To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

hard to tell. OP hasn’t said whether her family are “new money” since they married or she’s always had handouts

Parents, grandparents, auntie or uncles. She said the money comes from family funds.

People don't just work for financial reasons. Equally, it is a bit infantalising never having to earn money for yourself.

That said, the husband sounds like a traditionalist someone the OP was obviously attracted to though so I'm unsure why you'd be surprised when he behaves like an emasculated man.

If, someone, for example, had inherited a sizable pot of money from their grandparents' estate (as is usually the natural order of things where generational wealth is concerned), would this be deemed as "handouts"?

The only thing I remember OP has stated her parents contributing is babysitting and a holiday?

Where has this idea come from that she is being given regular income by them?

The said during the thread her income is given from family. Someone asked her where she was getting her money from.

Can not get over some of the posts on here 🙄. OP does work as a SAHM, and the timings of events in the relationship is absolutely nothing to do with the AIBU.

OP, in a nutshell, "yes", you should expect more than this from marriage, and he's falling far below the expected standards. He doesn't seem willing to give you much time and to have only done 5 bedtimes in your child's life is terrible!

Granted, relationships do and can become strained when kids are small, but this goes beyond that, he's shirking his parental responsibilities here.

Maybe I’d expect if we are living in a mortgage free house that we could both work part time so we have equal amounts of time to bond with our child and have a better work life balance

She says she has a large pot of money she can easily dip into.

Get some hobbies ? Gym , go meet friends , something for you maybe ?

Yes. She does. This doesn't mean she deserves to be taken for granted by her husband, or snidely ridiculed on here.

No one is ridiculing her. They are reminding her that she can easily LTB.

This. She has the money to do this and pay for a nanny.

A lot of this is just day to day life with children TBH. A lot of the time being a SAHM is thought to be a wonderful prize .In fact though it doesnt suit everyone.Do you have any toddler / NCT groups nearby? Some adult company seems to be missing here.Are you planning on returning to work at all,maybe look for something different or retrain maybe .Your DH is working and obv so are you ,but he probably gets bored with routines, and sees you as at home .while hes out working .Maybe a talk together ,u say you go out at WE .try and get a date night once a month if you can or even a weekend away together .You need to re connect .life moves on and not the same as when first married but still close in other ways

But if you are actually married not in a partnership, married under the eyes of the law don't the vows all loosely cover this stuff, "for richer, for poorer, for better for worse, there shall be one end for us both, one bond after wedded etc"

It isn't really is separate as you are implying.

From what OP has said, I don’t think they worked before the kids were born.

Kid*

This was all done in haste.
Children instinctively know who their main carer is.
If they reject a parent, it invariably is because that parent wasn't physically with them enough.

If nappy changing is shared, giving a bottle, sitting on a lap, messing with, pushing on swings, put to bed every second night, 1 on1, while mum was out/busy, children are far more instinctively attached.

Lazy men avoid the above and are surprised their children are ambivalent with them as they grow.

Far easier to blame their partner than take responsibility for their own shit selfish behaviour.

OP, get some therapy.
He sounds nasty, bullying and like he takes zero responsibility for caring for his child.
Far better you co parent than stay if this continues.
Do not have another with him.

Ignore this kind of post OP. Some people are so envious of other people's wealth they think anyone with money isn't allowed to have any other kind of problems. In the real world money doesn't insulate you from relationship, family or health issues.

Your husband isn't doing a great job either as a husband or a father. I think it's strategic incompetence. My mother occasionally used to ask my dad to wash my hair. He hated doing 'childcare' so would do it really roughly and hurt me so I'd say I want mummy to do it. Not surprisingly I didn't like him looking after me and we were never really close.

I think we imagine someone who seems to be a decent boyfriend would be a decent husband/father. But you can be a bit selfish/not a great communicator and still be a fun/engaged boyfriend. To be a decent partner/father requires compromise, occasional self sacrifice, good communication about difficult issues. Your DH doesn't want to be that person.

