AIBU to feel entirely indifferent about my step child?

[ChangedMyName129]

Name changed and hard hat applied!

Surely it can’t just be me…

Step child is 14. They are fine, there is no drama, no trauma, no aggravation etc. I’ve been in their life for 6 years. Our relationship is surface level, but fine. Contact schedule is agreed, we are non-resident and CMS+ more is always paid.

They have 2 parents, none of which is me. I allow them two to do the parenting and do not get involved unless it’s discipline related to danger.

I can honestly say I don’t dread their visits, but in the same way I don’t look forward to them either - I feel completely indifferent. I would also say I don’t love them (in the same way I love my nieces & nephews), but I also don’t actively dislike them. I don’t “miss them” when they are not here, as I don’t have those unconditional parental feelings towards them.

Holidays are slightly strained, mainly as step child is quite insular and is definitely introverted (exact opposite to me and spouse), I’m not sure how much this opposing personality dynamic has to do with the lack of bond I think I feel…

They are almost just another person who spends time in my home on a regular basis. We do “normal” family activities, we converse, they contribute to the household and have chores and boundaries, there is no bad feeling at all. We spend time with their extended family in the form of PIL. When they were younger we did all the age appropriate stuff, now they are older they mainly just want to sit on their phone.

I’m not a horrible person at all; I have a large, close family and circle of friends, model good adult behaviours and ensure to instil the difference between right and wrong, and a good moral compass. I have a good job and work hard. But, yeh, is this other people’s experience of step parenting or am I an outlier?

I see all this stuff about “you must treat your DSC as your own”, or people fighting over weddings where the step child is no relation to the marrying couple thus has not received an invitation and I think people are living in a parallel universe sometimes. My parents know step child, they buy Christmas/birthday presents, an Easter egg, an advent calendar etc etc - but do they consider them a grandchild, absolutely not.

Worth noting - there are no other children involved currently so this is not a blended family situation, however myself and my spouse are looking to (hopefully) have a couple of our own children in the near future. Step child was born when spouse was only 17 so appreciate the age gap will be huge and there’s unlikely to be a close sibling bond there either.

When you remember the case of that little boy who was murdered by the stepmother I don’t think I personally would risk having a living relationship with anybody until the child was at least at secondary school if it was me.

I think a lot of DC do not actually want a step parent trying to become a surrogate/third parent.

I think you are utterly normal OP. I think its fine to have what I'd consider a "teacher-ish" level of regard for them - you like them and enjoy pleasant interactions, are pleased for them when they do well, support them to learn and grow and have regard for their wellbeing. But you don't have to have a strong feeling of love for them.

I knew I was likely to feel that way so actively looked at dating people without children (which was difficult as I started properly dating when finishing travel at 30, so many had children).
I would always be warm and welcoming and have worked with children for many years so have that nurturing side, but I knew I likely wouldn’t feel a proper connection.
It sounds as though you’re doing all the right things though.

Sounds completely normal. You are doing your best for them as well. You respect the parent boundaries and aren’t trying to be their parent. I bet the biological parent appreciates this because you put them first for their child.

I think this will be quite hurtful for them when you have your own DC and they realise you treated them differently.

Also I think you've probably under-estimated how they feel about you- the fact that you've helped them when they shy and anxious will have had a huge impact. As you say, they are introverted so they are unlikely to share as expressively the depth of this feeling.

Also you may end up not liking your own adult DC (it can happen).

I'm not judging you but I think you it's strange to compare the situations and expect that it would be the same (appreciate that's social conditioning and expectation).

However there's a bond and it will be very hurtful if you drop them for a new family - there will be no coming back from that.

Your DH won't feel like you do - he won't want to shut his child out so you will need to accept this or there will be war. Given his DC will be an adult that may mitigate but he will still want to see them.

My dad's partner has always been brilliant at this - they met when I was an adult and she actively helps facilitate that I see my dad separately and have time together without her. I have a very close bond with my dad. I'm close to her too but in a different way.

Sounds like you may have a better relationship than you think. I wonder if you're expecting to 'feel' something really strong, which I don't think is necessarily reasonable. Being an interested caring adult in their life is fine.

Be mindful of considering their personality is the opposite of yours. Your future children will have their own personalities which may not resemble yours either. Doesn't make them any better or worse., just different.

My husband had his first child at a similar age. I’ve been in her life since she was 3 years old. She’s 34 now. I do love her but not in the way I love my own children, I’ve never been indifferent to her though.. There was very little drama with her growing up. She came for weekends and holidays and we did stuff during the week too. We have 3 of our own children. They’re all very close despite the age gap .

I think whilst you don’t share any children with your partner it’s probably quite a nice uncomplicated situation. If you have children I think it will become a lot less straightforward. This person you feel indifferent to will be your child’s sibling.

Also, your DH will have more than one child who he will be juggling in terms of their needs.

maybe it will remain uncomplicated but I’d be careful.

