AIBU for deleting the FB comment?

[ThisFastEagle]

So my son just bought his first house and I'm beyond proud! He's worked hard for this and it's a huge achievement. I posted a congrats message on FB, tagging only him, and mentioned how this has always been his dream. His fiancée commented on the post saying 'we're excited for our home' and 'we're looking forward to this next chapter'. Thing is, the house is in his name only due to her credit issues. I felt like she was overstepping and taking credit for his achievement. We've had a long distance thing going on initially when he moved for work and she later joined him. I deleted her comment and had a word with my son about it, asking him to maybe clarify my intentions to her. Was I wrong to do so, or was her comment just a bit much?

I find posting on socials in this manner a bit pathetic in general, whether about yourself or on behalf of someone else. Like why does it have to be done publicly? Why not just congratulate someone directly?? It’s so “look at me”

can you undelete the comment? I think you should call her and apologise

Oh sweet suffering Jesus, you are extremely tiresome.

Your son is going to resent you. Your call. Just don't come weeping and wailing when he wants nothing to do with you.

Wow. Can you really not see that by paying rent at the apartment your FDIL was directly contributing to help your son save up for the house deposit. She has been making a very critical financial contribution to their joint endeavours but in your eyes it's all been your son's effort because the mortgage is in his name. No wonder your son and FDIL were upset.

Exactly.

Sauce for the goose...🙂

I assume they are going to be living in the house together and it's part of their future together. I don't know why you could have any problem with her saying that. She's being nice and trying to connect with you.

I do see where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t have deleted her message. But I do understand what you’re trying to say. Why has she got bad credit?

Batshit. This is why so many of us DIL’s end up going low/no contact and our partners/fiancé/husbands follow us, he’s not Mummy’s little boy now. You can be proud of his achievement without being spiteful to his future wife. I promise you if it came down to it, he’d choose her over you so I’d wind your neck in and apologise if I were you.

If you carry on like this you’re going to find out that your son no longer shares his or their accomplishments with you at all and then you’ll be back on Mumsnet blaming your DIL that she’s preventing your little prince seeing you!

" Why has she got bad credit?"

That's what OP needs to know IMO

Who cares that your son saved uo for it ? Honestly no one cares. Do you think people on Facebook care?? They don’t. Just be happy for them.

This has to be fake, nobody is that stupid or nasty.

I suspect you will see less and less of your son if you can’t acknowledge his future wife has played a part in this achievement.

No one would say that 😂😂
What an odd thing to think. Saying you’re happy for your new home (rightfully so) is in no way shape or form equivalent to taking all the credit I don’t understand how you have jumped to that conclusion. There’s zero logic behind it. Something along the lines of, “I have worked so hard for this, so glad I’ve finally done it!” would be taking all the credit but expressing exciting for moving in to their new home is just that, expressing excitement.

Being offended by that makes you sound unhinged and bitter tbh. Wouldn’t be at all surprised if you’ll be posting in a couple years complaining why you’re not allowed around your daughter in laws baby…but hey, keep deleting her comments on Facebook if it makes you feel better I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️.

For the sake of harmony you will need to be less pedantic.

My DD was gifted the deposit for their first home by my dad, when I posted the news that they were moving into their first home, I wished them all the love and luck for their new life in their new home. I included her, her partner and their daughter. I could have thanked my dad but it was no one else’s business but ours.

She might not be on the mortgage but I bet she will contribute financially to their home.

Remember a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is yours for life. She is his choice, you will gain so much by apologising, even if you say you deleted her message by accident. You are at great risk of driving a wedge between you and the son you are so proud of.

My DIL paid me the biggest compliment by writing that I had always made her feel loved, valued and welcome. I treat her and my son in law like my own children, celebrate their victories and commiserate for their losses.

A guy who was paying rent while his fiancée saved up for their house deposit would be called a cockloger?

Bollocks.

Jesus, OP. Put the shovel down before you dig yourself in.
You were unkind, petty and sound like an absolute precious nightmare.
YES your precious DS bought the house, presumably for him and his family, which is his future wife. She is allowed to be happy and instead of sharing their excitement (acknowledging his hard work) you made yourself look like an absolute cockwomble.

I’m getting piled on simply bc I’m a FMIL No, I’m pretty certain that’s not the reason you’re getting piled on.

When your DS has distanced himself from you, you aren’t getting invites to Christmas, it’s her family who have a closer relationship with any grandchildren etc, and you’re sitting at home wondering why, I hope you remember this moment. It would have been perfectly possible to recognise your son’s achievements without completely alienating his fiancée in the process. All you had to do was keep quiet.

Can you even imagine if a woman came on here and happened to mention that they’d just bought a house and their male fiancè hadn’t contributed a penny to the deposit?!?!?! The word ‘cocklodger’ would be trotted out within seconds I expect it would. Along with the observation that ‘male’ is redundant when it’s used with ‘fiancé’. But the point is, this isn’t happening here. This is a case of a mother, who may or may not be privy to the mechanisms of her son’s financial arrangements with his fiancée, doing her best to exclude her future DiL and damaging her relationship with her own son, who is going to choose his wife over his mum.

OP, you owe them both an apology and a guarantee that you will not comment on their domestic circumstances again unless your opinion is asked for.

So when your future DIn-law gives birth to their first child, will you only congratulate her given she was the one who did all the hard work growing another human being?

@TheGutsyOP "Can you really not see that by paying rent at the apartment your FDIL was directly contributing to help your son save up for the house deposit."

If the fiancee had bad credit how could she have a tenancy agreement and pay rent ??

Well my brother did this. But they saved all his future wife's money wages and lived off DB. They were both on the deeds btw. So I guess it wasn't really his house. When they split he bought her out she didn't want it. She wouldn't have been able to afford it on her wage at the time anyway. He's a higher earner than her. They wouldn't have been able to afford all the work they had done on it without his wage.

Something similar happened to me actually.

I bought my first house at 25 after saving for years and living a very boring life being sensible with money. The house was in my name only, but my then-BF (now-DH) helped choose the house and moved in with me. We were both excited, it was 'our' first home, but the mortgage was obviously in my name. I'd spent years being encouraged by my parents to stay at home and save as much as I could, whilst BF had pissed everything he ever earned up the wall and got himself into about £10k worth of debt. His parents had encouraged him to take out credit cards from the age of 16, move out into an overpriced rental and get everything he wanted on 'pay later' finance. They were shit with money, and still are now.

MIL spent the weeks after the purchase bragging to everybody who would listen about how her son had bought his first house and how proud she was of him. No mention of me, of course. I never said anything, but at the time it irritated me beyond belief. It was like she was somehow taking credit for my hard work.

We've been married for 12 years now but I still get angry thinking about it!

Nothing she said takes away from your son's achievement. You don't sound like a very pleasant future MIL. I think you should apologise to your son.

You've asked if you were unreasonable, and you've had lots of opportunity to explain your point. Almost no one thinks this was a sensible or kind thing to do, but you don't appear interested in the feedback. Other than outright validation,was there anything you were hoping for from your post here? I think there is an opportunity for you to have your eyes opened to how your behaviour is perceived, and I'd hate you to miss that and later wonder why none of your kids seem to want to visit you.

I think that was unnecessary and could raise problems between them. Your son is an adult and he should not have disclosed his fiancés money issues to you. Buying a house is a financial arrangement but if they are marrying it will be her home and even if bought in his name she will still have a claim on it, that does not bode well for your relationship with her going forward. It was petty.

Very easily. I did.

I was also able to improve my credit score enough over the years to buy my own home.