To want baby to have my last name

[Anonforthisone1]

Me and oh have a good relationship. He doesn’t want to get married never has. I have been married before and don’t have strong feelings either way. Double barrelling would not work with our names (which is what my other kids have as when I married I double barrelled my name,now back to just maiden name) and it is a rhymey toungue twister that would be a pain.

i really want baby to have my last name. For one I think it would be nice for the kids to have a connection. Also I just think it will be easier for travelling, school and health stuff and I am staying at home so will be doing the bulk of that stuff. I just feel that it makes sense. Also sentimentally my dad died when I was two. The only thing I really have from him is his last name and the only connection my kids will have with him is that too.

this has really upset oh who says that it is a given that baby has his name and is how it is done. That he just always expected that his child would have his last name and that he wants to pass the name down to his little boy. Am I being really unfair to want to do this?

He sounds like a right twat, why is it a given or expected and clearly it's not how it's always done.

I'd go and register the baby yourself and give him your surname.

Totally reasonable! The UK is still very patriarchal; taking a man's name on marriage is a very outdated custom in many countries.

Very reasonable, especially if you have other children. You want them to feel like a family.

Tell DP he's welcome to change his name to yours.

Traditionally babies have their mother's name - of course, also traditionally the mother would be married to the father & would've taken his name, so, in effect the baby would have the father's name.

I say that it's up to you what surname your baby has it's not such a big deal in the overall scheme of things, but would make it easier for you if all your children have the same surname.

Give the baby your surname! Honestly can't stand blokes who spout this outdated nonsense.

I think especially as you aren't married i just wouldn't even consider it, especially as there's other children involved

how about using his name if it;s a boy and yours if it's a girl ?

Nope. Traditionally the baby has their mother's name, it's just that if you were married then that was probably the same as the father's name. You can register the baby alone and he can't, so the ball is in your court really.

Why the heck not?!!! My daughter was born before I married my husband and she had my last name (my family name). When we married we all db'd as it does go together well, but absolutely no way would I have solely have taken my hubby's last name or given my daughter it. I'm also firmly still a Ms. As someone else has said, the whole changing your last name thing is willy-waving patriarchy at its finest!

If you're in England, traditionally the baby has the mother's surname. It's only in the last two or three decades that some women have started giving their child a surname that isn't theirs. So no, he's not correct in saying that giving your child his surname is "how it's done".

Personally I would double-barrel both surnames. But if you only give one of your surnames to your child, it should be yours.

Edit: Another option is to give his surname as a middle name.

You are both equally entitled to your opinion - because you have other children who have your surname it makes sense for new baby to have that too. However it is understandable that your DP feels the way he does.

DSD has her DM’s surname so it matched her DM and her sisters. Her sisters are now married and have taken their husbands surnames. Her DM has also remarried and taken her DH’s surname. If DSD gets married and takes her husbands name that is the surname gone. DP and I have a son. DS has DP’s surname. He’s the only boy in a family of girls so the surname lives on for another generation.

Could you compromise - if it’s a girl baby has your surname and if it’s a boy baby has DP’s?

Traditionally babies have their mother's names.

He doesn't want to marry you and share a surname - fine. That's his choice.

Not married baby should definitely have your name. My kids have my name (not married at the time), we are now married and they still have my name and I kept my name. No issues at all. DH absolutely fine with it.

Alternative is that you choose a completely new surname for the whole family (may not work for you as you have kids already). My brother and his wife did this.

Absolutely this.

this has really upset oh who says that it is a given that baby has his name and is how it is done

His upset doesn’t make him reasonable or right. He’s wrong. It’s not a given you’d use his name, says who? No. If he wants tradition he marries you. That’s “how it’s done”. He’s trying to pick and choose and being ridiculous. Hold firm.

Give the child your surname. He can change his

I think you both get a name- double barrel and don’t care how it sounds.

Yanbu at all!

Why does he have an issue with changing his name if he really wants to be same as baby? Because that's what he's expecting you to do, no? #misogyny

If 'tradition' is his argument, traditionally parents are married before babies and he's not chosen that so you can do what you want.

Traditionally getting married before having a baby was "how it's done ", so he's on a sticky wicket if that's his best argument.

The only reason he thinks that 'it is a given that baby has his name', is that it used to be the way of things that people married, the wife changed her name to that of her husband, and then when they had a baby, the baby took the family name. If he doesn't want to give you and his child the security of marriage, then he doesn't get a say as far as I'm concerned.

The baby absolutely should have your surname if he wants anything different from that he can marry you

Both my children are in my name only.

If he has never wanted to be married and pushed for that then he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

I would not consider my child having the surname of a man I was not married to.