DP’s child’s mother not having boundaries

[surethingmaybe]

My DP has a little 4 year old girl that he sees 50% of the week (she stays with us). Usually it is more because her mum asks for her to stay with us for whatever reason. No problem at all, we’ve decorated her room and she likes coming here.

Me and DP have been together 2 years and moved in around Christmas together. It’s all lovely, and I really enjoyed the life we have.

I have some issues with DSD’s mum. She seems very needy - she will text my DP asking for a swap of days in a few weeks time and if he doesn’t reply in about 10 minutes she will call repeatedly. He has said to her before not to call him unless an emergency. So when he answers he thinks it’s an emergency and she just says did you get my text?

She has also started calling him at very odd hours 12am for example, if she can’t settle their daughter. My DP also doesn’t answer these calls, but she persists.

DP and this lady weren’t in a relationship when DSD was conceived, it was a one night thing. This was all before me, but she wanted a relationship/living together and DP said no but I will support you fully. Which he has - pays CMS, has his daughter whenever she wants/at least 50% of the week.

She is constantly trying to keep him at the door to speak during drop offs - saying she’s been unwell. One time she said she suspected her DP was having an affair?!

AIBU to find this type of behaviour odd? And what do I do? DP thinks ignoring is the best approach but I think it’s really disrespecting

Ok I think I understand your point. Are we saying that, regardless of previous relationship status, that the mother of a child should be treated with respect by the father?

yes exactly.

Do you think the OP’s partner isn’t treating her in the right way?

I don’t think we have enough information about OP’s partner’s behaviour to judge how he’s treating her . But do I think he’s entitled to boundaries like - don’t call me in the middle of the night unless it’s an emergency? And to ignore her if she does? absolutely of course that’s fair. She shouldn’t be doing this.

Or is it just an issue with people saying “she was only a ONS”?

Exactly. Including the OP who is the one who initially brought this up to justify her insignificance (and insanity). This is what I was objecting to.

I am not required to “self reflect” on this thread and your posts are not important or insightful enough to stimulate any kind of reflection.

lol. Right you are. Let’s you and I leave it there 😂.

But if it's a 50/50 situation, why is he paying the mother anything?

Presumably because he makes more money than her?

Fair enough.

or has more disposable income..?

CMS isn’t through court. Just gives her money for DSD, although unsure what she does with it as DSD is with us a lot more. She recently asked him to be guarantor on her and her DPs house. He said no.

Ok, fair enough

I disagree that the ONS was brought up to diminish the woman’s standing. It was a natural part of the story and needed to be included as it throws into relief the oddity of the woman’s behavior.

Read ”oddity” - dog whistle for deranged, bunny boiler , psycho, hysterical etc etc. the evidence - she was no more significant, less disposable, than a ONS.

It sounds like she is not particularly happy or secure in her current relationship, and has started thinking about OP's DP in a longing, grass-is-greener kind of way. OP is right to be put out by it, as perhaps she even intends to make thing difficult between OP and her DP. The DP needs to have OP's back here, and present a strong united front. Otherwise the DD's mum will insinuate further into their lives.

The fact she asked them to be guarantor shows she thinks or wishes there is a relationship other than the child that links them. She is massively overstepping, may even be a bit obsessed with him. He needs to act and be decisive, or it will be a give-her-an-inch-and-she'll take a yard situation. I really hope this can be sorted OP. I'd be so fuming I would probably say something myself, like mind your own business about our holiday.

So then why isn’t Mum paying him maintenance? What happens when Dad buys the new shoes? Why is it assumed the Dad doesn’t provide everything on his time that Mum does on her time? And yes, right down to the school uniform yada yada.

Now you are just stretching words until they mean anything. No one here has used culturally loaded terminology like “bunny boiler” and I have consistently stated that my take on X’s behavior—which you yourself agree is inappropriate—would be the same whether X was male or female. If the original connection was a ONS or a sperm donation—say a fwb agreeing to father a child for a friend—this kind of encroachment is inappropriate. Nothing gendered about my analysis.

She will get more needy and desperate when you get pregnant @surethingmaybe, your DP knows it’s escalating but has tried telling her not to ring unless it’s an emergency and she’s still doing it. It must be so frustrating for you both but all he can do is keep repeating the ‘don’t disturb me unless there is an emergency with my daughter,’ and put phone down on her. Or if she tries to talk about difficulties within her relationship, he cuts her off with ‘Thats none of my business.’ Once she realises she is not able to engage him in conversation about her personal life, she may stop.

She does refer to him as her ex. She put on the school forms “DP’s name - DSD father and ex partner”. Bizarre.

Why so bizarre that she refers to him as her ex?

You refer to your DP's DD as your DSD yet she's not your DSD either.

I think get some regular contact times agreed to so the child has a predictable routine and there’ll be no need for so much communication.

You could also start joining him at the door to help move the conversation along and shoo her off.

It's not harsh at all.

They are not together, he is doing everything he can to be a good Dad but he is not obligated to be friends with the mother. She is overstepping.

I’m presuming in this case it must be because dad has more disposable income than mum? Otherwise I agree it wouldn’t make sense

Something doesn’t add up, here.
it’s your partner’s job to set clear boundaries with her. He obviously hasn’t.
And that bothers you…

I can only look at this from my perspective. I would not want my kid to live in a shit hole even 50% of the time so if that meant me chipping in a little bit more so that they had time with the other parent not living in a shit hole I think I’d be happy to do so.
Most people would.

Yes it is. Your DP needs the mother of his child to be fit, healthy, on her feet, cheerful, not using alcohol or drugs as a crutch. She needs to be able to raise their child effectively. If that means he exchanges a couple of sentences about their shared child, that's fine.

Parenting is tough. If she's struggling, him providing a little careful support is not unreasonable.

Because he’s not her ex-partner? They were never in a relationship. It’s also strange to write that if they were in a relationship… the school don’t need that information.

I think of DSD as DSD. We’re planning on starting a family together and DSD is part of that. She’s not just DPs daughter/child, she is part of our family.

Thanks for such an irrelevant response though.

Honestly, I'd get out while you still can before you end up wedded to this odd circus forevermore.

I am 99% on your side but can you understand that she might not want to highlight to the Child’s teachers that basically somebody came in her once, accidentally and she got a child as opposed to the child was conceived under normal circumstances.

It’s no skin off your nose is it?

Hundred percent agree with you, I never understand it.
There are 51% males and 49% females
Surely it would be better to choose somebody slightly less attractive, perhaps earning 10 grand less, than one of these people trying to have a second bite of the Cherry when they’ve already created a circus of a life for themselves.

There are millions of men out there that you can be a first time parent with and it makes an enormous difference. I cannot Overemphasise how much the shine will be taken off your first baby for the fact that he’s done it all before.

You’ll be on this board More often than his healthy complaining about him over the next 18 years.