AIBU to feel entirely indifferent about my step child?

[ChangedMyName129]

Name changed and hard hat applied!

Surely it can’t just be me…

Step child is 14. They are fine, there is no drama, no trauma, no aggravation etc. I’ve been in their life for 6 years. Our relationship is surface level, but fine. Contact schedule is agreed, we are non-resident and CMS+ more is always paid.

They have 2 parents, none of which is me. I allow them two to do the parenting and do not get involved unless it’s discipline related to danger.

I can honestly say I don’t dread their visits, but in the same way I don’t look forward to them either - I feel completely indifferent. I would also say I don’t love them (in the same way I love my nieces & nephews), but I also don’t actively dislike them. I don’t “miss them” when they are not here, as I don’t have those unconditional parental feelings towards them.

Holidays are slightly strained, mainly as step child is quite insular and is definitely introverted (exact opposite to me and spouse), I’m not sure how much this opposing personality dynamic has to do with the lack of bond I think I feel…

They are almost just another person who spends time in my home on a regular basis. We do “normal” family activities, we converse, they contribute to the household and have chores and boundaries, there is no bad feeling at all. We spend time with their extended family in the form of PIL. When they were younger we did all the age appropriate stuff, now they are older they mainly just want to sit on their phone.

I’m not a horrible person at all; I have a large, close family and circle of friends, model good adult behaviours and ensure to instil the difference between right and wrong, and a good moral compass. I have a good job and work hard. But, yeh, is this other people’s experience of step parenting or am I an outlier?

I see all this stuff about “you must treat your DSC as your own”, or people fighting over weddings where the step child is no relation to the marrying couple thus has not received an invitation and I think people are living in a parallel universe sometimes. My parents know step child, they buy Christmas/birthday presents, an Easter egg, an advent calendar etc etc - but do they consider them a grandchild, absolutely not.

Worth noting - there are no other children involved currently so this is not a blended family situation, however myself and my spouse are looking to (hopefully) have a couple of our own children in the near future. Step child was born when spouse was only 17 so appreciate the age gap will be huge and there’s unlikely to be a close sibling bond there either.

Fair enough. Like I said, I wasn't judging. I don't think you dislike her, just that there doesn't seem to be any actual warmth there. The word "indifferent" implies you don't care about her.

I know it can be hard to force a feeling.

I’ll be honest that I find it a bit unnerving that you have no feelings for them when they are the child of the man you love - and indeed that they are a child. I care a lot about my friends kids and I grew up with much younger half siblings whose mother was the stepmother from hell, but I love the half siblings just like normal siblings and never blamed them for their mother’s genuinely abusive actions because they were just lovely kids. For me, not having an emotional connection to a child that is your life that much is a bit of a red flag - to the extent id consider whether you really do want your own or not (my stepmother was clearly convinced it would be different with her own kids but that was also super toxic).

@worriedmum88 why are you being so daft? Why should not we have children together? You can’t just put children on a pedestal and make them king and queen. Why shouldn’t they have siblings and share bedrooms? Lots of children share. I shared when I was a child, I survived!? Stupid reply.

100%! He always was self centred and always will be. I've told my niece not to bother trying. The pair of them will die lonely with nobody to help them. They were indifferent and downright cruel to our mother when she was seriously ill and they've never bothered with our elderly dad, who now stays with me and my family.
Anyone who shuns their child for someone who's indifferent is disgusting. If a male had posted the exact same situation on here about a step child, I can bet he'd have been absolutely lambasted!

@ChangedMyName129 I have a 13 year old stepson who sounds similar in personality to yours. I have been in his life since he was 3.

Honestly I think age is a huge factor here. I have some wonderful memories from DSS’s earlier childhood when I felt we were ‘closer’ (in the context of the fact that he has a wonderful mum and dad and I am NOT his parent.)

The tween and teenage years have been entirely different though, and I also feel something like indifference at the moment, mainly because as you described all he really wants to do is sit in his room on a console or his phone, despite our best efforts to do other activities as a family.

