To want baby to have my last name

[Anonforthisone1]

Me and oh have a good relationship. He doesn’t want to get married never has. I have been married before and don’t have strong feelings either way. Double barrelling would not work with our names (which is what my other kids have as when I married I double barrelled my name,now back to just maiden name) and it is a rhymey toungue twister that would be a pain.

i really want baby to have my last name. For one I think it would be nice for the kids to have a connection. Also I just think it will be easier for travelling, school and health stuff and I am staying at home so will be doing the bulk of that stuff. I just feel that it makes sense. Also sentimentally my dad died when I was two. The only thing I really have from him is his last name and the only connection my kids will have with him is that too.

this has really upset oh who says that it is a given that baby has his name and is how it is done. That he just always expected that his child would have his last name and that he wants to pass the name down to his little boy. Am I being really unfair to want to do this?

It really grinds my gears that it seems, to some people, that giving the dad’s name is the default. Beyond ‘that’s the tradition’ what actual valid reasons are there for this? All of the reasons that your partner has given could be equally valid reasons for the baby to have your surname. Could his surname be like a middle name or something?

@mintgreensoftlilac When I married I didn't take my husband's name or become a Mrs. Many people still think I'm being disrespectful to my husband!!! Thankfully he's not a misogynist.

He doesn’t want to give you the security of marriage so wants to have his cake and eat it basically !
Tell him,traditionally, you’d be married before having a baby but as neither of you want that, baby gets your name.
At least then, if the relationship doesn’t last, you and all of your children share the same name.

I've been very open with DH & my sons about my regret - and I've done it twice fgs! It's not about loving DH any less, it's about the loss of my identity purely because I'm a woman. I resent the fact that as a rule a man is born with a title & name & dies with that same title & name.

Whereas a woman starts as Miss, then Mrs, then could be Ms & her name can change multiple times. And all these changes are to signify whether she's currently or previously owned. It's as crass as that. Gosh I wish I were as angry about this when I was younger.

@Caerulea Exactly that. As a (married) Ms Myname I avoid all of this and it's incredibly liberating 😀

My ex (un married) and father of my son emotionally blackmailed me into giving my son hes surname, a massive regret for me that I wasn't strong enough to say no.

I just wish more women would stop taking the Mrs title and his last name, although I know I'm living in fairyland.

You don't need our support to decide your baby's name, you literally tell the registrar what the baby's name is when you arrive and they write it down.
I'm sure there are limitations but as long as you are clear then it's fine to do what you like.

We went for Babyname Mysurname Motherssurname for our kids and the registrar did question the middle name but happily did so. Never had any issue since

ETA we are married but kept our original names

@Anonforthisone1 most women are left holding the baby these days so I’d say go for your name .
If he wanted the bay to have his name then he should have proposed marriage sooner .
He can’t have it all .

The mum's name is the default, yes, but an unmarried man giving the baby his name anyway used to be a statement of acknowledgement of the child and (sort of) responsibility. I'm not surprised he assumed the baby would take his name - it's a pretty mainstream assumption and I don't think it makes him a twat. But he does need to listen to you now. There is value in tradition but it's no longer the 1950s. Women, married and single are keeping their names much more and conventions are evolving. Perhaps time for him to get with the programme.

When I fell pregnant at 18, my then boyfriend (now DH) said he wanted to get married because it felt the right thing to do. If we hadn't married, I would definitely have given the baby my surname. I don't think a man has more right to give the child his surname - after all, you're the one growing another human for 9 months, giving birth to him/her and possibly feeding with your body for months or even years!

If your OH was “traditional”, he wouldn’t be living with you before marrying you and he certainly wouldn’t be having sex before marriage, but he’s managed to do both, so tradition can’t be that important to him 🤷‍♀️

If he doesn't want to get married and never has, he doesn't get the perks of marriage, which is a baby with his surname.

Definitely stick to your guns OP. Your reasons for wanting the baby to have your name are 100% valid and makes sense (mostly having the same name as siblings and you). I would encourage any mother to have the same name as their child. Xx

The patriarchy is not a good enough reason to use his surname.

@Endofyear So did the baby take your last name if you don't believe fathers have more "rights" to the child?

Nope. Baby has your surname. If you were married and you took his surname then baby would still have your surname.

He can't have it both ways - not want a traditional marriage but want the benefits of a traditional marriage (i.e. family name). Give the baby his name as a middle name. Fortunately as you're not married, he can't register the baby without you anyway

If stick to your guns and say baby will have your name. Traditionally baby has mums name.
He has no parental rights re baby unless you let him come with you to register baby and name him as dad (or he applies to court)

As I said, we got married so yes the baby had my surname (married name) as I chose to change my surname when we got married. If I hadn't been married, the baby would have had my maiden name as a surname.

He doesn’t want to get married never has.

this has really upset oh who says that it is a given that baby has his name and is how it is done. That he just always expected that his child would have his last name and that he wants to pass the name down to his little boy.

God this prick really does want everything his way, doesn’t he? No marriage but he passes on his dad’s name and you have to give up passing your own dad’s name to be your dc.

OP, your reasons are totally valid, please stay firm and don’t give dc his name.

My children have my surname, objectively my surname is the 'nicer' sounding one and I am, for various reasons, more attached to it than DP is to his. DP is often referred to as Mr Mysurname, but he seems to cope ok with it.

Every other unmarried couple I know claim that the same discussions have ended with the male name being the preferred one, so it must just be the case that 99% of men have nicer sounding surnames than their partners. 🤔

If you are not married absolutely give your baby your name.

Traditional enough to insist baby has his name but not traditional enough to marry you.

This.

He cant take the bits of traditional he wants, but leave the others out. Either he is tradtitional or he isnt.

YANBU. He won’t marry you and give you the legal protection of marriage so he doesn’t get his name used. Babies should always get their mothers names anyway - ludicrous for them to get the fathers surnames when it’s the mother who is pregnant, gives birth and does the bulk of the parenting and childcare.

Double barrel or just use yours. Don’t be browbeaten.

Are you sure you want to stay at home after mat leave? You’ve got no protection if things go wrong and will be presumably reliant on him for all your money - that’s very vulnerable.

Totally totally get what you’re saying could DC have his surname as one of the middle names? Job Done !