AIBU for deleting the FB comment?

[ThisFastEagle]

So my son just bought his first house and I'm beyond proud! He's worked hard for this and it's a huge achievement. I posted a congrats message on FB, tagging only him, and mentioned how this has always been his dream. His fiancée commented on the post saying 'we're excited for our home' and 'we're looking forward to this next chapter'. Thing is, the house is in his name only due to her credit issues. I felt like she was overstepping and taking credit for his achievement. We've had a long distance thing going on initially when he moved for work and she later joined him. I deleted her comment and had a word with my son about it, asking him to maybe clarify my intentions to her. Was I wrong to do so, or was her comment just a bit much?

That's a really hurtful and totally unnecessary things to do.

It sounds like you are struggling to adapt to your son being in a relationship.

Of course you can celebrate your son's achievements and be proud of him, but deleting your future daughter in law's comment makes no sense at all.
They are a couple, and she will be proud of him too.

I think you need to message the DIL saying "I'm so sorry, I've come over like a complete twat about this. I've edited my post to congratulate my son and his wonderful fiancee on their lovely new home"

If it was meant as a compliment to him alone then PICK UP THE PHONE and relay that verbally on a one to one basis, or better still meet up and tell him. Do not post on social media for all to see and comment on.

& MIL wonder why they don’t end up seeing grandchildren. You should really ashamed of yourself. She is the one supporting him whilst he was earning that money.

Sorry, but what you did sounds unhinged! Congratulate him in private and realise that your future DIL is also looking forward to moving into her home (who paid for it is entirely up to them),

Clipped quotes from OP’s posts.

'This was a solo accomplishment.'

'Yes I understand she may pay utilities and her paying rent in the apartment may have helped my son save up but at the end of the day it was my son’s credit and earnings that got him that house.'

So, it actually wasn’t a solo accomplishment, was it ?

OP, listen to your son. Maybe grovel to your soon to be DIL, show them both this thread and say you have now realised what an arse you have been.(Not going to happen is it ?!)

When I got together with my OH, he was rubbish with money. No hard bad debts but maxed out credit card which he paid the minimum off each month then maxed out again. He wasn’t a bad person and once I was managing the finances we were able to get a joint mortgage and have survived through good and bad times since. We’re a partnership and both bring things to the table.

This is a very good approximation. @ThisFastEagle you so think you’re right despite majority pointing out you’re wrong.

Carry on like this and you will completely alienate your son and his partner. She is the person who he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. Deleting her comment was petty and mean. Don't be surprised if they distance themselves from you.

@ThisFastEagle
why did you say this
We've had a long distance thing going on initially when he moved for work and she later joined him.

Why the We in the long distance?

@ThisFastEagle

Blinkin' heck Op, I bet your pleased you posted this on Mumsnet now !!
Can i post my experience 4 years ago ? I broke up with my former partner during Lockdown, the house went up for sale (tenants in common). Saw an affordable shared ownership flat, which, on viewing looked extremely cluttered, although I was just thinking of the timescale after accepting an offer for the house, so I made the flat owner an offer, just £1200 short of the asking price. It was a man in his early 30's, and he said he would have to speak to his fiancee regarding accepting my offer. My colleagues at work asked me about the flat i had viewed, so I told them about it, and it turned out it was my colleague's nephew who owned this flat, and she told me the mortgage was solely in his name. Anyway after waiting 2 weeks, owner accepted the offer and i paid for a full survey on it, and the survey results came back that the flat had a moderate to high risk of flooding, and of subsidence. Surveyor also noted how cluttered the flat was, and that he could not comment on the condition of the kitchen pipes etc due to the clutter. Decided it was not worth the risk, e mailed the survey to the estate agent, as i thought it may help the owner of the flat sort the clutter out. Then received a voicemail message from the estate agent that the owners (plural) were extremely upset that I wasn't buying it. My point is that i was dealing with a single home owner, not 2, and I wasn't going to fall for emotional blackmail.

I always wonder if the people who post this shite are mothers of daughters who expect to be favoured, or women who expect their husbands to prioritise her parents, rather than the mothers of sons speaking from experience.

I think its a weird thing to write that post to start with. No reason to delete the GFs comment.

The Facebook post was weird and in poor taste. Feels a bit like you were making a point about it definitely not being your FDIL'S, which is just petty and mean especially when she was clearly just really excited and wanted to share that with you. I never understand why people can't just congratulate others in person rather than make a big public show.

