To think there’s a real crisis in men being able to express how they truly feel about life and society?

[TheGentleSwan]

It feels like, in the West, men are struggling to be honest about their emotions, their frustrations, and how they view the world. Whether it’s societal pressure, fear of judgement, or just a lack of spaces to talk openly, it seems like many men keep things bottled up. AIBU to think this is a real issue?

This in spades.

God yes, men have too much say on everything

My attitude is that I'm far more concerned about the issues women face than the 'issues' men face.

When men start giving a shit about us then I may start giving a shit about them.

You can't watch a lot of films or TV if you haven't seen anything that doesn't portray men as big and strong and into cars and sports etc.

Your idea of women changing and men being great all of a sudden is a reach.

If misogyny disappeared tomorrow there would be no 'misandry'.

If 'misandry' disappeared tomorrow there would 100% still be misogyny.

They created the actions, and are now complaining because they have a reaction.

OP, remind me why we care.

I am really baffled as to what spaces women have that men don't. Any man.

Very good points. Men are socialised to portray ourselves as capable and to not show weakness. The only emotions we're supposed to show are happiness or anger. The majority of that socialisation pressure comes from other boys and men.

We're not supposed to be weak, or need help. It's a big hurdle to overcome when you do need help as if you're already struggling, seeking help can seem like an even bigger failure.

To be fair there are a number of male-led efforts to get men to open up. Andy's Man Club, the Men's Sheds association etc. The bugger of it is though is that the kind of men who are likely to walk through the doors of those kinds of places probably aren't the kind of men who'd benefit the most. Things are better than they used to be but it's a slow process.

"Your idea of women changing and men being great all of a sudden is a reach."

It is a reach but then I didn't say it.

"You can't watch a lot of films or TV if you haven't seen anything that doesn't portray men as big and strong and into cars and sports etc."

It was a generalisation, which you seem to be allowed to do in spades.

But as this isn't going to go anywhere,

It never does.

I will leave you all to it.
Be well and be happy

I agree, a big part of this is a conversation men need to have with each other. But just to clarify… I didn’t say it’s women’s job to fix it and I’m definitely not handing over responsibility. What I am pointing out is that there’s a broader cultural pattern that affects everyone. If we only ever frame men’s emotional struggles as either their fault or someone else’s problem, nothing really moves forward.

And yes, I posted here knowing it’s a female-heavy forum because this space does often hold nuanced conversations and because like it or not, a lot of us are impacted by the emotional shutdown of men around us (as partners, friends, parents, colleagues). That doesn’t mean we fix it for them but pretending it’s irrelevant to us doesn’t hold up either.

The broader cultural pattern that affects every bloody woman on earth is male violence.
Not men being afraid to express their feelings.

💯

@TheGentleSwan you mentioned "lack of real emotional tools or community".

I don't know what you mean in terms of emotional tools or what you expect anyone to do about it. It's my understanding that schools and colleges do talk about male emotions but obviously I don't go to a school or college so I can't be 100% sure.

Other than that, I don't know what you expect. I'm puzzled to see this topic here. There are definitely male centric forums where you would get more relevant feedback about what men may or may not need. Posting it here feels like you're presenting it as a problem for women to fix. Guess what? We've got enough on our plate. Particularly with things like getting the law to take it seriously when women are victims of crime. And Jury are told that they consented. - see "we can't consent to this"'online.

I don't see this, what you've posted here, as being a woman's issue to be frank. I'm actually not even sure if it is an issue.

You mention lack of community. That is affecting a lot of people, women and men.

I've long suffered with mental health issues and I do try and approach from a position of sympathy. However, I don't think men would be terribly responsive to something on a group Level unless it was started by men anyway.

There are men's sheds in many areas.

in general, we do seem to have a lot of threads where posters feel vaguely that "something must be done". So why they don't go out and do it rather than posting about it, I really don't know. A PP has mentioned that new dads might need more support. Honestly, where is all this magic support supposed to come from?

If you use MN as a basis, there aren't any groups or individuals left that don't need support! It's kind of nuts.

Are women treated less compassionately than men in a mental health context? I find that incredibly hard to believe. If anything, I think that women are given more of a pass for erratic behaviour and have downright bad behaviour handwaved because of their mental health. A great example of this is Katie Price: a lot of people seem to feel that she is beyond criticism for her disgusting behaviour because she has mental issues.

Nope. Absolutely not. They have zero trouble approaching women in a threatening manner , waggling their fingers in our faces, calling us cunts for daring to challenge them in heated situations. And yes, this has happened to me at least 3 times in the last 2 years

I think it’s very interesting that men being unable to talk about their feelings is viewed as a crisis in a way that the commoness of women being SA and abused but these crimes being drastically under reported is not.

And it really makes me not interested in helping men who have ignored problems that are mainly suffered by women for years.

Men have plenty of space to talk, and boy, do they enjoy making use of it.

