To be disappointed by weekends

[TellMeWhyIHateSundays]

Every week I look forward to the weekend - yet everytime it’s a disappointment. I have a busy job (NHS doctor) so not much time to do anything in the week. Due to my early starts I’m still awake and up by 7am most weekends. The rest of the family (DP and DD15) are still asleep and prob won’t surface tlll gone 10. Im already bored. DP is a light sleeper so I can’t do anything that makes noise incase I disturb them.
By the time they’ve woken and sorted themselves it’s nearly noon. Then we have to do all the jobs that can’t be done whilst DP is asleep. I’d happily leave them till the evening and enjoy the day - but DP is insistent they must be done first. By this time it’s too late to make the most of the nice weather. I can’t even go out for a walk or activity whilst they’re asleep as getting ready, using the en-suite etc is too noisy.

Tgats the other thing. We both have busy lives and my way to relax is to get out and enjoy fresh air. But DP’s is to watch Tv. I don’t even really like much TV and especially not when it’s sunny outside! But DP is very keen that we do things together. So I end up sat on the sofa watching repeats of a box set I didn’t enjoy first time.

So Sunday comes round and I feel frustrated again I’ve wasted the weekend when there’s lots of things (simple things like going for a walk) that I wish I’d done.

Ive started volunteering for extra weekend shifts at work because it’s more interesting than staying at home

AIBU to want more from a weekend?

So if you've started volunteering for extra weekend shifts at work, and your DP is happy to sit watching boxsets on their own under these circumstances, how come you can't leave them watching boxsets while you go for a walk?

Everyone has pointed out this is ridiculous. I wanted to add it's not a good sign you are bored first thing in your own company.

Either use the ensuite - it's hardly like hoovering or put extra towels in the other bathroom? And clothes you don't need anything special to go for a walk?

But that’s not hard to sort out as an adult, surely. You obviously can’t have it the way it is, you can’t change your husband, but you can change what you do.
so change it and live your life. Learn to put out clothes the night before; millions of us do this all the time.

I think I’m your DH in this situation 🤦🏻‍♀️

I like a lie in, a leisurely morning but don’t want jobs hanging over me all day. I’m usually ready to do stuff mid afternoon which, as you say, is often too late as the best of the day is gone.

My DH will often get up early and go out shopping or to the gym. But if he were to plan for us to do and do something like a day out, or specifically ask me to be up to do something, I would. But if there are no plans, I like to be lazy at weekends.

This sounds mad OP. Why are you allowing dp to dictate everything? I have a partner who sleeps in where I don’t. If I want him to get up and do something I will have a conversation with him about it and we’ll agree getting up time, getting out of the house time. It just takes a wee bit of planning. Also fuck it if you wake them up, you wake them up. I’ve been out this morning for a walk with my dogs and read my book a bit. I love the ‘me’ time.

You only need a wash before you go for a walk - have
you got a downstairs loo ? Wash in the kitchen sink ? Then go for a walk, meet a friend for coffee . Return at noon noone will even know you've been gone . Leave your walk stuff downstairs night before . Then have leisurely shower on return when everyone is up . If this is a problem - ie walking while DH is asleep - then that is a different problem altogether I'm afraid .

Oh come on!
You can’t do nothing to help yourself then moan about your situation!

GET ORGANISED. This happens every weekend, you say. Have some clothes ready to slip straight on, have your toothbrush and toothpaste downstairs, and get out for a good long walk, go to the gym, go for a coffee with a book, anything!!!

A lot of threads on MN lead me to believe that women are still as trapped and imprisoned in families as they were in the 1950s. I have to admit it's very off-putting.

Then this is your problem OP.

Find an outfit and wear the same one every Saturday morning (perhaps work out gear).
Have this laid out ready for the morning.

Wake up, have a coffee, get dressed, go out.

You don’t need to shower or do your hair/make up for a morning walk.

By the time you get back, they’ll be up and you can get showered and dressed properly.

Do it now! Order a second set of basic toiletries and have some towels which live in the main bathroom. I have ADHD and I have found having multiple quantities of things so that I have items in all the rooms they may be needed has made a huge difference in helping me be organised as the things I need are always where I need them when I need them, no having to fetch and move things between rooms which inevitably leads to getting distracted along the way. Have a set of towels in a specific colour which always live in the main bathroom. Have a set of toiletries which always live there, it’s your house and it’s fine to have two toothbrushes and two tubes of toothpaste/ bottles of shower gel etc if it helps you!