This too shall pass I think. He will grow and change and so will our relationship. Like yours, my DSS is loved and cared for. It’s a tricky relationship to navigate and if we are doing our best, we are doing enough.

I think that is fine, I mean they are not related, if you broke up with the parent, you'd probably never see the child again, as long as you're not cruel, indifferent is fine.

One of my close friends is a step-mum. Her DSS was 11 when she married his dad and the teenage years were challenging to say the least. She found it quite difficult and I would say her feelings were similar to yours. Then she had her own child and over time, seeing the bond between her own child and his half-brother, meant that she became very fond of DSS. He is now married and she is very close to him, at his wedding he raised a toast to her as his 'mum' which had guests in tears (his own mum sadly passed away). My friend regards his children as her grandchildren and they are treated as such by her family.

She once told me difference in her feelings for the two boys is that she loved her own child instinctively whereas with DSS that love grew over time and just crept up on her.

It doesn't sound as if things will pan out like this for you tbh but as a PP said, the dynamic may change a bit when/if you have your own children and your stepchild hopefully forges a relationship with their half siblings.

It sounds like you do care about her, which is really what’s important!

If DH was only 17 when she was born, what is the age gap between you and SD? I think I would find it difficult to feel maternal about someone who was born when I was a teenager, no matter how much I cared about them

I wouldn’t say YABU, because you feel what you feel. But for me? I don’t feel like that. I have no dc by choice but DSD has been a most unexpected and really fantastic addition to my life. I love her and would do anything for her, even though she’s all grown up now!

My parents were single. I'm sure with the child the feeling is mutual. In my opinion there is a cut off point when you like your parents partner, that is about age 7. After that, they are just someone who is in the way. Non of my Dad's partner's patents treated us like grandchildren, why would they? They didn't even know me.

The only thing is that once you have your own family, men tend to focus on the new family and leave the first child out, and it sounds like you would be ok with that. I know someone whose Dad 'Rocketmanned' him like this and it does hurt. He is not considered part of the family as much as he wants to be. The children get reminded he is only 'half brother' for no reason. He probably won't get any inheritance. The best you can do is step back and let your partner spend time with his child on his own, including holidays, to improve their bond. You would just be in the way and taking away his attention really.These men who have kids young can end up treating their first like a sibling instead of being the father they are supposed to be.

This. The child has 2 parents already, they sound like good parents. Being welcome in their father's home, and being able to get along with you, sounds like more than enough to me.

A 9yo would never have expected you to act like a parent, I don't think. I met DP when his son was 14 and am in a similar situation. I welcome him into our home (he's an adult now) when he visits, and we get on perfectly fine, but the relationship is very much DP's responsibility.

My DIL died when my Grandson was under a year old. He is two now and at some point my son will hopefully meet another partner.
To me my Grandson is the most adorable and loveable child to walk this earth, appreciate I may be a tad biased though. Makes me quite sad to read some of the comments about not being able to love step children in the same way as they are not "yours". Do the circumstances and age of child make a difference?

This is completely normal and you’re probably on the more positive end of the scale as to how you feel about your step child.

Most people dread them coming and feel like they have a guest staying in the house whilst they’re there, even if they admit it or not.

You love your Grandson because he is your son’s child, he is genetically related to you so of course you’re biased as to your thoughts towards the subject.

Until you’re in the situation of being a step parent you will never understand just how hard it is. You are literally raising a child that isn’t yours genetically and most of the time you can’t do right from wrong even though you’re putting in a huge amount of effort. It’s often a thankless job.

Why do you think you feel differently about your step child than your nieces and nephews? I’m very curious.

There’s a huge spectrum between loving them like your own child and feeling neutral. I think it’s really sad to not feel affectionate and bonded in a way that you would really miss them if you and your husband split up. I feel sorry for the kid, even if it’s not a “poor kid” situation they still obviously know that they don’t bring you joy. But you can’t force it, any negative impact on the child is on your DH, not you.

