AIBU to feel entirely indifferent about my step child?

[ChangedMyName129]

Name changed and hard hat applied!

Surely it can’t just be me…

Step child is 14. They are fine, there is no drama, no trauma, no aggravation etc. I’ve been in their life for 6 years. Our relationship is surface level, but fine. Contact schedule is agreed, we are non-resident and CMS+ more is always paid.

They have 2 parents, none of which is me. I allow them two to do the parenting and do not get involved unless it’s discipline related to danger.

I can honestly say I don’t dread their visits, but in the same way I don’t look forward to them either - I feel completely indifferent. I would also say I don’t love them (in the same way I love my nieces & nephews), but I also don’t actively dislike them. I don’t “miss them” when they are not here, as I don’t have those unconditional parental feelings towards them.

Holidays are slightly strained, mainly as step child is quite insular and is definitely introverted (exact opposite to me and spouse), I’m not sure how much this opposing personality dynamic has to do with the lack of bond I think I feel…

They are almost just another person who spends time in my home on a regular basis. We do “normal” family activities, we converse, they contribute to the household and have chores and boundaries, there is no bad feeling at all. We spend time with their extended family in the form of PIL. When they were younger we did all the age appropriate stuff, now they are older they mainly just want to sit on their phone.

I’m not a horrible person at all; I have a large, close family and circle of friends, model good adult behaviours and ensure to instil the difference between right and wrong, and a good moral compass. I have a good job and work hard. But, yeh, is this other people’s experience of step parenting or am I an outlier?

I see all this stuff about “you must treat your DSC as your own”, or people fighting over weddings where the step child is no relation to the marrying couple thus has not received an invitation and I think people are living in a parallel universe sometimes. My parents know step child, they buy Christmas/birthday presents, an Easter egg, an advent calendar etc etc - but do they consider them a grandchild, absolutely not.

Worth noting - there are no other children involved currently so this is not a blended family situation, however myself and my spouse are looking to (hopefully) have a couple of our own children in the near future. Step child was born when spouse was only 17 so appreciate the age gap will be huge and there’s unlikely to be a close sibling bond there either.

Is your step child likely to go to Uni?
If so I would make sure finances are sorted and likely wait until then to start a family with their dad.
Step child will be an adult and be more focused on their own life
Would be more like a second family rather than a blended one

I knew I would feel like this if I ever went out with someone who had their own children so personally I chose not to date anyone that did. I have been the child in this situation and it’s not nice. You absolutely know how your step parent feels about you. If you have your own dc the gulf will be even wider.

Conversely I met dh was dd was 5 - he wanted to be a step parent and is a wonderful one. He is very adamant she is his daughter (biological dad not involved), she is 22 now and we have a 13 year old together. He is a much better step parent than I could ever be. It’s not for everyone and that’s okay.

Very unlikely to go to uni, will more likely go into something vocational as they really love animals. Finances are already sorted and fully combined, including will provisions etc. We’ve been married 3 years.

No judgement from me. I wouldn’t have had a relationship with a man with children because I absolutely know I wouldn’t have felt anything for them. But at the end of the day, it’s not how you ‘feel’ - it’s how you treat them that matters. If they feel welcome, safe and cared about in your home, I think you’re doing enough.

It’s not unreasonable. It’s pretty hard to really bond with older kids who are not your own. What you need to be careful of is indifference turning to dislike once you have your own. It’s really not an ideal situation for anyone involved tbh.

Love the username!

Thanks for not judging, I’ve never vocalised this to anyone else as I never know how people would take it. I know for certain I definitely do not treat them in any sort of unkind fashion, but I also do not act like a surrogate parent. I’m just another adult - if that makes sense?

I would imagine their age and your age will have a lot to do with it, assuming your late twenties/very early thirties?

Thanks for your perspective, when you say you’ve been the child in this situation what do you mean?

In terms of my actions or outward presentation towards step child there is are no negative connotations etc, I just know I don’t act the same way in which my parents act towards me for example.

I also do not get involved in arguments between step child and spouse.

Yes, I’m only 31. Have known them since I was 25.

Thanks for this, you make a really good point. Is this by any chance something you have any experience in and could offer some advice for avoiding?

I guess you feel what you feel. But it does sound sad. I have strong caring feeling about lots of children that aren't my own. Cousin's children, kids from church, friend's children of all ages.

Might not connect with them all on a deep level but I care about them, am happy to see them, want to encourage them and have individual things I like and admire in them. Don't love them like my own but there's affection for them still. It doesn't have to be all or nothing

It must be hard to grow up in a house where an adult just wasn't fussed about you.

