To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

What's the proposed solution? Imagine an adult has inherited £2million from a grandparent. Should she give it all away and get a job as an accountant, just so her husband's manly penis doesn't drop off?!

I and everyone else was stepping in to soon and undermining DH confidence in parenting. Leaving him to actually get on with parenting - so kids and him and IL couldn't point at me to sort things - so he got the chance to know he could did wonders for him and the kids.

I didn't automatcially know how to parent - I learnt by doing - he was being denied that chance - and MIL wanting to step and take over didn't help either.

So I'm not denigrating working women - I'm saying OP should try leaving him to it - so he gets chance to step up before completely writing him off.

I think the main issue is he’s not really really embraced being a father and doesn’t sound great with your DD. I’m guessing you telling him how to do things doesn’t go down well? A frank conversation with him about need to be focused on DD, play with her the way she wants to play. Another option make a family friend with a more hands on dad and encourage play dates where he can see a good dad role model. Or can he find an activity just for two of them that she then builds positive associations? Or he spends time with her with support from a relative of his? My DD was similar mummy, mummy (and my DP tried much harder than yours does) until new baby came and they were forced together. Now she often opts for dad over me. For your overall relationship couples counselling, he must or very soon you’ll be leaving him. I think. As money not an issue how about daily household help to take drudge out of life and you can both enjoy quality time at home with DD and each other. We’ve done this for 2hrs day since she was born. We even have it at weekends. And make sure you take time just two of you to have fun. Your DD should be in pre-school soon which will also help her socialisation. It really is worth putting effort in or what you’re feeling will soon manifest in you wanting to separate

No this isn’t what marriage is supposed to be like. We argued when we first moved in because he had just come from living with his parents so wasn’t great with housework. We sat down and basically drew up a list (a bit Sheldon Cooper relationship agreement style but it legitimately worked wonders). Soon after this things were going well and when I got pregnant I was a bit worried that he wouldn’t pull his weight… I actually feel bad for doubting him now. We do argue sometimes but it’s normally if one of us is tired or one of us is not feeling well. They are pretty much always resolved after a cup of tea and a “I’m sorry I am just really tired”. Ultimately, he makes me very happy and he is one of my favourite people to spend time with (and vice versa).

I think a big part of it is I feel like he respects me staying at home with the kids as a job. He doesn’t get nippy and act like he’s more important because he works outside the home. And if he comes home and the house is a bit messy he will either tidy up or take the kids while I tidy up. I do pull in some money from tutoring part time, but that’s my money. I use it for treats (for me, him and the kids) my hobbies, and fun things for the house.

To me it sounds like your husband doesn’t really appreciate you and just sees you as a mum. Also you’re a stay at home mum without the perks. The cancelling plans last minute would send me into a fucking rage as well. That’s just rude. Therapy can probably help, but he would have to be on board.

I’m not saying that. Put the money away, spend on your own as a family, save or invest for the future. But it can’t look great her just lounging around and doing nothing. Would you be happy if your husband inherited and did nothing/ kept it for himself to fund his lifestyle while you were forced to work your arse off?

this also doesn’t sound like it was a sudden inheritance, sounds like a long term thing for OP. However presumably husband knew this is the way things would be if he married her/ knew she didn’t ever intend on working? Unless I’ve got it wrong. The resentment may just have come to the fore now they’ve had children.

Honestly? If he’s only done bedtime about five times in the whole of your daughter’s life, it should come as no surprise she’s not comfortable with him. Surely you need to step back, let him step up and develop a better father-daughter relationship? How else is he going to his own sense of place within the family unit?

Of course, he could / should have insisted on taking his turn but it sounds as if perhaps you haven’t made this very easy for him.

And I know you said you don’t want to work (lucky you, being in such a privileged position) but perhaps finding a job or working as a volunteer somewhere would help you broaden your horizons and your life perspective?

If you still love him, then your relationship must be worth fighting for. If you can persuade him to have some counselling where you can both be open and honest, and rediscover that common ground that brought you both together in the first place- then your relationship is much more likely to have a healthy future.

This is an unhelpful example that gives no context. Performing some sort of work in exchange for the benefits of living is part of the human experience. You will find it hard to connect with most people if you don’t do that. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with emasculation.

from the updates OP and her husband sound like two people living together that happen to have a child. As PPs say, maybe he has issues with OPs wealth and being able to stay at home. But also he sounds like he’s checked out. If he has little to no bond with his child who screams ‘I hate daddy’ then you might understand why he’d rather go to the pub after work. Not excusing the decision, but you can see how the drift could happen.
I think you both need a reset. Like just because OP is sahp doesnt mean the husband gets to opt out of parenting and doing bedtimes. Equally OP needs to step aside and accept that he parents differently. They need to agree on some common ground with parenting and then some allowance to do things their own way. I do wonder if that is causing a lot of the resentment on his side.

