AIBU to feel entirely indifferent about my step child?

[ChangedMyName129]

Name changed and hard hat applied!

Surely it can’t just be me…

Step child is 14. They are fine, there is no drama, no trauma, no aggravation etc. I’ve been in their life for 6 years. Our relationship is surface level, but fine. Contact schedule is agreed, we are non-resident and CMS+ more is always paid.

They have 2 parents, none of which is me. I allow them two to do the parenting and do not get involved unless it’s discipline related to danger.

I can honestly say I don’t dread their visits, but in the same way I don’t look forward to them either - I feel completely indifferent. I would also say I don’t love them (in the same way I love my nieces & nephews), but I also don’t actively dislike them. I don’t “miss them” when they are not here, as I don’t have those unconditional parental feelings towards them.

Holidays are slightly strained, mainly as step child is quite insular and is definitely introverted (exact opposite to me and spouse), I’m not sure how much this opposing personality dynamic has to do with the lack of bond I think I feel…

They are almost just another person who spends time in my home on a regular basis. We do “normal” family activities, we converse, they contribute to the household and have chores and boundaries, there is no bad feeling at all. We spend time with their extended family in the form of PIL. When they were younger we did all the age appropriate stuff, now they are older they mainly just want to sit on their phone.

I’m not a horrible person at all; I have a large, close family and circle of friends, model good adult behaviours and ensure to instil the difference between right and wrong, and a good moral compass. I have a good job and work hard. But, yeh, is this other people’s experience of step parenting or am I an outlier?

I see all this stuff about “you must treat your DSC as your own”, or people fighting over weddings where the step child is no relation to the marrying couple thus has not received an invitation and I think people are living in a parallel universe sometimes. My parents know step child, they buy Christmas/birthday presents, an Easter egg, an advent calendar etc etc - but do they consider them a grandchild, absolutely not.

Worth noting - there are no other children involved currently so this is not a blended family situation, however myself and my spouse are looking to (hopefully) have a couple of our own children in the near future. Step child was born when spouse was only 17 so appreciate the age gap will be huge and there’s unlikely to be a close sibling bond there either.

Complete relate! I have two step children 15 and 13. I don’t dread their visits but don’t get excited either. We have got two children together so slightly different. They come over twice a week, sit and are bored. We don’t live in the town that they do and I can tell they just want to be out with their friends as the 15 year old is moody and always says her friends are going out without her. My DH will of course take her to where she wants to go but she just wants to hang out and not be anywhere but in the town and her home. Her friends are allowed to go into her house etc etc.
This means they come and see quite moody, rude. No please or thank you. They ignore their younger half siblings, and can be quite mean.
tbh I would rather they didn’t come twice a week - for this reason. They would also rather they didn’t too. Their mother however, wants her “me” time and insists they come. My DH has suggested they come for a bit then go home instead of sleeping, their mother doesn’t want that. They also have to share with their younger siblings. We have a three bed house, each of our children has their own room with bunk beds and the step children go in one each. Two Boys and two girls so it’s the only way it works. They go to bed at 7:30 and 8pm where ad 15 and 13 don’t so they are downstairs moody because they can’t be in their rooms chatting to their friends. It’s not an easy situation and like I said, I don’t dread it but it’s not practical. We cannot get a bigger house and even if we did go for a 4 bed, two would still have to share and we certainly cannot afford a 5! My parents are the same, but gifts birthdays/christmas/easter etc.
My point is, you’re not awful at all and whatever works, but it will be even more difficult when you have more children. Best of luck!

I definitely do like children, yes. I have nieces, nephews, godchildren and plenty of friends and wider family children in my regular network. And I’ve never said I didn’t like my step child.

we’re bonded by sharing a person who is very important to both of us
That's not a bond, just how you both know someone.

I've neither misinterpreted the reality, nor assumed the child is an outcast. Your OP says you're indifferent to the child.

As a parent myself, I would not choose a partner that is indifferent to my child.

As a stepdaughter, I'm highly appreciative of the love and care my stepfather has treated me with in the 30 years he's been in my life. As such, my bar for a partner would be higher than indifferent.