I think strengthening the relationship/bond between your DH and DD should be a priority. It will really improve the marriage. You are a family unit now but your DH is seriously disconnected and this is probably causing a lot of pain (for everyone).

I went through a phase as a child of not getting on with my dad. I remember him feeling desperately angry and sad about it. He would get these irrational ideas that my mum and I were ganging up on him, or that he was a spare part.

Your DH needs to feel part of the family. He needs to scrub up on his parenting skills and learn to communicate with his daughter. If he manages to connect with her properly and make her feel safe, she will start to want him as much as you, and there will be a renewed sense of equality.

Of course this requires DH to want to change, so a lot is riding on that.

At the moment it sounds like he's stuck in a cycle. He hasn't managed to bond/connect with DD, so feels frustrated and takes it out on her and you, which deteriorates the relationship with DD further. Then he inevitably wants to avoid family life and go to the pub instead.

I can't see things improving between you as a couple unless this is resolved.

Can not get over some of the posts on here 🙄. OP does work as a SAHM, and the timings of events in the relationship is absolutely nothing to do with the AIBU.

I don't think it's irrelevant. My husband and I had to live together and finance a household long before we added a child to the mix. I gave him an ultimatum to change his job too, because it was long hours without the commensurate pay (I earned more than him on a normal working week). I simply wasn't having a baby with someone whose work was that incompatible with family life.

Five years later, he's earning double on a 35h week, and compresses his hours to spend and equal amount of time with our son.

It wasn't an accident - we knew each other well when we made those choices.

If he is a decent man, genuine and a good dad, and you did at one time love him very very much, then I think you should give it a chance.

Having children is very very hard.

Get some counselling and try to get it back on track, it’s worth fighting for if he is a good one.

If your DH is having these outbursts at you (you're turning our dd against me), there's a problem and it's his, but it is becoming yours and it will threaten your marriage. My read is you have personal family wealth amd don't have to "work". If that's it, your DH resents it, possibly. Why doesn't he invite you to meet him snd friends at the pub occasionally? Why are feelings off limits to discuss? If you can't talk about what's bugging you as a couple, resolve and move past, it will fester.
You will become distanced and the marriage, eventually, loveless and dead.

Why don't you have a cleaner or an au pair? Someone to share the drudge.

From your husband's pov, maybe he thinks he's just provided the baby you wanted and he's superfluous to requirements. Financially, you don't need him and you and your child are becoming an ever tighter unit without him. If you really do want to stay with him (because he had the qualities you were looking for when you met), you do need to talk to him and think about therapy. If he's always saying it's not the right time for that kind of discussion - and it is hard when there's kids around and you're tired and resentful - then write what you feel in an email so he can and digest things alone first.

Wow a lot of responses so I’ll try to address the main themes rather than respond individually. Sorry if I miss anything, it’s not on purpose and will respond when I pick it up.

why don’t I leave? Honestly one of the main reasons is that I don’t want to share custody over my daughter. I don’t want to wake up every other weekend without her. I know she wouldn’t love that either, and I know he’d insist on it partly out of spite and partly because he wants the reputation of Disney dad but without doing any of the boring or hard tasks like bedtime, dinner etc.

cleaner / domestic help. We have a cleaner that comes for 6 hours a week, 2x 3hr blocks but I don’t like the feeling of having someone else in the house who isn’t family, another pair of ears if I have a phone call, having to be fully dressed and look relatively presentable at all times at home. I don’t really know how to explain it fully, but I’m sure for those who have domestic staff at home they’ll understand.

talking to him about it. Honestly, very very difficult. He will say things like “yep, you’re right, anyway, that’s all sorted let’s watch tv” without trying to explain his side or “ahh I don’t know what I meant when I said that, let’s move on”. He would absolutely not agree to therapy. Talking about feelings is his idea of hell.