DH has upset our eldest following their relationship break up

[HanTalks]

Our eldest DS has been in a relationship for the past two years, which ended suddenly this week. I am not overly clear on the details and am trying not to ask him too much at the moment.

DH never liked his girlfriend (not that our DS knew this), and found her hard work in terms of her being a bit quiet (possibly shy) and not someone who made a great deal of conversation when at ours for meals etc.

Anyway, at the dinner table last night DS was quiet and gave a blunt answer to a question I asked him about his day.

DH then said to him ‘cheer up son, you’ll be better off without the stuck up cow’ and suggested he goes out with his mates to find a ‘local tart’ to cheer him up.

DS walked off from the table and has refused to speak to DH since.

DH is refusing to apologise and said he needs tough love at his age now. I’ve told DH he was out of order and should have been more sensitive especially given we don’t know the full circumstances.

AIBU for disagreeing with my DH here?

Is your husband's name Bernard Manning?

I vote LTB (my first after 20 years on MN)

Aren't you embarrassed by your husband?

Your husband sound like an unpleasant character in a 1970's sit-com. What a crude, insensitive and misogynistic comment.

I had a girl mate who’s mum took against me because I was so shy. It happens. At school I was shy and people called me rude.

Stuck up cow and local tart is disgusting, misogynistic language. If someone spoke that way around my sons I'd be fuming. What a fabulous male role model. I wonder if your DH had anything to do with the GF deciding to end things. If that kind of language was normal in the family of a man I was dating, I wouldn't want to be settling down with him.

I’m slightly staggered that you need to come to MN to know the answer to this, @HanTalks. And that you have a DD too.

God, that's revolting. I'd be so annoyed if DH spoke to DS about women like that.

Local tart and his description is vile. So someone who dresses like that is up for it with anyone? Is he going to find 'a local tart' to get over you if you ever break up? I wouldn't be having that talk, especially infront of the kids.

My late husband was a lot older than me. He was a vicar. On one occasion when he put the phone down, he said Mr. so-and-so had died and they asked him to arrange the funeral. I asked what he died of, and he said he doesn't know, he didn't ask.

He said if people wanted him to know they would tell him voluntarily.

Wait for someone to tell you something in their lives. They will tell you when they are ready - if they want you to know.

Harm to who is the question. Says a lot about his view of women don’t you think?

How old is your son?

I’m not in the slightest shocked that the son of a man who decides his son needs some tough love isn’t good at talking about his feelings.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the majority of men are absolutely clueless when it comes to child-rearing, relationships and anything even remotely emotive. Tough-love = not showing your emotions so I don’t have to deal with them. Instead of dealing with the heartbreak of a relationship ending, go and get drunk and shag the local tart. Jesus, no wonder men are emotional cripples If this is what they’re taught.

It’s never too late to teach your children how to communicate about their emotions. If they’re boys, they need to know that vocalising feelings doesn’t make them less of a man.

Your son doesn’t need tough love, he just needs love. Go give him a hug.

You can't honestly expect anyone to say you're unreasonable and that your husband makes some good points? Seriously, you must know how repulsive he is?

You're asking the wrong questions. The only question you should be asking yourself at this point is how quickly you can push a divorce through.

That's literally what I was about to post!

This is a very misogynistic way to speak about women, it's extremely concerning.
This is the part I'd be worried about.

It is a derogatory way to describe women, based on the way they dress or how sexually liberated they are. Sounds like bloody Andrew Tate at the dinner table.

Your DS is right to be pissed off, and I hope he knows better than to listen to his sexist dad.

He's revolting

How can you bear to look at him?

Women who say little are stuck up cows.

It's okay to use the 'local tart' as a receptacle to help relieve your sadness after a breakup.

It's okay to pass on your shitty chauvinistic ideas on to your young son.

It's okay to teach his daughter he has little respect for women and it's fine for men to use them for light relief.

Top man your husband is. Pity he didn't choke on his vile tongue ☹️

"I’ve told DH he was out of order and should have been more sensitive especially given we don’t know the full circumstances."

I think you have a bigger problem than your DS not talking to your DH. Why aren't you livid that he has views about women in this manner?
His comments were misogynistic, chauvinistic and derogatory.
Your DH is supposed to be a good example to your DS and DD.
Why didn't you tell him he was also out of order to say this about women as he also has a DD to think about. Please don't enable this behaviour. Your DD will see how you tolerate this behaviour in males.
Sounds like your DS's GF made a very lucky escape.

Second this.

What exactly it meant?

I certainly don’t approve of the tart language and DH is well aware of that.

Sadly, his view seems to be that DS is only young so the relationship was never going to be a long term one which is why he is so flippant about it.

He was brought up in a ‘just get on with it’ kind of manner when it comes to these sort of things. He says he is ‘old school’ but I’ve pointed out that just because his parents had that approach, it doesn’t mean he has to copy it.

So your dh failed to say something nice to his heartbroken son, managed to upset him and also made his dd feel uncomfortable by calling women tart and cow.

‘Local tart’?! Does he think he’s in the Sweeney?! What a wanker. In front of your dd, too. Jesus.

Yup. And that's got nothing to do with the 'just get on with it' attitude the OP mentione, imo.

You missed the bit where you explained your husband is a caveman.

You are married to a misogynist OP @HanTalks

I bet she's moved on quickly that's why your son is pissed she met someone else.