You can barely move online without bumping into some man with a microphone, wittering on about the so-called male loneliness epidemic or men's mental health.

And they never have anything worthwhile to say or anything with insight as to why that is. They never internalise why they specifically have these issues and how they can go about fixing them. It always seems to boil down to an excuse to blame women or expect women to swoop in and save the day for these so-called leaders and "problem-solvers."

It's just an opportunity to bleat and moan, bleat and moan. If these men were offering real insight, I'd be more interested in hearing them out, but as it is, it just seems an opportunity for men to feel sorry for themselves and never figure out any worthwhile solutions beyond "but the women's should help us." Nah, fuck that.

I have no issue with listening and talking to the men in my life if they have issues. Not at all.

It's not women who uphold the "big boy's don't cry" or "man up" mantras, either. It's men. Women, for the most part, welcome vulnerability from men. What we don't welcome is those men using that vulnerability to manipulate compliance from women.

If men are genuinely having these issues on a large, societal scale, it's for men to get their heads together and problem solve. After all, I thought that was men's strong suit? Aren't they the natural born leaders in society? So, this should be a piece of cake, piece of pie.

I hear you and I absolutely agree that women are already carrying more than their share when it comes to emotional labour and societal change. I didn’t post this to hand over responsibility or suggest it’s women’s job to fix. My point is more observational… that there is something happening around male emotional expression and it’s worth naming.

When I mentioned emotional tools and community, I meant things like learning how to recognise, name and process feelings in ways that aren’t just anger or withdrawal. Not everyone picks that up naturally and not everyone gets it modelled at home. Schools might touch on it now but many adults missed that altogether growing up.

As for posting this here… sometimes threads aren’t about assigning tasks, they’re about thinking out loud and seeing what conversation it sparks. I value hearing other perspectives, even if they challenge mine. That’s all this was meant to be - not a call for women to carry one more thing but a reflection on something I think is real and increasingly visible.

i think all are struggling with mental health … lack of community in the west

I have a son, and I dont think this problem is real. I also have a daughter.
I know which one has a harder life.

Emotional tools and community? I think many women dont have that.

I think we can hold two things at once. Yes, some men use vulnerability manipulatively or as a tool to centre themselves while avoiding accountability. And yes, there’s a broader cultural discomfort around men expressing softness, uncertainty, grief, not just anger or bravado. That discomfort often comes from other men but it shapes everyone.

The point of my post wasn’t to hand women a job or excuse bad behaviour. It was to say… if men are genuinely struggling to connect, reflect, or be real about how they feel - not in podcast soundbites but in actual, human moments - then that’s worth noticing. What they do with that is on them. But pretending the problem doesn’t exist become some men exploit it doesn’t help the ones who are actually trying.

Yeah, no one ever listens to men.

Yes, I agree that girls and women face a huge number of challenges and often without enough support or recognition. That’s very real. But I don’t think it has to be either/or. Saying that some boys grow up without the tools to process or express emotion isn’t denying the pressures girls face - it’s just naming something different that also deserves attention.

And yes, many women also lack community, or emotional resources, absolutely. But culturally, we’ve made a bit more space for women to express vulnerability or seek support without being ridiculed. For boys, the message is still often to suppress or distract from those feelings and over time, that can lead to serious consequences. We all benefit when emotional resilience and connection are seen as human needs, not gendered ones.

Boys need dads and dads need to pay for their children. Children who grow up in poverty have fewer opportunities and male role models are essential.

There's no longer stigma associated with abandoning your children or paying for them. We also have a VAWAG crisis created by men.

Boys who grow up in abusive households don't learn emotional regulation and suffer from trauma. They aren't safe to express themselves.

They're not safe outside the home either. Men are more likely to be attacked by other men and men who don't conform can suffer the consequences.

Men really do have the power in society to sort this out themselves. If they want change, they can create it. They aren’t exactly marginalised.

I can't work out OP why you started this or where you want it to go? Has something happened that sparked this as an issue for you?

You say you don't think it's women's responsibility but you also say 'If we only ever frame men’s emotional struggles as either their fault or someone else’s problem, nothing really moves forward.'

So how are you suggesting things should move forward? I feel like you're talking round in circles a little.

I think this is an important issue but the framing of it in public debate is often not quite right.

It's usually something like "why aren't men talking about their feelings/crying in public/opening up in group conversations about emotions" or something. "How can we destigmatise going to therapy for men's mental health".

Where the core issue is seen as the men won't talk about their problems, not the problems themselves.

We clearly know what the problems are because we're mocking them in this thread - "loser incels ranting about DEI holding them back" - but hang on, most men find deep purpose and stability through having a steady job and wife/family - why shouldn't we be interested in why they aren't able to form those roots in society anymore? Why shouldn't we be concerned for our society if that's happening at scale?

90% of mental health is having a rich, rooted life where you have a place and a purpose. Men are saying they don't have that. And we're mocking them...