To want baby to have my last name

[Anonforthisone1]

Me and oh have a good relationship. He doesn’t want to get married never has. I have been married before and don’t have strong feelings either way. Double barrelling would not work with our names (which is what my other kids have as when I married I double barrelled my name,now back to just maiden name) and it is a rhymey toungue twister that would be a pain.

i really want baby to have my last name. For one I think it would be nice for the kids to have a connection. Also I just think it will be easier for travelling, school and health stuff and I am staying at home so will be doing the bulk of that stuff. I just feel that it makes sense. Also sentimentally my dad died when I was two. The only thing I really have from him is his last name and the only connection my kids will have with him is that too.

this has really upset oh who says that it is a given that baby has his name and is how it is done. That he just always expected that his child would have his last name and that he wants to pass the name down to his little boy. Am I being really unfair to want to do this?

@JHound I wouldn't even consider my child having the surname of a man I was married to! 😄

Baby will have your surname in hospital and so that should be the default. If it bothers him he can marry you.

I was married to my DCs dad (now divorced) DC all in their 30’s now. I didn’t change my name and we gave the DC my name as exh didn’t want to hyphenate - much easier as, yes, I ended up doing most of the school/Dr stuff.

if you are not married then it makes even more sense for your name to be used.

Stick to your guns.

If you're not married, baby should have your name.
I am married, did not change my name. Baby has my surname, Husband is welcome to change his name if he wants to.

Stick to your guns and give the baby your surname. You are not married and it will make your life a lot easier.

I know several people who had kids unmarried, the kids took the dad's name, the dad cheated and left. It makes no sense for kids to have their dad's name when mums nearly always do all/most of the childcare if the parents split. Give the baby your name, you're growing it. Tell him he can grow a tomato plant and name that what he likes.

No, you’re not being unfair, but he is right in that the vast majority do use the father’s name.

All the families I know where either the parents aren’t married or the woman has kept her own name, still gave the children dad’s name.

So this has probably come as a bit of a bolt from the blue in that, as a man, he would fully have expected his children to have his name.

Doesn’t mean he won’t come round to it but I think it’s fair that he needs time to process this.

I would never have a child that one birthed having a different surname to me. Just say no.

If we had our children before we got married I would have given them my name. They would have gotten his name when I did.

As an aside, I really would not stay home if you are not married.

Our kids have my last name but have his last name as one of their middle names. I think it's helpful to have it there in the mix as a link to his family and in case of travel issues or whatever.

I never had to convince my partner thankfully but in your situation you should definitely stick to your guns, all your children should have your name.

I’m not sure if it is a regional or cultural phenomenon but all unmarried couples I know used the father’s name for their DC.

People assume that any couple where the child has the mother’s surname has an absent father and that the man she is currently with is not the parent of the child.

That said you and DH just need to agree what you prefer. There’s no right or wrong answer.

He doesn’t get to just pick the traditions that suit him.

He doesn’t want to get married because that suits him. No matter any negative impact on you. But he also wants baby to have his name. No matter any negative impact on you.

He sounds incredibly selfish and a bit thick.

You’re the mum. You have the power to register the baby. He doesn’t have that power and he chose to give that up by choosing not to get married. If you were married he would be able to register baby under the law. The law is in your favour. Don’t give that up for this selfish misogynist .

As a compromise can you give your son your DP's surname as one of his middle names?

Tell him it's actually traditional for baby to take mums name, but that it's usually same as dads because dad has married mum. I would say if really can't double barrel have dad's surname as a middle name.

I have my mums name. Bio dad fucked off when I was a baby, and never took my dads name (who kinda raised me). I love having my mums last name.

I agree with other posters who say that he is all for upholding tradition when it suits him so that the baby can have his name, but is happy to go against tradition when it comes to getting married before having a child. Unmarried mums are advised to give the baby their surname and in OP's case, it would mean that the baby has the same surname as their siblings.

What if she wants her name to live on? She’s said her dad died young and it’s all she has left of him.

@Anonforthisone1 give the baby your name.

When I had my son there was no way he wasn’t going to have my name - it was either my name alone, or my name double barrelled with his dad’s. We double-barrelled but only because my OH was totally happy with that - if he’d kicked up a fuss or said the things your OH is saying, I would have given him my name alone.

if he doesn’t want to get married so you share the same family name why does he think he trumps you in terms of being the one to share a last name with your joint child?

You’re the one growing and carrying the baby and the one who’s going to push it out of your body and be changed forever because of that.

unless he can bring something bigger than that to the table tell him to do one.

He’s being an ass - it’s a given that the child will have YOUR surname. Child gets your surname in hospital. Child gets registered by you, not him, because he doesn’t want to marry you and therefore isn’t eligible to register your child.

Why is his desire to pass on his name more important than yours? If your partner is happy to dictate that your baby should have his name only, he can jog and not be in the child’s name at all. Otherwise, he can be reasonable and you double barrel.

Double barrel really would wouldn’t work. Think jenkinson-Jameson but worse.

He doesn’t even want to marry you. His opinion wouldn’t count for much with me.

Do it op, wish I'd used my name for my two tbh, not married to dp but often think to myself why the hell does he get to take the credit for them 😵‍💫

Your name always.

It was always traditional for children born out of wedlock to have their mother’s surname. If the baby’s father won’t marry you he doesn’t get to choose the name. It’s that simple. Stick to tradition and give the baby your name.