between space… more permission but not necessarily more support or grounding. That mismatch, between what’s expected emotionally and what’s actually available structurally or socially, is part of what I meant.

Exactly. Men are just as if not more emotional than women. People think of emotional meaning sadness or crying when anger and aggression are emotions too. Not to mention we’ve just this week seen two of the most powerful men at the world have a complete back-and-forth emotional meltdown and ugly fight with each other publicly online. If it was two female prominent figures engaging in the same thing, they would be labelled emotional, unstable, hysterical etc.

But how do we create this space OP?
Im sure many women on here have experiences of trying to get a man (or men) in their lives to open up and talk but get dismissed for it. I’d often only be able to get an ex to open up AFTER a big emotional outburst of some description. If I tried to calm or reassure or talk through while he was angry I would just get shouted out that I “dont get it”

And this isn’t just an experience with one man. This is nearly every grown man I have met - albeit in different ways. I’m sick to the back teeth of being patient, caring, encouraging and constantly STILL being on the receiving end of their shit. And never getting support in return. I’ve often put so much energy in to trying to make a partner feel loved and happy that I’ve had none left for myself. And even then they don’t appreciate it, I still end up being an emotional punch bag and it fixes nothing. I’m now single. And happier.

I'm aware my opinion is unpopular but I agree to some extent with you. The issue is the patriarchy and that gets lost a lot men are by far the largest group to uphold the patriarchy but as a Black women I've seen white women want to uphold the patriarchy because it's beneficial to them sometimes.

The patriarchy is the reason men can't express their vulnerability and to a large degree it's on men to create their own spaces to allow for grief, tears and sadness.

However, the way we socialise children which lets be honest women play a larger role in (which I disagree with but I digress) the way we socialise children is different according to their gender and various studies have shown this, even teachers at school the boys get given the heavy duty jobs like collecting the rubbish, the girls are called 'love' 'pet' etc we encourage girls to play 'families' we don't encourage boys to 'gossip' or 'play families' it starts early in giving girls the tools to be able to hold space and talk about their emotions in a healthy way but it's not a skill that gets emphasised with boys.

I actually agree with a lot of this - especially that men need to foster deeper relationships with each other and that’s it’s not on women to be emotional caretakers. I’ve tried to be clear throughout that this isn’t a call for women to fix men.

But to your question… I don’t think it’s that emotional space for men literally doesn’t exist - it’s more that even when the space is there, it’s not always emotionally safe or culturally supported. Men who do open up can still be met with ridicule, suspicion or be told to “man up” - often by other men, yes but sometimes also in the way wider society treats vulnerability.

And when I said what would it look like to make space, I didn’t mean unpaid therapy from women. I meant cultural permission - a shift in how we view men being emotionally honest at all.

So I completely agree this needs to come from men, for men. But I also think naming the issue and shifting the tone of how we discuss it is a worthwhile part of the process, not a demand for emotional labour from anyone.

I think you’re misunderstanding the intention behind my post. I’m not saying women should fix this or break their backs for anyone, I’m reflecting on a cultural pattern I’ve noticed, where emotional expression in men is still often met with mockery, suspicion, or dismissal, even when space technically exists.

You’re right that men have to take ownership of their emotional growth. But if we act like there’s nothing to talk about just because the ‘space’ exists, we miss a bigger issue… why some men don’t feel able to use it meaningfully.

This isn’t about asking women to take it on… it’s about being honest that the tone of the conversation around male vulnerability often makes reflection feel unsafe or pointless. That doesn’t mean women are to blame. It means the conversation deserves more nuance than ‘they’ve got space, end of.’

You go on and on abour how men cant express themselves emotionally. Yes, they are. By assaulting, killing, and raping women.. Anger is an emotion.
When men stop being responsible for 95% of sexual crimes, I will worry about their vulnerability.
It's women who are deeply vulnerable.