To want baby to have my last name

[Anonforthisone1]

Me and oh have a good relationship. He doesn’t want to get married never has. I have been married before and don’t have strong feelings either way. Double barrelling would not work with our names (which is what my other kids have as when I married I double barrelled my name,now back to just maiden name) and it is a rhymey toungue twister that would be a pain.

i really want baby to have my last name. For one I think it would be nice for the kids to have a connection. Also I just think it will be easier for travelling, school and health stuff and I am staying at home so will be doing the bulk of that stuff. I just feel that it makes sense. Also sentimentally my dad died when I was two. The only thing I really have from him is his last name and the only connection my kids will have with him is that too.

this has really upset oh who says that it is a given that baby has his name and is how it is done. That he just always expected that his child would have his last name and that he wants to pass the name down to his little boy. Am I being really unfair to want to do this?

I’m 35 weeks pregnant and my baby will be taking my name.
We’re not married and I already have a little girl with my ex and she also has my name.
My DP is happy and understands why she’s having my name, he’s okay to take my name if we marry. His family on the other hand are not happy. Luckily I don’t give a shit because they’re not the parents of my unborn child.

If your partner will not marry you and is fine on standing firm on that, he doesn’t really get a say on what your child’s surname is x

So he wants the privilege of being a husband without actually being a husband? Do what you want, you're the one risking your life and changing your body and mind forever to bring new life into the world.

Wouldn't our lives be so much easier if women stopped taking their husband's name upon marriage? It's so outdated (and patriarchal). Child takes mother's last name - simple. If man wants to "match" (unlikely tbh) then he can easily change his name.

Just give the baby your name and tell anyone who comments to mind their own business! It's you who is doing all the work growing the baby and then will push it out or out or be cut open then you who will be doing 90% of the childcare so you get the say on what to call baby. Just give your name and tell him you are not discussing it any further and if he won't drop it you'll take the baby on your own to register so he won't even be on the birth certificate!

His family's expectations are not your problem.

You are doing all the hard work of growing and giving birth to this baby and you will most likely be the main caregiver.

He doesn't want to marry you.

Just tell him that the baby is having your surname and if he doesn't agree to that you will register the baby's birth in his absence and he won't be on the birth certificate at all.

You're not married, which is his choice. That means you have 100% of the decision-making power here.

im married. Never changed my surname. My kids surnames are doubled barrelled with my DH.

there’s absolutely no way on earth my own children were not having my surname. My DH also wanted the kids to have his surname so easy solution was double barrelled, even though it’s not a pretty sounding name. It’s clunky, but it’s their names.

no-one bats an eyelid. Why would they? Sorry,. I should say apart from my mother in law who initial wrote cards addressed to them with only DH (her) surname, because she’s an idiot, but that’s another story. I made sure she changed that sharpish!

I think ideally both parents should agree, or find a compromise they can agree on. But when push comes to shove, you hold the cards here, and you are right. When he grows and births a person he can name it what he wants. In the meantime, if you can't agree a compromise, you get to choose. I agree with many pps, I'd never have a different surname to my children.

Double barrel on the birth certificate, making sure your surname is the first one and then later on, drop the second surname when writing your child's name on their possessions going to school etc.
Formally they'll have both but on a day-to-day basis, they won't.

There is no right or wrong with this. I don’t think your reasons for wanting the baby to have your name are anymore compelling than his. Loads and loads of kids don’t have the same surname as their mums and manage to travel etc. It’s totally normal. I also don’t think your baby having the same surname as his elder siblings makes any difference either. If you think your elder kids will be less close to your new baby because it won’t have the same surname then that would be very worrying and equally if you think your new baby might grow up less close to their siblings because of a surname then that’s worrying too. I understand you want to honour your Dad but it’s not something that’s going to be relevent to your kids really.
I’d just have two surnames and use one of them day to day.

Of course her reasons are more compelling. She is the one giving birth to the child, he is the one who doesn’t want to marry her.

As a pp said, he wants the traditions of being a husband without actually marrying Op.

If they break up, she’ll be forever asking his permission to take her own child on holiday.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable. You both want the child to have your last name to pass down the family links. The issue here is you both have different last names. Is there any chance you could share the same last name or have a combination and both change it? Not double barrel like you said but a new last name that has both of yours included?

I’ve researched my family tree. It was very common in Victorian times for at least one of the children to have their mother’s maiden name as one of their middle names. In my family, my 3 x great grandmother’s maiden name was given to a boy in every generation, up to and including my brother. It’s also a first name, so I suspect my parents didn’t even know it was a surname!

On my mother’s side, my great grandparents only got married after having 4 children. My grandmother, one of those born out of wedlock took her mother’s maiden name.

If he wants tradition, he can have it! If I were you OP, I’d give the new baby, DP’s surname as a middle name, and your name as the surname, just as unmarried women did in the old days!

Double barrel would be the compromise. It's a shame you can't make that work. I guess you've tried different permutations etc.

I completely agree though that baby must have your surname, either solely or part of a double barrel. I'm married but refused to change my name and there was no way my children would not bear my name (they have double).

I think another major consideration is that you have older children with a double barrel so by baby having your name, the siblings will have partly the same surname.

I feel a bit sorry for your partner, but I still agree with you!

If he really cared about outdated tradition and doing things the done way then surely he would have wanted to marry you before having a child together. Don't capitulate.

If he wants the same name as the baby he can change his name.

We no longer have people as possessions.

yes we looked at all options with double barrel. We could try but it really doesn’t sound great and will be a pain. what I will say is baby will also have his grandads name as his middle name so there is a nod to his family.

i need to have a chat with him again but there has been a lot going on.

Agree

It should always be the womans name.

If the hyphenated surnames don’t sound great you can always hyphenate on the birth certificate but at school etc be ‘known as’ just one name.

My son has a hyphenated name but if he prefers to just go by mine or his dad’s name when older I don’t really care but if we happened to split up I feel better that he has my name included in legal documents. Much harder to change later otherwise.