To go for a walk you only need to throw on something simple, find a basic outfit of trousers and a top along that you can put in the bathroom now ready for Saturday, it doesn’t need to be your outfit or the day, you can change when you get home into something different and put the basic outfit back in the main bathroom ready for Sunday’s walk. Put a few sets of socks & underwear in the bathroom. Then set a recurring weekly reminder on your phone for Friday 8pm to set out basic clothes for Saturday & Sunday morning walks and put them in the bathroom. It will eventually become habit so you don’t need the reminder but no harm in keeping the reminder there if you’re worried you will forget.

All the obstacles you lay out are easily resolved with the tiniest amount of planning, so the question is: how motivated are you? You don't need to shower before going out; you could use a other bathroom or the kitchen sink to brush your teeth; you can lay clothes out the night before or even quietly gather them in the morning. If your DP wakes up, I'm sure they'll live.

On that note, your DP needs to accept that you will be up and about after a certain time (let's say 8am) - perhaps a white noise machine would help?

I've voted that you're being unreasonable because you're being so utterly passive in all this. You want to get up and start doing things, then start doing things. If you want to go for a walk at lunchtime, then go, and tell your husband you'll do the "jobs" in the evening. You don't want to watch TV, so don't.

Your weekends are crap because you're letting them be. Your husband seems to have absolutely no problem doing what he wants all weekend, so you need to learn from his example. Do what you want, and if he wants to spend time with you, then he'll have to join in with what you want to do.

Just get up and out? None of this is rocket science, you're just pulling yourself into a martyred hole.

You don't have to sit in with him either (are you at all suited?) just get on with things yourself, see friends etc.

I think you need to compromise by making Saturday about something you enjoy doing and then on Sunday you get out for a walk when you wake up and then you can all work to get the jobs done and then maybe you ans DH could alternate on choosing what you do on a Sunday.

i used to feel the same but I just take myself off and do things on my own and then meet DH later on and then we do things together.

I am with you OP. My DH doesn't like me to get up early and make noise as says it wakes him and he can't get back to sleep... but then I end up trapped in my PJs sneaking around and wasting a lot of the day.

But whilst I hear you on the organisation challenge, it really is the only way to break the deadlock. You sound unhappy so surely it is worth pushing yourself to try it once or twice? Have some clothes ready to go, have a plan and get out of the house as quietly and considerately as you can. If even that level of noise / disruption is seen as too much by your DP then that is clearly unreasonable of them. But there is something you could do to improve your own situation right now. As an incredibly disorganised individual myself and an NHS worker often feeling knackered to the point of zombification, I have still found over time that I can build the habit of getting some scruffy / relaxed going-out clothes ready to slip out in quietly in the mornings.

The thing is, it's fine for two people to have different interests, needs and preferences around things like wake-up times. It is NOT fine for one person's to always 'win out' and prevent the other from doing anything. Your DP might value doing things together but if they don't value your preferences and aren't prepared to give your own activities a chance... well ideally they'd then have to choose between either compromising on the 'doing things together' part or compromising on the 'always do what I want part'. But they're not having to make any compromises at the moment because you're just doing what they want.

I wonder why you're letting this happen? Is it a low confidence thing from you? Is your DP abusive or controlling in some way? Is it both? (nothing like someone else's abuse or control to grind our own confidence down and make us lose faith in ourselves). Were you raised to put others first and avoid conflict at all costs - either directly given these messsges in your childhood or acquiring them through watching how other people interacted? -Or perhaps you're just taking the path of least resistance with your DP because it's the easiest thing to do and your job hasn't left you with the bandwidth to try something different? What's going on? Do you need support to get out of the rut?

Weekends need seizing. Life is too short.

Why are you creeping about like a burglar in your own house? Why does your husband get to make all the decisions?

Decide what you want to do and do it. If you can minimise disturbing others then great (eg use the other bathroom) but you are allowed to exist and make choices as well.