I think you might be able to feel
more for her when you have children of your own. Then I hope your parents will see her as a grandchild also etc as it will be more of a blended family.
the bit that stands out to me is: definitely introverted (exact opposite to me and spouse)
Is her personality the ‘exact opposite’ or have you made no space for her?

I just meant that both my Mum and Dad had new partners / step parents and whilst neither of them were horrible to me and both made an effort to include me (ie treated me as you describe in your post) I definitely knew they didn’t really have any feelings towards me. I knew that if my parent split up with them there’d be no further relationship with them. Really I just wanted to be on my own with my parent but I was old enough (parents divorced at 12ish) to know that wasn’t realistic and made the best of it. But it was a difficult and awkward dynamic.

In contrast my dh treats dd exactly the same as our Ds in terms of the love and affection you’d expect from a parent.

Sounds normal. I’ve always expected I’d feel like that and if I was ever back out in the dating pool I would probably look for people who don’t have kids.

I suppose the difference is whether you are ‘nice’ adult (ask them if they’re ok, offer to make them a drink, watch tv with them, have a laugh with them occasionally) or just an adult who ignores their existence?

I think the issue starts so often because you frame them staying as visits, they are not visits it is their home just as much as their other parent even if time isn’t even. This isn’t just about op, it’s a general observation, and one that my dc have issue with, they are older but don’t have keys to their dads place now (he moved in with dp) and there is no room to stay in let alone a bedroom to store things in whereas they have a room here (plus a second room come office in case both here), storage, clothes etc despite now moved out.

@ChangedMyName129 Do you not have any feelings at all? Is it total indifference? No affection?

I ask that because you say you are another adult in the their life, but actually most adults in a child’s life have at least some affection or a feeling of ‘like’.

I see all this stuff about “you must treat your DSC as your own”, or people fighting over weddings where the step child is no relation to the marrying couple thus has not received an invitation and I think people are living in a parallel universe sometimes. My parents know step child, they buy Christmas/birthday presents, an Easter egg, an advent calendar etc etc - but do they consider them a grandchild, absolutely not.

It depends on a lot of things, I think.

My son has a step dad. He was 18 months when we got together (we'd been close friends for 10 years by this point). When we split up when my son was 13, he paid maintenance for him until 18, he had EOW contact and my ex is still his dad and they have a relationship independent of me. My son is now 26.

My ex mil still regards my son as her eldest grandchild.

My partner and I each have adult childen. We each treat them equally. That doesn't mean exactly the same - I have a child at university now who comes home for holidays. She was 15 when we got together and has frequent regular contact with her dad but he has a step parent relationship with her and they are close.

He's been out with all four adult children for a night out without me.

I guess the thing with my parents is that they don’t often see step child, only at larger family occasions really. This is probably why they don’t have much of a bond.

Their personality is overall shy, timid and even anxious at times. I’ve done a lot with them on confidence and resilience building. They had some real issues with friendships when starting school which they confided in me regarding and, I think, my help was invaluable to them.

I certainly wouldn’t say this is a case of no space.

I definitely don’t ignore their existence so I’d say I fall into the nice camp.

I mentioned we do “normal” family activities, this involves me teaching them how to cook and prepare meals and how to do laundry properly. We sit and eat at the table and converse about all of our days etc. I see myself more as a guidance layer, preparing them for adulthood - hopefully anyway.

How does your husband feel about this? And your SC? They're the important opinions here. If your husband isn't ok with this then you need to discuss it before you potentially have any children together.

I would find it very strange if he was happy for you to have no relationship to speak of at all with his son, and this would be laid more bare seeing you with your own child

Thanks for pointing this out, I think it’s a terminology oversight on my part. Maybe I should have said “days” as opposed to visits.

They definitely have a proper bedroom, TV, gadgets, clothes etc. It’s not a case of “pack a bag to go to dads”. They don’t have a key, but that’s only because we’re not within reachable vicinity that they’d ever come here alone as we live quite rurally, so rely on parental transport for now.

I'm not judging you at all. As long as you don't later expect your husband to care more for the kids you (hope to) share than for your stepchild. I do think that's unfair, and where a lot of stepparents go wrong. I would never marry a father, but that's because I don't like children and I don't want my own, either.

The poor kid, when you have children of your own. You bang on about setting a good example, but it sounds like there’s no genuine warmth there.

I was mid to late teens when my dad had his second family. Didn’t stop me from bonding with them so I think you are unreasonable with that comment. To them I am their sister, I babysat them, and have done readings at two of their weddings

However the proof in the pudding is your DH’s behaviour. If he shuts his first child out when yours come along, and worse still if you encourage this, then that is awful and it’s when new families are formed that the adults need to behave themselves

Oh and if you are acting indifferent to them now, even if it’s polite indifference that you think is fine, they will absolutely be noticing it and they will remember your behaviour now, especially as other children come along