To expect more from marriage? Or is this how married like is?

[savannahsmama]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 5, married for 4. Our daughter’s 3.5. Those first 3-4 years—before the wedding, the pregnancy, moving in —honestly felt like a dream. We didn’t argue at all. Probably because we were always travelling, going out to eat, doing fun stuff.

Then he proposed (really lovely, to be fair), I said yes, we moved in together—and little day-to-day things started to creep in. Like forgetting to put dishes in the dishwasher, soaking the floor after a shower, cancelling plans last minute because a mate had a spare football ticket. The odd snappy comment or silly disagreement. But even then, it was all small stuff and pretty rare. We still felt really solid.

But after the wedding and then getting pregnant, things started getting… heavier. Proper rows, more often. Nothing abusive—no physical or financial stuff, I want to be clear on that—but the arguments got more intense.

And now, it’s both of us constantly annoyed with each other. From my side, it’s: why am I always the one getting up in the night (when she was a baby)? I spend the whole day with the toddler, and then you go straight from work to the pub with your mates because it’s ’part of working’. From his side, he’s strict with our daughter and gets frustrated that she prefers me. I’m too cold and distant to his mum. The house is clean but often messy after a day with my toddler at home (especially if it’s raining or I’ve had to cook a meal and toddler played independently). There’s more but this is just off the top of my head. And I’m not asking to comment on each exact argument, just the fact there’s always some form of tension.

This morning I woke up before him, looked at him sleeping, and remembered how 5-6 years ago, my absolute favourite times were just evenings and mornings with him—those slow, cosy moments where we were just together. And now I’m counting the days until I go on holiday with my parents without him. Not because it’s a beach break or some amazing getaway, but because it’ll be an actual break from him. He’s staying in London.

(And before anyone says “oh, poor guy, working while she’s off enjoying herself”—we’re going on my parents’ money, not his. I don’t spend his money. I holiday, shop etc—on my own cash / savings.)

Oh yes, @BMW6 has it with few words: “this is when you decide to work together to improve your relationship or split.”

As @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne says, they just shared. That’s the obvious way that it should be. That’s what we did with our family, two daughters. Unfortunately today so many men think they’re entitled to carry on as single men do; brainless shits that they are.

Speaking from family experience, talking/counselling may help or it may not. They quite often deride a female counsellor. We all know why…

OP first hats off to you because I would find being a SAHM really difficult. It sounds like you do loads for your kid and are a great mum. It also sounds like you are doing nothing wrong in the house maintenance department - I think it's totally unreasonable to criticise someone who is looking after a kid for not having all toys put away all the time or to generally expect a mess-free environment. Sure, maybe you could do things more efficiently at times, as could we all, but I'd argue you shouldn't need to - a home is there to be lived in and played in and isn't a show home.

I am curious about a couple of things. First, I wonder whether your DH resents having to work for his contribution to bills whilst you pay yours from family money. It would be entirely unreasonable for him to resent this from a logical point of view - being a SAHM is of course work as others have rightly pointed out on this thread. But I suppose the reality is that your work is generally deepening your relationship with your child whereas his might not feel so fulfilling to him. Depending on what he does, I assume he's facing a world of performance management and targets and bosses - a world you don't have to deal with. And whilst if he were the sole provider, he could at least console himself with feeling good about that, the fact that he is working for the same amount of money that you get without working directly for it might feel strange. I really don't mean to suggest he would be right to resent you but of course emotions are not logic and I just wonder if there's something going on here for him that explains why he's insecure about his relationship with your kid and grumpy in general. If I were in your DH's shoes I think that, however unfairly, I would find the situation quite hard - especially if I had to do a job that was anything less than one I loved in order to match the family contributions of a partner who openly admits to having hated paid work when they tried it and who has the power to opt out of it without financial detriment.

From his criticisms of you, it sounds like he feels in some way entitled to act like YOUR boss - to performance-manage YOU. I hate it when parents going out to work feel entitled to do this to SAHMs - it isn't fair. But when people feel unhappy or resentful, this tends to come out in unfair ways.

I don't have an answer in terms of what you should do about it. But to answer your pringle question, yes, you should be expecting far more from a good marriage than this.

Give relationship counselling a go (obviously with due attention paid to the challenges of being a first time parent). If he categorically refuses to engage then you have your answer.

I think even if you do decide to split, your daughter will be immensely better off if you work hard to help her dad be a good dad. I do see how it feels like something is missing and is partly a lonely/unfulfilled life with a man you don’t love and argue a lot with, but treat it like a project. How can you supportively get him to spend more time actively with his dd? Can he take her out more where it’s ok to be messy? Can you invite him into the kitchen to do pizza toppings with her, with a reminder to him that she will be messy and he wasn’t a master chef at that age and that’s ok, it’s how they learn, she will love doing this with him and it can be cleaned up.
no of course you shouldn’t have to do this, and he sounds like a crap dad and it would give me the rage, but I’m thinking of your dd, for yourself think of it as work and just like work you need a break from it so plan your breaks strategically, think of your days as like your evenings from a tough job. Realistically, while there’s a chance working hard at this helps you reconnect, and it should help you tolerate him enough to consider another child as that’s what you would like I think, but it is more likely that you have already detached, and at some point you will develop strong feelings for someone else. Or he will. Or you will just be so fed up that you separate, but it sounds like it’s better for your dd rhat you not do that now; and embark on project build him into a better dad.