I also can’t help but feel really sorry for your step child. I’ve lived with family and I’ve lived with housemates who acted as you’ve described, and even as an adult I could see how much nicer it was living with people who genuinely love you. I can’t imagine being a child and having to live in a house with someone who didn’t genuinely love me. It’s sad.

My own behaviour is 100% in my control and some women who meet men with children choose to act like arseholes. As do some of the children’s Mums when an ex moves on. As do some of the men who become shit Dads when they meet someone new. All of us chose to be child centred and put her first. I don’t see them as “clever” choices however, more like the bare minimum a child deserves!

And as I said your behaviour is a reaction to how the others have behaved. Had they behave differently, you no doubt would’ve behaved differently.
You can criticise other people and congratulate yourself if it makes you feel good.

i don’t believe I criticised anyone, merely pointed out that it’s possible to all just act like adults. My behaviour is never a reaction to the behaviour of others, I behave in the way I know to be right and I’d have treated my DSD the exact same way regardless of the exWs opinion on the situation. I’m not saying some people don’t have it hard and probably get angry etc but would you really let other peoples choices control you to the extent that your own behaviours change? I’m a teacher, if I let my behaviour get out of line in response to the poor choices of others (kids and parents!) I’d be sacked pretty quickly!

It's definitely different when they get to teenage years. Little kids are often sweet and loving (not always obviously), and the effects of teenage hormones often make it a challenge for their parents to like them, let alone someone who is not actually related to them. It helps a bit if you have known them since they were little and you can remember the child they were. When they become adults, your relationship can move on again.

On the other hand, I have been in my partner's son's life (though I don't actually live with them thank goodness ) since he was 15, and tbh I was a great deal fonder of him when he was a teen than I am now he's nearly 22. Hopefully he'll grow out of being such a total arse.

I think there may be a whole lot of bio moms who don’t know what it is like to be a SM and just expect other women to feel the same way about their children as they do simply because they married or partnered with the same man. It really is a lot more complex than that and I feel as long as there is kindness, and consideration and a mutual respect for everyone’s varying roles in a blended family then what really is the problem? This surely is its own kind of love?

And I think being a good SM is more akin to being a good friend than being a good mother especially if mum is still in the picture. I’m not interested in raising someone else’s children when they have a mother and a father already. This in most cases just leads to the very dysfunction most people complain about in step families.

Some kids have it easier and their parents remain happily married but some kids have to learn to adjust to a new way of life and trying to pretend this isn’t the case by making new step parents fit a certain mould just creates 2 mums and 2 dads often with different parenting styles and different ‘rules’ and who needs that?

If everyone were genuinely that concerned about keeping things easy for kids then they either wouldn’t split up in the first place, would never couple up again or wouldn’t have kids out of wedlock or long term partnerships to avoid the potential of having to deal with a step parent.

The best you can hope for is that your child’s step parent is kind to them and treats them as though they belong. There are far worse situations for your child to be in. I have a vested interest in the well being of my SC because they are my husbands children and I love him and he loves them. Any damage I do to their relationship by being the text book evil step mother will only hurt him and possibly hurt my relationship. I trust him to parent them well and I support him in that by being a stable guiding adult in our household. And we have fun too but they know they have an adult friend in me as they do in other adults in our circle and a mother in their mother and our roles are not the same.

How does your DH view/feel about your relationship with SC?

I have been a 'step-parent', but the biggest difference to most women in this situation, is the children lived permanently with their Dad and not their Mum. Therefore I was the primary carer giver and did all the things a Mum would do for them. I didn't have any children of my own at that time (I was early 20s) and we didn't have children together. They both could be difficult, no boundaries or discipline at that point. I had to create boundaries/discipline as my now ex worked full-time and I looked after the boys, whilst working part-time. It was a really tough time, but I did love the boys and felt so much guilt when my partner and I split up. Both boys are now grown adults with their own families and we do keep in touch. I went on to marry myself and have a 14 year old - having my own child I absolutely love unconditionally. My exes two boys, I am obviously still very fond of, but do I love them equally to my son? No, I don't.

Sorry I am posting a lot today 😂

I also find it quite ironic how child centered MN generally is whilst generally also so quick to tell women to leave their husbands because he can’t load the dishwasher… Where do you think all these children and men are going to end up? I’ll tell you. In families with new step moms just like you who are impatient and intolerant and think life revolves around them and their own children to the detriment of their step children.

It’s like society has perpetuated their own problems.

You’re absolutely spot on. I have to bite my tongue a lot when I read posts from people being advised to break up their families over stupid minor ridiculous events.
How well do they think those children are going to turn out? What stresses and strains and unnecessary trauma of those kids gonna be put through because Dad didn’t empty the fucking dishwasher

And then they moan because the new SM doesn’t ’love’ their child…

I think if your exH finds a new wife who simply treats your child with kindness and leaves the parenting up to you… you should count yourself lucky, she could be moaning and kicking off about dishwashers etc….