To want baby to have my last name

[Anonforthisone1]

Me and oh have a good relationship. He doesn’t want to get married never has. I have been married before and don’t have strong feelings either way. Double barrelling would not work with our names (which is what my other kids have as when I married I double barrelled my name,now back to just maiden name) and it is a rhymey toungue twister that would be a pain.

i really want baby to have my last name. For one I think it would be nice for the kids to have a connection. Also I just think it will be easier for travelling, school and health stuff and I am staying at home so will be doing the bulk of that stuff. I just feel that it makes sense. Also sentimentally my dad died when I was two. The only thing I really have from him is his last name and the only connection my kids will have with him is that too.

this has really upset oh who says that it is a given that baby has his name and is how it is done. That he just always expected that his child would have his last name and that he wants to pass the name down to his little boy. Am I being really unfair to want to do this?

Married or unmarried - never rely solely on a man financially. It's for too risky.

It’s not a given: the child gets given the mum’s name, it’s just that the expectation was that she was married to the dad and therefore had taken his name.

im not solely reliant. I actually have more savings etc than him. I also do have money coming in from other sources.

I lost my Dad 10 years ago now and felt the same with wanting to keep my surname as a connection to him and any children I had. I’m lucky that my husband was more than happy to take my surname and even offered without me asking. Now have 2 boys that also have the surname, with one having his first name as a middle name too. I’m so happy with the decision we made and husband is happy with his new surname too. He needs to try and understand why it is so important to you

Yanbu, but on the offchance that neither of you are attached to your names, and would all prefer to have the same surnames, then you could change them all to something new.

Mine have my surname. Was never even a discussion as we wasn’t married, pleased they have my surname now as we split up so makes everything a lot easier having the same surname.

You’re doing all the hard work and he doesn’t marry you; use your name. He can change his if he’s that fussed about having a ‘team name’. I think it’s laughable that men still expect to automatically use their surname.

My OH and I had been together 11 yrs when we had DD, never married. We got to the registry office not decided on what last name she should have, we each had an adult DD with our own last name. The registrar suggested if we weren't sure then it'd be better to give her my last name as it'd be much easier to change it to her Dad's in future (if wanted or needed) then it would be to change it to my name. But it's never been an issue together 19 yrs now and I'm glad she has my surname.

Mine all have my last name because we didn't get married and I have them 6 nights of the week. They're registered at my doctor, my dentist, I do all the school applications and field trip forms and buy all the clothes and uniforms and do all the playdates.

Many people did act quite shocked as if it were unfair...but why would I give them the name of someone I'm not married to and doesn't raise them?

I do worry about people’s opinions if I’m honest as I think there probably will be comments if I do decide to stay firm
on him having my last name.

Really? Can't remember ever having a single comment that my kids have my surname. Who are you expecting comments from

mainly his family as I think they are also just expecting baby to have dps last name. I think it is very much just expected. A few of his family (close and extended) aren’t married and have kids who all share their dads name.

Of course your child should have your name, shouldn't even be a discussion. Why does he think his name is more important than yours? Why does he think his name should be passed down, but yours should not be? Is he able to explain, without referencing sexist ideas and traditions, why he is upset but the same doesn't apply to you?

Edit: Who cares what they expect. It isn't their child, they get no say.

You're the one who is pregnant.

You're the one giving birth.

You're the one breastfeeding and putting your body through so much.

You're the one who will be the primary carer.

What exactly makes him think he deserves to impose his name on this baby?

You don't need him to name your child. You can do the birth certificate without him on it and then he needs to request to be added. He will not be able to request the name be changed. Job done.

He could walk away at any time, and leave your child with a random surname.
If he doesn’t want to commit to the family, you should name the child as you wish and make sure your DC know they are siblings.

Ignore them. They will soon get o er it. Besides how will distant cousins etc even really know. Usually its a case of OH Jack and Jane had a lovely little boy. They've called him Milo. Rare for surname to even be mentioned in distant families, My nephew and his partner recently had a baby. Tbh I can't remember ever being told what surname it has

It's quite conceivable (no pun intended) that there'll be opinions. Some people are capable of great stupidity when it comes to naming traditions that don't favour men- I don't even say going against tradition because actually, unmarried fathers passing on their name is not traditional. And they also get arsey when you did something different to them.

The best thing is to accept this and be prepared. Be just as belligerent and stupid as anyone who flaps their mouth. If someone insults you, tell them only mugs give boyfriends husband privileges. Have some lines prepared.

And you never know, it might be fine.

Well as you are not married he doesn't get a say does he? You are the one registering the birth so.....

@Anonforthisone1 And these savings won't ever run out? What then?

I always think that children have their mum’s name- that may be the same name as their dad too but equally not. My DB and his partner are not married - their children have her surname

It’s your child, the opinion of his wider family is irrelevant. You will regret making such an important decision just to stop then making snarky comments. You aren’t just giving your baby your name, you are ensuring they have a named connection to their siblings too. If your partner is so bothered by it, he can change his name so that yours is the family name.

What has getting married got to do with the baby’s name?

The OP doesn’t want to change her name, married or not
She feels strongly about her own name
She has older kids with that name.

If she wanted to change her name to her DP’s she could, married or not.

The point is that he doesnt want to do certain things the traditional way (getting married THEN having kids) but does want to do other things the traditional way.....baby getting his name.

This is all about a certain type of man wanting all the nice bits of marriage...living with a woman who has sex with him, having kids, having someone who shares (or more likely, does all of) the household work, whilst not having to risk his money or his freedom to fuck off scot free.

Stay firm Op. He can't register the baby without you as you're not married. Definitely use your name.

This.