I am a stepchild who got a stepmum and step siblings aged 14 and they became a real family to me. It wasn’t/isn't the same as the relationship with my biological mum and siblings but we deeply love/d each other (using mixed tenses as my stepmum died some years ago which was devastating).

The fact there is not another mother for the child might help but it is very hard to love another child like your own. I think it’s particularly really hard for women if they have a child of their own because you have a point of comparison and that bond you have with a child you’ve carried, birthed and cared for is (for most women) all- consuming.

What’s with the mum wanting ‘me time’ comment.
if they at some point come to live with their dad full time would he and you not want some ‘me time’ even if the DC weren’t massively fussed about going to see their mum?

Genuine question?

Honestly the response to your question would be massively different in different forums. On mumsnet you will find a lot of negativity towards your approach, on Nacho parenting forums you would receive a lot of positivity as that focuses more on the parents being the parents and step-parents being supportive but more distant - Google it if you’re not already aware of Nacho parenting!

IMO YANBU - you can only do you and everyone’s situation is different - you can’t force a bond in all situations.

I am the one washing and ironing uniforms, and buying birthday presents and arranging activities.

What a shame their actual dad can’t do that.

No judgement from me. I had a step mother and was indifferent to her too. Afterall, as a child in this sort of scenario, you don’t get to choose who your dad ends up with. Which is why I always disagree on here with stepmums who get uptight because their husbands dcs don’t invite them to weddings, or to sit at the top table. Just because my dad chose a life partner, it didn’t mean I’d love them, or even like them.

What do you really mean when you say 'indifferent' though? There's a lot of mileage between loving SC as your own and disliking them. I suspect you are quite fond of them really but not in a 'gushy' way. More like a practical way. It's clear you would help them with something if they needed it. You are obviously kind to them.

Any fool can blather on about loving the SC but it is your actions that count.

Are you? I’ve been with DH since DSD was 2, her Mum met her partner when she was 3, and we’ve never been anything other than civil and friendly. We all do her birthdays, school events, etc together and she has a great relationship with all four of us. Her Mum has always welcomed my presence in her life (as has DH with DSDs step dad) and I’ve never felt like I should ‘keep my nose out’. DH and his ex were badly suited, not bad people but young and stupid and bad partners to each other. DH is a great husband to me and she’s a great partner to her partner and both of them are fantastic parents. No one is bitter or angry or taking out their feelings on the step parents. Some adults are capable of adulting!

I wonder if, in an attempt to explain how you feel, you’ve come off colder than you really are. I sort of get what you mean, my niece on my husband’s side is just another small child to me, but my in-laws act like I must love her like they do. I show interest in her, I choose thoughtful presents, I take her places, I listen to her and play games with her….but (and I feel guilty saying this out loud) it’s all a bit of an act. I do only see her 2-3 times a year though and I would never say it to anyone in real life.

@Lardychops they absolutely wouldn’t be able to live here full time. We aren’t near their schools and like I’ve said they share bedrooms. At home, they have their friends nearby and have their own rooms. The “me time” comment is because they are 15 and 13 and don’t “need” looking after but she wants them out the house for two nights, understandably however, they the children make it clear they want to be at home more and it’s ignored, is a bit sad. They come over and aren’t happy. We’ve tried our best, I take my step daughter out; I’ve taken them on holidays without their dad as he’s had to work, I’ve included them in my family for all special occasions, so it’s not like they’ve been made to feel unwelcome as it’s simply not true, they have just shown a preference as to where they want to be the majority of the time and it’s ignored. I feel this is a bit sad considering they are unhappy. I have a great relationship with them but they simply prefer being at home with mum.

Congratulations…. However its nothing that you did And you’re extremely lucky that that’s how the bio mother has decided to play it.

It’s not in your control, You aren’t clever with your “Adulting”.