AIBU to feel entirely indifferent about my step child?

[ChangedMyName129]

Name changed and hard hat applied!

Surely it can’t just be me…

Step child is 14. They are fine, there is no drama, no trauma, no aggravation etc. I’ve been in their life for 6 years. Our relationship is surface level, but fine. Contact schedule is agreed, we are non-resident and CMS+ more is always paid.

They have 2 parents, none of which is me. I allow them two to do the parenting and do not get involved unless it’s discipline related to danger.

I can honestly say I don’t dread their visits, but in the same way I don’t look forward to them either - I feel completely indifferent. I would also say I don’t love them (in the same way I love my nieces & nephews), but I also don’t actively dislike them. I don’t “miss them” when they are not here, as I don’t have those unconditional parental feelings towards them.

Holidays are slightly strained, mainly as step child is quite insular and is definitely introverted (exact opposite to me and spouse), I’m not sure how much this opposing personality dynamic has to do with the lack of bond I think I feel…

They are almost just another person who spends time in my home on a regular basis. We do “normal” family activities, we converse, they contribute to the household and have chores and boundaries, there is no bad feeling at all. We spend time with their extended family in the form of PIL. When they were younger we did all the age appropriate stuff, now they are older they mainly just want to sit on their phone.

I’m not a horrible person at all; I have a large, close family and circle of friends, model good adult behaviours and ensure to instil the difference between right and wrong, and a good moral compass. I have a good job and work hard. But, yeh, is this other people’s experience of step parenting or am I an outlier?

I see all this stuff about “you must treat your DSC as your own”, or people fighting over weddings where the step child is no relation to the marrying couple thus has not received an invitation and I think people are living in a parallel universe sometimes. My parents know step child, they buy Christmas/birthday presents, an Easter egg, an advent calendar etc etc - but do they consider them a grandchild, absolutely not.

Worth noting - there are no other children involved currently so this is not a blended family situation, however myself and my spouse are looking to (hopefully) have a couple of our own children in the near future. Step child was born when spouse was only 17 so appreciate the age gap will be huge and there’s unlikely to be a close sibling bond there either.

This is not a judgement as I'm clearly in the minority, but I find it personally odd that so many people are completely indifferent to children who they're not personally related to. If the child is "appealing" (for want of a better word) and they are your partner's flesh and blood, I don't understand this indifference and lack of care. Aren't you even fond of them a little bit?

Not in this situation but I can see how you would not feel a bond as such. But, there are other dynamics of relationships, like friendship and enjoying spending time with someone. It sounds like you have been a decent 'stepmother' providing what is needed. But how have you been through the past three years, as the adult ai would expect the adult to make more effort then the child to make a relationship like this work.
Teens are a bit hard though, they live in their own world and actual biological parents find it hard to break through to them.
They will change again though in late teens and if you are going to have more children it would be nice for them to know their half sister well. So keep trying, the relationship could be really nice as she gets older and stops being a moody teen and might even bloom into a friendship when she is a young woman. It would be a shame to give up on it and think this is how it always is going to be.

I actually think it's fine. They have two parents. Of course you won't love your step child as much as a birth child. People saying otherwise are lying to themselves imo 🤷 It sounds like you have a pleasant and positive relationship without stepping into a mother role, which you don't need to, as the child has a mother. Also, bonding with an 8yo is very different to a SC who has been with you since age 1, in which case you naturally have a closer bond. As long as you show up for you step child and treat them with kindness and love through your actions, you don't have to literally love them.

Genetics and biology matter. You should absolutely treat step children the same in terms of gifts, include them, etc, but unless you've raised them from birth, if you break up, chances are you won't see your step child again. We are primed to prioritise our own children. You can't force a feeling.

You are not being unreasonable. You are being honest with yourself. I know some stepparents do feel a bond but I would imagine a lot do not. Your step child has two parents and it sounds like you have enabled them to have time with their father. It's very understandable that you don't have maternal feelings towards them.

Being indifferent to someone doesn’t mean you dislike them…

I think a PP nailed it, I am a positive but neutral part of SCs life. They have two parents, I’m more of a guidance layer if required.

I guess for me the indifference is more about the fact that I’m acutely aware SC comes to see DH, not me (rightly so too!). And if DH and I split up then I would likely never see SC again, this sounds like it may not be the norm for some people but in my reality this is exactly what happens when step families then have to endure another break up.

Reminds me of my niece. She had a fab relationship with her dad (my brother) until he met his now wife. My niece is still very close to me, my husband, son and my dad but her dad stopped contacting her as his wife was indifferent and she picked this up. Poor girl tried her best to build a relationship with her and tried so hard to stay in touch with her dad. I think jealousy had a lot to do with it. My niece was diagnosed with cancer five years ago and her dad called her once to ask how she was. His wife didn't even ask after her at all. Needless to say I've disowned the pair of them. And I'm so glad they didn't have any kids together. Anyone male or female who marries someone with a child or children should behave like a loving parent, not someone who only intervenes when their step child is naughty.

I think this is true too @Alwayslurkingsometimesposting.
I don’t think I was that bothered about kids at all in my twenties. Then I started to like some of my closest friends’babies then had my own and became really fond of lots of my DD’s close friends too. just started to like kids more.
maybe that will happen - maybe it won’t - it sounds like you’re still decent and kind SM.

I think the sc feel the same tbh. My dc couldn’t care less about dads gf and weren’t bothered if they met her or not. They certainly don’t want to hang out at her house and would rather see their dad on their own.
i was a shy introverted child except at home with close family so I imagine he doesn’t feel comfortable either. I would have hated going to someone else’s house so regularly.

