DH has upset our eldest following their relationship break up

[HanTalks]

Our eldest DS has been in a relationship for the past two years, which ended suddenly this week. I am not overly clear on the details and am trying not to ask him too much at the moment.

DH never liked his girlfriend (not that our DS knew this), and found her hard work in terms of her being a bit quiet (possibly shy) and not someone who made a great deal of conversation when at ours for meals etc.

Anyway, at the dinner table last night DS was quiet and gave a blunt answer to a question I asked him about his day.

DH then said to him ‘cheer up son, you’ll be better off without the stuck up cow’ and suggested he goes out with his mates to find a ‘local tart’ to cheer him up.

DS walked off from the table and has refused to speak to DH since.

DH is refusing to apologise and said he needs tough love at his age now. I’ve told DH he was out of order and should have been more sensitive especially given we don’t know the full circumstances.

AIBU for disagreeing with my DH here?

Nice example to set to a young man!
He needs to sort himself out and apologise to your poor son!

I couldn’t be with someone that said that to his son, in front of his young daughter and thought SO little of women. Yuck.

You just posted exactly what I was thinking. I was just reading through the replies mentally noting all the vile comments towards the naughty man, who I believe made a fudge of his words, with the best intentions. We are not all very eloquent, especially in our own homes with those who know us best.

As others have said, horrible thing to say to your son. But you already knew that OP.

Wow what a c-unt your DH is.

So she's hard work and a stuck up cow because she's shy and hardly talks?

I would have had a come back to that op like this.
Find a tart to cheer yourself up is that what you done when your ex left you you found me.

Your DH completely misunderstood why your DS was upset, it wasn’t about him being super sensitive, it was about your DH showing very unpleasant misogynistic attitude. Of course not being understanding, supportive and minimizing DS’s feelings contributed as well but it wasn’t the last straw.
At some point of our life we start judging our parents if they are worth our respect or not. Im sure it wasn’t the first time your DH behaved like this, your DS just couldn’t tolerate it any more.

Just to add that of course the GF knew about this attitude of your DH, it’s usually obvious that’s why she was shy and quiet, and there is a possibility that it contributed to their break up.

I don’t think I’d want to talk much at the dinner table with your DH so can’t blame the exGF for that.

Good job he did not mean any harm then🤔

Your husband sounds grim tbh OP. Insulting his ds's very newly ex GF and then suggesting he pick up a 'local tart'. That's not a 'fudge of words' IMO it's a complete lack of emotional intelligence and vile misogyny.

How do you stand it, OP? Your husband is a backward, uneducated, misogynistic, rude, insecure little scumbag. I’d be ashamed. I’m really sorry.

I'd be asking him straight what kind of relationship he wants with his kids when they are adults as at the moment he's showing them that when they are upset he'll be a sexist pig who insults people that they love and will make vile misogynist remarks. Not a dad they are likely to want to be close to.

Oh dear! Calm explanation that if, when his son is clearly upset, dad comes out with thunderingly insensitive comments, said son is liable to avoid talking to him about very much at all that matters? And he might not get to meet the next girlfriend.

This is so sad. Managing very intense emotions during a breakup is a really important skill to learn.

Your DS needs a dad who can share how crap it feels, and how it's OK to feel bad and that time will help.

This is important relationship building for your DS to recover and for your DH to get closer to your son.

I'm sorry this has happened. Your son needed sympathy and support from his dad and didn't get it. I hope you can help with his emotional state and you absolutely were not being unreasonable.

So a woman wearing heels and short skirts is a tart according to your sexist pig of a husband.

Your H isn't 'old school,' OP. He's a misogynistic, rude, insensitive arsehole.

I suspect that wasn't the first comment he's made like that, and your DS's GF possibly had enough of being around someone like that.

I think I’d have to immediately divorce him. Sexist pig. No wonder she was quiet around him!

How old is your son? Like others, I think this is really inappropriate and I don't blame your son for not wanting to listen to it.

He’s 18.

I wouldn't be with someone who thought it was appropriate to talk about women like that. He owes your son and daughter an apology.

I understand your DH wanted to cheer your son up a bit but to call the ex a name and tell him to look for a ‘local tart’ is just an awful way to talk about women. Your DH is missing the point of he thinks the issue is his tough love hasn’t been taken well, it’s the fact the way he is talking about women is massively disrespectful and he should be embarrassed.

The disrespect for women / misogyny of your husband's comments struck me above all. How dare he speak about women so disgustingly? What is he teaching your son on that front by speaking that way?!

'...find a ‘local tart’ to cheer him up'.

What a disgusting thing to say.