I agree with this. He thinks she prefers you, but he isn’t making any effort to meet her half way or really enjoy her. It’s weaponised incompetence.
Both my dds preferred me when they were small, and that did sometimes get exhausting, but DH did always make a huge effort to do nice things with them, to play and find things that were fun.
The sad thing is that they are little for such a short time, and he is the one shooting himself in the foot by not enjoying these years as much as possible.
I agree with pps that he resents you. I suspect deep down he feels he has no role, that he isn’t needed financially to support you all, and he isn’t needed as a parent as you are doing a great job without him. This is where the criticism of you not being strict enough comes from I feel.
He is opting out of the marriage really. I think you have two options, you can talk to him about this, either just together or through counselling, see how that goes and separate if things don’t improve in a year . Or you can try giving him more affection, more praise, more love than you actually feel. This can reset the dynamic between you and remind you why you are with him.
It is possible that your relationship worked initially because it was almost a fantasy, it was romantic, but not mired in the daily grind of life with small children. I will say that when my dds were tiny my DH annoyed me more than at any other time, I think women really need men to step up at this time, and if they don’t it becomes a source of deep resentment that is hard to get past. Small children are all consuming and they are exhausting. It’s hard at times, and you do need to work through it and pull together. So if he can’t, or won’t do that, then that will have an impact on how viable your relationship is as your daughter gets older.

I wonder if he resents you? Was he traditional before you met and wanted a wife and SAHM? A lot of people assume that he’s benefiting massively from your set up, which he is. But I know personally I’ve no interest in me or my wife being a SAHM. I don’t want to be one as I’d hate doing all the domestic duties but I’d also really resent being the only one working, if my wife had family money I’d want that to benefit both of us in terms of a better work life balance. Totally projecting though, he might love his job and he’s just got unrealistic expectations of how much he should need to do at home, he should be doing more.

But I can see both sides

But nobody is 'doing nothing'.

Choosing to be a full time parent and run a home isn't 'doing nothing'

I would be very happy if my husband was the one with generational wealth, and was able to provide assets, a lifestyle and full time childcare that I benefit from as OP has done (house, car etc)

I would not be taking it for granted, pissing off to the pub all the time or emotionally shutting down

I'd leave ..get divorced,he sounds awful

So it’s the equivalent of you ‘contributing’ twice to the family unit to his one. How does he rationalise this?

He is going out to earn income to support the household and family while you stay at home to look after your DC and the house. But you are also able to contribute financially. Sorry if I’ve missed but do you share financial responsibilities equally? If so, this is completely unfair.

If you don’t already, have a large pot to dip into and don’t want to work why don’t you split finances, in terms of outgoings, down the middle - there’s no room for him to shirk looking after your child or sharing in housework - he can’t pretend there is.

Presumably the husband isn’t using OP’s money to go down the pub etc. most sAHMs don’t earn a bean or rely on benefits.

my suggestion would be if money is really unlimited for OP and being a SAHM is hard for her is to get a nanny or childminder at least part time and start doing some more stuff for herself. Either work or at least some sort of classes.

There's the famous devaluing of staying at home with your children again, 'lounging around doing nothing'.

So he’s not properly financially supporting you?

If you can’t shop and buy things for yourself with his money then he is being financially abusive.

What exactly is the point of him?

I wouldn’t, I’d hate it. I’d feel really resentful on every commute. I know that’s unreasonable but I don’t want to be working for the next 30years while my wife has the option never to work again. Doesn’t feel fair or equal

It sounds partly like he is jealous/resenting you don't have to work - this naturally will imapct on your daughters relationship with him you spend much more time together and she will know your routines etc.
Do you do days out as a family? Having a child is a big adjustment for everyone you must have days when you feel exhausted I would imagine if you haven't worked for a long while its difficult to understand that he's probably tired after work, gets home and house is a mess. Likewise for him he probably can't imagine why when you haven't been at work the house is messy and that looking after a toddler all day can be full on. You both need to see each other's perspectives more rather than just thinking the other person is rubbish at everything

I think she said she pays slightly more than him

My take on it, is that the husband is a shit, rather than OP needing to broaden her horizons.

Have you RTFT? OP is from an affluent family and has unlimited handouts from her parents.

Then you wouldn't have gotten married. He knew the score.

I have found myself being quite resentful as a new mother too. My life changed entirely, I am the default carer, I also work and make more money in a more stressful job than him. My baby is only 9 months and I am juggling everything. My DH sounds a lot better than yours, but then again who knows how mine will be in 2 years time. He was a great boyfriend but I think that doesn't make them good fathers. I don't know what the answer is.

So many mumsnetters will tell you their DH does 50/50 and you shouldn't settle for less. In real life, every single man I know is just not as good as the woman at juggling everything. All the ones I know are sub par parents when children are babies/young. Some come into their own when children get older.

Peak Mumsnet. What would you say if he had the handouts/ could afford childcare if he wanted while he did whatever he wants and she had to work her arse off everyday?

OP hasn't elaborated on the source of her funds, other than it being generational wealth.