As many have pointed out, your son's fiancée has supported him to get to this point, will presumably contribute towards the house, they're starting a life together in a new home and are a team. My ILs have repeatedly congratulated my husband on his achievements - his house, his new car, his new garden furniture, his renovations. Also virtually no recognition of my role in growing and birthing our child. It's divisive and rude (not to mention they've no idea how we funded any of it - 50/50 as it happens). It's clear they think he's funding me and it comes across as having no respect for me or for the life we've built together, which has absolutely not gone unnoticed by either of us. We're currently getting some pretty major work done to our house, months of planning with building warrants etc. as well as decorating our second baby's nursery. Guess who has absolutely no idea it's even going on?!

This has unfolded a bit like you're marking territory. I think the best you could do now is delete the post and send both your son and FDIL a joint card and house warming gift congratulating them on their new life together. If you double down on this it won't end well.

You've made a complete tit of yourself but I'm not sure you see it yet, despite the overwhelming majority and your own son telling you so. Sit back, take a breath.

At the risk of making assumptions, when you and your son's father bought your first house together, did you contribute a full 50% financially? Given the way the world has typically worked I'd hazard a guess that's very unlikely. Did you - or your husband - consider the house any less your home for that? I really hope not because that would have been a very unpleasant attitude.

You have a small but distinct opportunity to fix this. Probably best to delete the original post and do a new, far more reasonable and less cringy post congratulating the couple on their new home. No-one cares about the financial details. This might go some way towards showing them that you appreciate you made an error earlier.

From this point you can decide whether their marriage means you gain a daughter or you lose a son. For whatever reason you don't seem keen on her but it's in your own best interests (and your son's) to make an effort to build a good relationship with her. Try and lose the attitude because the fact is that your son has chosen her. He will marry her, support her and (if he's a decent man) put her first before you and anyone else. That's what the saying 'a son's a son until he takes a wife' is about. As upsetting as it may be, you are no longer and never again will be the most important person in his life. She is. Your opinion on his finances or anything else in life is largely irrelevant, but what she thinks will matter very much to him.

Alternatively you can dig your heels in, keep on being the MIL from hell and find you don't have the relationship you would like with your son and his family in the future. Swallow your pride.

Oh, and in future don't post on AIBU if all you're really looking for is an echo chamber.

This.

DH had some debt when we met from being made redundant twice. He paid that off and covered the majority of our rent, I saved our deposit. We bought together.

The deposit wasn't my achievement, it was ours, because we are a team and we worked together to get ourselves into the position we are now.

It feels like a public putting her in her place. As though you are trying to shame her for not being good enough because he’s done this in spite of her existing. They are a couple, he will see her as his family, he is choosing to live with her because he loves her. Are you married OP? If your husband accomplished something that you were apart of how would you feel if people were congratulating him but going out of their way to make a point of how you must not feel excited about that because he’s amazing and you just exist.

I wouldn't argue with the first part of the post you are agreeing with. Just a shame they spoilt it with the crap about mothers of sons being unimportant after marriage.

You keep telling us what your post was about.

We know what your post was about.

It was wrong to remove her comments. It was nasty, petty, and childish. And I stop bloody asking your son to pass messages on to his fiance from you, tell her yourself, face to face.

She didn’t say it was her accomplishment. She said she was excited and it was going to be her home. You are being ridiculous and setting yourself up for a poor relationship with your son and his future wife.

You really are going for "Bitchiest MIL of the year award aren't you?

Tbh I don’t think OP should’ve posted on FB at all. Her DS must’ve been sooo embarrassed aside from her obvious vitriol to her future DIL. She showed her true colours in the public arena and a lot of guests at the wedding will have seen the post and formed an opinion of her by then.

I think you’re overdoing things here. You are proud of your son and have surely told him that personally I imagine. You have also posted on FB. He knows you’re proud and you know you’re proud. He knows it’s a big achievement, you know it’s a big achievement. His fiancée is going to be living in that house and they together hope to make it a home. From what I understand that’s all she’s saying. She’s not saying I bought it too, she’s saying they’re looking forward to their future in the home he has bought. While your son might experience buying the house as a personal achievement, it’s also a big thing for their life as a couple. I don’t know if there’s some big back story and if there’s specifically a reason you are so upset about this but it’s a disproportionate reaction to a post on FB in my view.

I feel very sorry for your DIL to be but what I will say is I had a difficult MIL always picking at me and interfering. We got to the point where I couldn’t stand seeing her and found it difficult going to her home. She then spun it as me being evil but the freedom of not having to go made me so much more relaxed. My husband would go to see her on his way home from work but she then moaned about seeing the kids but I just stopped asking her places because she was making me miserable.

OP I would have been annoyed at her comment, which I feel translate to "you forgot to tag me, it is my home (and hence my accomplishment) too".
I wouldn't have deleted it though. I would have responded with like/love reaction (or smth along the lines of "what a great house to start a life together") and moved on.