AIBU to feel entirely indifferent about my step child?

[ChangedMyName129]

Name changed and hard hat applied!

Surely it can’t just be me…

Step child is 14. They are fine, there is no drama, no trauma, no aggravation etc. I’ve been in their life for 6 years. Our relationship is surface level, but fine. Contact schedule is agreed, we are non-resident and CMS+ more is always paid.

They have 2 parents, none of which is me. I allow them two to do the parenting and do not get involved unless it’s discipline related to danger.

I can honestly say I don’t dread their visits, but in the same way I don’t look forward to them either - I feel completely indifferent. I would also say I don’t love them (in the same way I love my nieces & nephews), but I also don’t actively dislike them. I don’t “miss them” when they are not here, as I don’t have those unconditional parental feelings towards them.

Holidays are slightly strained, mainly as step child is quite insular and is definitely introverted (exact opposite to me and spouse), I’m not sure how much this opposing personality dynamic has to do with the lack of bond I think I feel…

They are almost just another person who spends time in my home on a regular basis. We do “normal” family activities, we converse, they contribute to the household and have chores and boundaries, there is no bad feeling at all. We spend time with their extended family in the form of PIL. When they were younger we did all the age appropriate stuff, now they are older they mainly just want to sit on their phone.

I’m not a horrible person at all; I have a large, close family and circle of friends, model good adult behaviours and ensure to instil the difference between right and wrong, and a good moral compass. I have a good job and work hard. But, yeh, is this other people’s experience of step parenting or am I an outlier?

I see all this stuff about “you must treat your DSC as your own”, or people fighting over weddings where the step child is no relation to the marrying couple thus has not received an invitation and I think people are living in a parallel universe sometimes. My parents know step child, they buy Christmas/birthday presents, an Easter egg, an advent calendar etc etc - but do they consider them a grandchild, absolutely not.

Worth noting - there are no other children involved currently so this is not a blended family situation, however myself and my spouse are looking to (hopefully) have a couple of our own children in the near future. Step child was born when spouse was only 17 so appreciate the age gap will be huge and there’s unlikely to be a close sibling bond there either.

My husband struggled initially with the fact that I don’t ‘love them like he does’, but I feel that’s an unrealistic marker anyway. We’ve had plenty of good, open conversations about it over the years.

My perspective as being a step child. Ambivalence is ok! You’re not their parent, they already have two that are loving and active which is probably helped by having a stepparent who is not pushing a relationship or overstepping.

You can absolutely have a pleasant relationship with your SC that doesn’t mimic or try to recreate some tv level super close fairytale relationship.

Honestly what you describe is very refreshing.

I think this is really harsh… there should be no “poor kid” about this. This child is loved and cared for very well by their separated parents. The other adults in their life are all cooperative and supportive in building their future.

I’m a stepmother. Have been in DSDs life since she was 11. We got married and had our first child when she was 15. It’s always been a pretty easy relationship but we did have things in common and I feel pretty sure it would have been harder if she’d been a boy. I do think the mid-teen years are a tricky time and you take a pragmatic, realistic view of the situation. Like you, I always took the view that she has 2 parents and I am not one of them and I did not involve myself in parenting decisions, discipline and was careful always to be respectful and positive about her mother.

Going forward, the way that your relationship progresses will probably have a lot to do with how your stepchild responds to your own children when you have them. A teenager may need to be allowed to spend more time in their other home during the toddler years. What matters is the big picture. I was lucky that DSD could not have been more thrilled to be sister despite being 15 years older than DD1 and 20 years older than DD2. I always liked her and enjoyed her company but gradually I truly did come to love her like my own and now we go on holiday together, just the two of us.

I think you’re taking a measured view and I do think these relationships are a slow burn and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you even have to fake it until you make it but it is worth it for the sibling relationships. My girls have another adult in their lives who loves them with the same ferocity that I do. She is younger, cooler and they can take their problems to her and I know that she will give them kind, patient advice with their safety, happiness and best interests at heart. Love can grow from thinking of them as your child’s sibling, rather than as your stepchild.

Thank you for this 💖

Their home, not just your home.

Thanks for this perspective.

