To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

Lucky you! Most people aren’t in that position and never will be. It’s a bit tone deaf to go on about it. For you and OP

I think a lot of this is very true.
he wants to be the dad that comes in and plays, has a great time with her, goes on amazing days out, cozy nights in with her when I’m out possibly having a pizza and movie night… you get the picture. But then when it comes to the practicalities - that sofa gets covered in pizza, toys get scattered during play and sometimes aren’t put back by her in the most orderly way, she’ll spill water whilst trying to wash her hands, she’ll have a tantrum over a banana peeled the wrong way… then it’s suddenly all too frustrating and he gets annoyed at me, I’ve raised her wrong. When bedtime is hard he’ll get annoyed, when getting her to brush teeth isn’t as simple as asking her to go and do it… it’s not as “fun”.

Then, kindly, what do you want from this thread? You van leave or stay, the choice is yours. If you stay, you can afford mitigations that most people could never dream of. If you go, you can afford the best legal representation.

My son tends to ‘prefer’ me as I wfh. I encourage DH and him to spend time together away from me. DS is 9 now so it’s easier.

He needs to be left with the daughter - OP does sound possessive over her - sort of understandable as they are always together. He might be useless but he needs to try and OP needs to let him. Even talking about separation OP says he will
ask for 50/50 out of spite. That isn’t a natural reaction

@dottydodahas dd isn’t in nursery I try to ensure she has at least 1 activity with other kids or play date per day, and in addition I probably see another friend independently of our kids per week (often coming to visit me or we meet outside of the home with dd in tow)

Do you do anything for yourself OP? I know you don’t want to work, but any sort of activities/classes/seeing friends on your own? Like a PP said, is an au pair or part time nanny not a possibility?

With a nanny you wouldn’t have to be in the house at the same time if you don’t want to see them. As another PP said your money means you have the luxury of so many options should you try to stay and fix things or leave.

So much derailing about WOHM, finances, independent wealth etc. People have different lives, that’s just the way it is.

My situation is almost exactly the same as yours OP, except I did work before my first was born, and I loved it. I was earning a multiple of my DH and I gave it up overnight because maternity leave in my country is pitiful and I couldn’t leave my tiny baby. We also benefit from my family’s wealth now that I’m not earning, and haven’t been for a long time now. I also know exactly what you mean about having help in the house!

I also differ from you in that the feelings I had for my DH before we married have grown, and new wonderful ones have also grown since he became a dad. He is my life partner in everything. I love and adore him, I have so much respect and admiration for him, he just gets funnier and more handsome (to me) the older he gets. I often tell him that I hit the jackpot when I met him, and I mean it. He works hard for our family, I work hard to make that work he does for us as easy as possible.

From what you’ve written, I think you have been quite self-centered. You have everything you wanted from life, except for a DH of your liking. In a loving relationship, you should be asking him what you can do to help him (as he should you), how you can help him forge a better relationship with DD and a closer family life. You have time. You have money. There’s no reason why you can’t do the leg work of building a team/partnership seeing as you’re not working. One toddler doesn’t preclude everything else in life.

The fact you’ve actually thought about custody arrangements in the event of a split, and concluded that you’re staying because YOU can’t do without your DD and he’d be spiteful anyway….I mean, that’s not thinking of anyone apart from yourself. Not your DD. Not him. Just what you want from your life. I can’t help but wonder whether your money is giving you independence in the wrong way. It’s there to make a happy life easier, to relieve the burdens so many people have no choice but to suffer. The priority remains strong bonds and ties with family and friends, a solid home, good values and service/help to those who don’t have your good fortune. It isn’t to ensure you get everything you want at whatever cost.

Classic

So the marriage isn’t really working but you don’t want to divorce him as he’ll have to look after the child every other weekend?

Maybe hire a hit man?

Life’s too short to live with a misery.

This. You have a cleaner come for six hours a week. What on earth do you do all day.

Checked out of the thread when I realised she said “I just don’t need to work a job I hate” completely humble brag post.

Checked out of the thread when I realised she said “I just don’t need to work a job I hate” completely humble brag post.

I think you’ve fallen into traditional roles in the marriage, probably without realising. He expects you to do all the work at home, while he goes out and works. Nothing wrong with that. But now you are expecting him to do more and he’s resisting. He’s probably thinking ‘why should I do more?’
i think you might need some couples counselling to resolve this. I also wonder if you’re struggling with finding a purposeful life outside of being a mum

Yet here you still are, hurling insults.

Why does it matter?

Do you have to work 60 hours a week, do all the school runs, shopping, cleaning, after schools clubs, cooking, holiday planning, social planning, every bedtime, every bathtime while keeping the house spotless and having a fabulous relationship before you get to call yourself a mum these days?

OP contributes financially and is financially independent. Both of those are vital MN mum-virtue criteria so what’s your problem?

What is OP expecting of her husband that is so unreasonable? Participate more in family life, be a better dad and be a good husband who can communicate? Really, REALLY unreasonable 🙄

It sounds like he doesn't have much understanding of young kids and his expectations of her are really skewed. Would he be open to learning more about what's developmentally normal for kids her age? There are soooo many insta pages focused on parenting advice and child psychology... I know it's overhwhelming but there are some good ones.

Maggie Dent is meant to be good and she has a podcast called 'The Good Enough Dad'.

I guess it comes to down to how willing he is to take responsibility for their relationship and stop blaming you for things being difficult. If he won't engage with professional help he should at least make the most of other resources. There is a lot out there and some it is for dads specifically.

Sorry your thread has been so derailed!

How do you respond when this happens? Do you rush in to fix things, or keep out of it until he’s worked out his way of parenting? Also, did he have any experience of babies and young children before you had your own? Was his own dad a decent role model, taking charge of your Dh and any siblings?
We all learn how to parent by observing, taking part and practice making perfect. Maybe he feels undermined, or useless, lacking in confidence, and ideally this could be a calm conversation between you both. It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t care but more like he’s clueless.
I’d suggest you leaving them to work this out, getting out of the house and not taking any video calls when he’s in charge. Also let go of past resentment about night times when your DD was a baby especially you were breast feeding, as it doesn’t help the here and now.

YANBU. Maybe you rushed into marriage and children, but you can't change history. I also vote for relationship counselling. You two clearly have different expectations of life, especially life with small children which is hard and boring.
Do you have very different backgrounds? DH and I have very little in common on a surface level, but our values and expectations are very similar, which has helped us through rough bits of the last 25 years together. But you are in trouble if communication is failing.

“From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’.”

Sounds like he’s lazy to me. If one side of a partnership has more free time than the other things are never going run smoothly.

To be honest that doesn’t sound great. Is he actually a nice person? Because your daughters reaction to him is quite extreme. Presuming he is, it sounds like he would benefit from a parenting course. He’s either not a nice person or just completely incompetent at parenting - or he just can’t be arsed? Regardless, being unable to leave them together peacefully for an hour or two is ridiculous.

He's probably resentful because you don't work

Also, if you do work, you're mentally more occupied

She says she doesn’t work