He’s a shit dad. I’m sorry to be harsh, but that’s the problem here. He needs to put the effort in to learn to be a parent.

How dare he call you a bad mum when he can’t even manage ten minutes with his own daughter! He needs to understand that little humans that have been alive for 3 years aren’t going to act like adults! He needs to get over things being out of place. He needs to stop barking like a yappy dog and calm the fuck down.

Why didn't you live together for at least 5 years before getting married?

You have grown apart.
He doesn't seem very nice.

I don’t know many people who did that?

from What you’ve said about your life it sounds like you have a ton of options ie you can afford to leave if you want. So your options are:

1. leave. Positives you’d be rid of the relationship. You’d still have lots of time with your daughter given you’re a SAHM. You could find another relationship where your needs are met. I’m guessing you’re still relatively young given the age of your child- lots of time to meet the love of your life to grow old with. Negatives, you wouldn’t see your daughter every other weekend, you’d have the temporary stress of divorce/ moving house/ general life upheaval.

1. Stay for a bit. See if things change in the next 2-3 years as your daughter grows up. Try and stay as sane as you can. Keep asking for couples counselling. Keep working on your relationship eg date nights etc. Keep trying to talk about feelings. Hope some of this sinks in and the relationship improves. Accept his limitations and try and make peace with the fact he isn’t the man of your dreams. Negatives of staying is he won’t change unless he wants to and works hard at it- it’s not in your control. The relationship could also get significantly worse, damaging you and your daughter in the process.

Neither option is ideal. The question is which option seems worse.

Why bother continuing with this?

Most people only stay in miserable marriages for financial reasons. How would your life actually change without him in terms of the day-to-day? With financial independence, you're not facing having to get a job or a reduction in your circumstances. I appreciate that posts like this aren't the full story and are sometimes just a snapshot, but it doesn't seem like you'd be any worse off without him in any respect.

I'm bamboozled by some of these responses... most of OP's problems stem from her husband's immaturity and unhealthy emotional regulation. He hasn't developed the tools to confront issues directly and healthily, rather he buries his emotions and lets them erupt when under stress.

He resents parenting because it highlights his deficiencies - his lack of patience, empathy, ability to view the perspectives of others, tolerance, anger management. Easier for his ego to blame his wife and daughter than accept he needs to do better.

He was an OK partner when he had few external stressors and where focus was just on having fun on his terms. But as a parent you learn that even if you do everything "right", your child is still their own person and won't always behave / isn't developmentally mature enough to act as expected.

He has to learn to accept that he is imperfect and work on his deficiencies, otherwise this is all he will ever be. He is a "fair weather" husband- only pleasant when the seas are calm and a thorn in the side for when the conditions get rougher.

I do hope you plan to go back to work, Ineedpeace, that will give you even more independence. If you hated your last job, do something else; even part time will make a difference not only to your income but to your confidence and self respect. You will also gain respect from husband. I worked part time with a young children and it counted for a lot.

Your husband needs to know how you feel. Make it plain to him, tell him to grow up or he will lose you.

Good luck.

What was wrong with this question?
I was trying to understand the full picture.

Classic.

She's independently wealthy, fortunately! 😊

Indeed and life changes immeasurably after having a baby

Mine started off like this OP and then went very badly tits up. I’m currently trying to protect my investment in the house we both own. He’s turned into an absolute bastard. I’d recommend couples counselling and hope he yours grows out of his shitty toddler like tantrums but I’d also advise getting your ducks in a row. Sorry.

She does work, she just isn’t paid for it.
Childcare is labour, for fuck’s sake.

Op is clearly struggling even if by your standards she does little. Why don’t you just stay silent if you have no sympathy?

op, would you and your husband consider couple therapy?

Does your 3 year old really phone you and tell you to come home when her dad is caring for her?

I don't understand why you're not trying to support him to have a better relationship with his child.

Does he have family that can help him? Maybe siblings with children?

He's a rubbish dad and a rubbish husband.

He's so lucky to have someone running the house, doing the parenting and bringing in money. He's having his cake and eating it whilst bringing next to fuck all to the table.

You may have got on superficially pre kids but its like going on holiday with someone, you see a different side. I wonder if in part you were drawn to him because he was from a different background but actually on a fundamental level you are really quite different people and he has zero interest in supporting you emotionally, raising his own kids or being an active part of family life which from your posts are clearly a fundamental for you.

Yes the early years are hard, but if you're on the same page as someone, you're a team. He can't even have an honest chat with you.

I know you would miss your daughter every other weekend, but you'd have a much happier life without him, both you and your child. You don't want your daughter to think this is normal.

He sounds hyper critical and punishing. So your dd does not like his company. Yelling at her for spilling water, putting her toys out pf reaching and threatening to bin them is no way to treat a 3 year old child.

It’s not tone deaf. People are asking about her work and she is replying. It is relevant to the context. Should there be a trigger warning if a poster needing advice has no financial worries?

He is too strict with the daughter. Minor things like her spilling water sets him off. How can op support his parenting when he is like this?

You don't need to be so snide.

Her problem is jealousy that op gets cleaner twice a week. So everything else op wrote does not matter to her.