I guarantee you I have no expectation of DH treating any subsequent children any differently and he certainly will not be shitting step child out of that situation does occur.

Thank you for this! Great perspective.

From what I read/ hear being a step parent can be a bit of thankless task, where youre expected to love/ treat then as your ‘own’ and yet be always aware that you’re not the actual parent and avoid overstepping at all costs. I wouldn’t have liked it and avoided dating men with children for that reason.

But I do find it unusual to have that level of contact over a long time with a child and not develop some affection and fondness for them. As a pp said, in most cases I’d have thought even ‘just another adult’ would develop some warm feelings after 6 years in their life.

It’s also quite telling that you position them as the ‘polar opposite’ to you and your DH, could just genuinely be that they’re a different temperament but could also be a bit of a ‘them and us’ mindset creeping in which can’t feel very nice for the child.

Ultimately you feel how you feel and it doesn’t sound like you’re being hostile or unwelcoming. As long as you’re kind, and the child’s dad isn’t indifferent, puts them first and isn’t affected by your indifference then hopefully it won’t be an issue.

I have two DSD and I feel love for them, mostly because they are DH’s daughters. I feel proud of them when they do good things, and worried for them when they’re at risk. I don’t usually miss them, necessarily. But I like when they’re around, and I like hearing about their life, and I hope I can be close with their children, whom I will definitely see as my own grandchildren if I’m permitted to see them regularly from birth.

But, not everyone is like that, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling that way, OP. You’re not treating your SC coldly or badly, like some awful step parents do. Don’t feel badly about it, no matter what mumsnetters are going to tell you.

Entirely normal imo

I wonder if it’s because they are introverted you’ve not had a chance to bond over something.

Maybe if you had met them when they were still a baby or a toddler you’d have grown a bit more attached but as a 9 year old child I think it may be harder to bond (they aren’t going to run up to you and want you to play with them for example like a younger child may do).

Nothing wrong in how you feel though.

Oh of course, I do like them. I guess I was trying to convey that I’m not actively in the extreme part of any of those feeling groups either (which are things that I hear from other parents regularly) - maybe that came across wrong.

When your partner is the non-resident parent of a teenager or older child, I really think this is both normal and reasonable.

I haven't voted as I'm too conflicted. I think it's an utterly sad situation and I judge your husband harshly.
I have no respect for someone who'd set up home and family with someone indifferent to their 8 yo child. He felt sad about it, but not sad enough to choose better for his child. Terrible specimen ☹️.

This sounds good to me, you are ‘showing up’ more than most parents!

I think you may’ve interpreted this very differently to the reality. This isn’t an ‘outcast child left to fend for themselves’ scenario, my DH is a good man and good father.

You are young. Your relationship with your step child is young. I acquired a step parent when I was in my mid teens. I’m now in my 50s. For years we just rubbed along together but as we got to know each other as adults we discovered lots in common. I now really value my relationship with my step parent but we got close as adults.

Thank you, I appreciate this 🤍

I remember my Sil saying years ago she thought she loved her step children until she had her own child. I totally get it and you are not a bad person to feel like this. I would never get involved with a man who has younger children now I am single

I think it’s really sad after not knowing them since they were 8 you’ve not managed to create a connection with them. Seems like a huge lack of effort on your part.

This is basically exactly how I see it… thank you!

Same as a PP I've got friends children, cousins children etc all of whom I care about and love, I certainly don't feel indifferent to them just because they're not mine. I have to wonder why you maintained a relationship with someone with children if you really truly feel like this? you certainly don't have to parent them or provide for them but you could do more than feel indifference towards them? Do you like any children?

I think it’s nice if you can learn to love stepchildren but as long as you’re not actively horrible or cruel to them, that’s fine too. In the same way as some people can learn to get on with their in-laws, that’s nice too - but they’re not your actual mum and dad, of course the feelings can’t be the same.

Definitely not that there is no connection, we’re bonded by sharing a person who is very important to both of us. We have plenty of memories that’ve been created over the last 6 years too. Actually they should have no negative memories involving me telling them off or having arguments etc because I don’t get involved in any of that stuff, as I’ve said.