Also fuck it if you wake them up, you wake them up

I disageee strongly with this. No one person’s way is the right way when it comes to sleep routines. It also changes as we age.
I am an early riser but a light sleeper. My husband is the opposite. I would be livid if he consistently made loads of noise going to bed and woke me up.
OP can do all that she wants to do and let the others sleep in if they want to. She just doesn’t seem to want.

Fair enough people want to sleep in at the weekend, it's their home too.

Not right you are stuck waiting for everyone. Just don't. Make your own plans, do what YOU want to do, organise things with friends, start hobbbies, sports..
Make the weekend you want to have. No need to wait for the others.

Nothing stops you from making plans like once a month to go away as a family for the weekend, or at least do a day trip somewhere. It's booked, organised and people know they have to be up and ready to leave.

I squeeze all my chores in the week, 30mn at a time (The organised mum method!), so what very little I have left is Saturday - also to prepare the week and do sport.
Sundays are days out day!

Im kind of in the same boat, I have early starts (5:30 weekdays) so am up from around 6 at the weekends, and whilst DH will sleep though anything, mother won't so I cant get the washing machine on, vacuum or anything

I solve the noise problem of getting ready my having my clothes hung in the bathroom and I give myself a lick and a promise and a teeth brush and Im away out to the shops by 7:30, drop that back home and head for 9:30 park run on Saturdays. Time I'm back by 10:30 Dh and mother are up and about so shower, wash on etc

By 12 alls done and Im ready for DH to take me out for lunch

Sundays - Im away out doing a 5 miler by 8am with a friend

If I waited around for those two I would be like yourself wondering where my weekend went

When the grandkids are here, its the same, I just go off and do my thing knowing time I'm home they will be up and about ready to face the day

Just cos their days dont start till lunchtime, yours doesn't

I’ve voted YABU because this is your life and something that is so easy to change yet you are allowing yourself to be governed by what your partner wants to do . Plan to go out for a day next Saturday , tell partner the plan and what time you are leaving and they can join in or not it’s up to them .

You’re a doctor. You know how precious life is. When you are on your deathbed will you really be thinking” I wish I hadn’t flushed that en-suite!”?

Compromise innit?

I'm similar, in that weekdays are busy and kids are now teens, so weekends are suddenly more free.

Mine usually goes like this:
Up. Gym class (dh does food shop).
Back for a couple of hours of work (marking/ planning). Dc usually in bed or at activity.
If we're not doing any hard-core house repair/ garden, I'll drag him out for a walk....because the whole evening is telly.

Sunday is similar.

I feel a bit like this is a transition period; we've been in small child activities for so long, we're reassessing what we can do again. Especially as the dc have no interest in doing what we do. And rightly so. They're teenagers. I don't think I saw my parents other than for food, money and a whinge, from 13 to about 19!

Just get up and go about your day, if he's tired he will go back to sleep, it's not like you are waking at 5am and hoovering the headboard. Stop being so accommodating it's your home and life too.

I’m the early riser in my family and fortunately have an ensuite and a main family bathroom. I keep all my toiletries, towels etc in the main bathroom and use that one. I love my morning time, I don’t tiptoe around but at the same time don’t start hoovering etc until 9am (that ls my the day/noise can start time and no one has ever mentioned it as being a problem).
Have you tried planning activities for both Saturday and Sunday afternoons or going out for one of the days? I can’t see how family members sleeping in until 10 is able to ruin the whole weekend.
Is there anywhere you’d like to go in the mornings such an exercise class etc? Sometimes I do a YouTube yoga or HIIT workout in the living room when everyone is still in bed.
Your DP isn’t in charge of when chores are done so you could suggest going out for brunch at 11am for those that are up and have got their act together. Or do you have a friend you can meet for a coffee/walk/lbrunch etc?
Or be radical and suggest Thursday evening or whenever is chores night and you all do a mad hour of whatever needs doing.
I would definitely want more from my weekend then you currently do, do you ever go to the cinema, local theatre, have dinner out etc? If you suggest it is your DP too boring to want to do these things? If so would you go on your own, with a friend, or with a DC if they were up for it. It sounds as if you are in the in between stage of having young DC and being an empty nester so it’s time to work out what activities you want to do.
I can’t recommend getting ready in the non ensuite bathroom enough, it must be horrible sitting around not having a wash etc. I think this will help you feel less mopey.