I had a very similar experience when i got together with exDH. His son was about 10 at the time, a perfectly nice kid who we didn’t really see that often. I more than tolerated his visits, but we were never close. I had DD when he was 16 so a very big age gap for him and her.

He’s always been a fantastic big brother to her (they don’t see each other very often - she is now 12 and he’s 28 and lives abroad!), and I’ve grown to like him enormously as an adult. He is kind and gentle to his sister and genuinely good company. She in turn adores him.

Just saying that if your relationship is for keeps, don’t be surprised if your feelings change for the better, but it’s really not a problem if you’re indifferent to your stepchild at present.

I think some people form attachments to children more easily than others.

Our next door neighbours 15 years ago moved in with a baby and left when the baby was 10 and her younger sister was 7. I still miss them! They were lovely girls who would chat to me and sometimes come and play when we had our own children.

I am very fond of a few of my children's friends as well and would absolutely miss them if I didn't see them again.

I do agree that the idea of loving them as your own is unrealistic for most but I also think total indifference to anyone you spent this much time with is unusual

I find it unnerving that you can spend that much time with a child and be ambivalent to them. That child is 50% of the person you love and yet you can't find any geniune feelings of affection towards them?
Personally I'd find it very hard to allow you around my child longterm. I'm surprised your husband chose to build a family unit that way but he clearly doesn't feel as strongly.

Yes I completely agree with this. Very sad that it is seen as at all normal to be indifferent around about a child who you spend so much time with and who is the most important person in your husband's life.

Me too. It was very clear my stepfather really didn't want me and my sibling around. My case was far more extreme than OPs as stepF actually went as far as ignoring me completely for the entire time I had to live under the same roof as him. 11 years.

The rejection I felt has lingered and has had a long lasting effect on me and made me adamant I would never get into a relationship with a man with children for fear of ever making a child feel the way I did.

YANBU OP, you sound like a decent person, you can't force yourself to love someone else's child and it won't be long before your DHs DC will have flown the nest making everyone's lives simpler to a degree but his child will always be his child and should always be a important to him as my subsequent children.

I do wish more people were aware of the potential, huge pitfalls of having a relationship with someone with children still living at home and the long term psychological effects on the children. I'll never get over how my stepfather treated me.

Funny now that I'm dealing with another psycho stepparent in the form of MIL (my husband's stepmother) and her blatant resentment of my DH, another example of blended families just not 'blending' despite how well the adults think they've handled it. Usually they haven't handled it well at all, blindly putting their carnal desires before everything else.

Here we go MN! Are you ready to rumble?!?!

I don’t have step children, but I think the bonding you do with your own newborn baby is on another level. They are elevated to a level of love you have for them that is just beyond anything. I can’t imagine recreating that with another person that wasn’t my own child. I have nieces and nephews that I love, but after giving birth I know the love I have for my own child is out of this world.

I think this is a fairly common experience and it’s not unreasonable that it’s not recreated with someone else’s child.

Your feelings seem completely normal and expected to me.

I think some people are capable of loving children who aren't their own biological family and others are not. It's just one of those things and you can't help how you feel -

It is a bit sad though because you are an adult who is part of this child's family, in his home, the partner of his dad. I would imagine it might sting a bit to have an adult regularly in his life who feels completely neutral about him, even if his mum and dad are wonderful parents.

Boggles the mind really that any right-thinking parent could forge ahead with a relationship in these circumstances.

I think it shows an underlying selfishness that he pushed past his sadness to continue this relationship to the detriment of his child.

Who wants to endure indifference in what is meant to be their other home?

Well, that story undid me. Sobbing. So touching to read something so wholesome.

A neutral relationship sounds fine to me. Unless you actively dislike them and inwardly resent their presence as they will feel that.

Perhaps it's more likely to be different when you've helped raise them from very small?

I’m obviously at odds with a lot of posters here, but positive, neutral, supportive, not parental literally describes to me how a step parent relationship would work the best. So, so often these relationships fail when the step parent tries to take a bio parent role for a child who doesn’t want it. “You’re not my mum” is a cliche because it’s true!

Not really, you’re reminded to keep your nose out when they are little, people (bio mums) chill out a bit as the child grows older (sometimes)

Completely understand how you feel as a step parent myself, in fact I’d say you sounds like a fantastic caring and supportive step parent, there are certainly times when I feel less than warm towards my step children and I don’t think that’s unusual either.

Having more kids when you're not going to have room to house the kids your husband already has is really selfish from your DH in my opinion.

Can't blame the kids for not wanting to be there really!

I think the relationship OP has sounds fine but the test will be if more children come along.

I'm a step parent and also have a 3 year old. Probably won't have anymore kids as won't have room for them all!

As someone who is a stepchild I am honestly struggling to understand exactly why you are worried. You are friendly and pleasant to your step child. I am sure you will be a listening ear should they need it but maintain a boundary that you are not their parent. Sounds like you are doing a great job. My step father has been in my life since I was about 11 so 35 years ish. He’s great but he’s never ever been my dad nor has he ever acted like my dad. We have never had a touchy feely relationship but he’s a calming easy going man. I love him dearly but he’s not my dad and he has never treated me as his biological daughter- there is a boundary that we never crossed. We have a different sort of relationship that has grown as we have aged. You are doing great - honestly stop worrying. Your relationship will grow into its own thing.