My stepsons were 12 and 14 when I married their father. The 14 year old moved in with us shortly after our own child was born, the other one moved in when the older one left at 18.
I am fond of them but I don’t love them. They were always polite to me but teenagers aren’t the easiest. I was there and supportive but we weren’t ever close in that they never confided in me or anything. My DH passed away shortly after the youngest SS left for uni and my kids were small. I initially made quite a bit of effort to stay connected as they were half siblings to my kids, and I still see them on occasion (they are in their 30s with kids of their own), but they didn’t really make too much effort with mine as they got older, even when I reached out to them when my son was a teenager.
I feel I treated them fine - I never resented them or anything. When someone asked me at one of their weddings if I was X’s stepmother my answer in my head was no, as I didn’t really recognise the ‘mother’ part.

I'm not sure where I stand on this, I'm not a stepparent, but my son has one. She's lovely to him, says she loves him, and I've often thought that I wouldn't be bothered if she DIDN'T love him, as long as she was kind to him (which she definitely is, my son is really happy spending time with his dad and her). But if she was 'indifferent' to him, I'm not sure how I'd feel. And, similarly, if I was in a relationship with someone who felt 'indifferent' to my son, I definitely wouldn't be marrying him and planning more children.

I’ve come across this scenario a lot through other friends and their blended families. It doesn’t currently affect us but only because SC doesn’t see a lot of friends outside of school hours unfortunately (we have tried to encourage this and extra curricular activities but they are not keen).

Aahh yes the great bedroom conundrum is another one I see on Mumsnet often too! Pleased to hear some normality in your response. Thanks!

It depends on the people involved. I love my DSD like she is mine but I met her Dad when she was 2, we married when she was 5 and he and his ex share 50:50 custody.

My DH and his sister were raised by his Dad and an “indifferent” SM and it showed in a variety of subtle ways that have impacted well into adult life. However, they are both very sensitive people and feel their feelings very deeply - DH says this has always been the case. I’m very resilient and pragmatic and I don’t think I’d have been similarly impacted by someone’s indifferent attitude towards me. If it’s working for you and your stepchild then it’s fine, but be aware that it can impact in ways you may not see.

You said you didn't love her. Which is absolutely fine! You're not a foster parent: she's got 2 parents who love her. You are being kind to her and I think you're being too hard on yourself. It's perfectly fine not to love a stepchild as long as you're nice to them. Sometimes I do not love my biological child (15) and I think that's fine too because I am there for him all the time when he needs me.

I also wonder if it’s about different personalities/ not having much in common. Also do all parents miss their children ? I wonder…as a parent you have responsibility, caring role, the necessity to do decisions, your child is a part of your life forever and it might look like you care a lot but I’m not sure all parents do.
You certainly have a better relationship with your stepchild than my dad had with me when I was 14. And if both parents are very involved whereas the space for you?

I’d hope I also fall into the kind category, not sure if you’ve read my other posts but I do actively try and play a guidance role in SC’s life - actively preparing them for adulthood is a goal.

Ah @ChangedMyName129 my mother met her husband, my step, when I was 15, married him when I was 21 in 1981!

He isn't unpleasant and neither am I. We simply have nothing whatsoever in common and share no blood. If I never saw him again it would not bother me in the slightest, nor him I think. My mother likes to pretend he and I have a relationship. We do not.

Hmmm maybe your husband shouldn't have had 2 more kids if the house wasn't big enough.

Seems really sad you both are trying to reduce their visits with their dad. He doesn't sound like he's winning best father of the year anytime soon.

It doesn't really matter how you, or your parents feel, it's the way you act, that counts, and as you are treating the child well and appropriately, the child will know no difference at the moment. If and when you have your own children, the difficulty will be, if there is a marked difference, that the child can see. Although the age gap may make that less obvious.
To love is a verb, it's the actions that count, and you may find that as time moves on, that there is a bond.

I don't blame you for not loving them, I would never have considered a man who already had children for the same reason.

But I think your DH would be a bad father if he had children with you, given your lack of feelings.

The arrival of half siblings is hard enough for children with a stepparent who has been committed to building a relationship with them. Seeing their dad live full time with his other children is tough on its own. They need to have already been treated as a full and equal part of the family, and feel completely comfortable in their relationship with both their parent and stepparent, before adding any more children is even considered.

Unless you're an Oscar level actress, there's no way you can fake treating your step and biological children as equal, not if you're indifferent to them before you even have biological children of your own.

If your DH would let his eldest be part of this dynamic, he's not a good enough dad to consider having children with.

It is not the child’s fault their parents split up and then got with the people and now they have to be toand fro between their parent and their new partners

I feel the same way about my SC.

It’s a whole lot better than a lot of the other terrible attitudes here on MN towards SC and SMs. Whilst I don’t approve of the absolute disdain some people have for each other I really don’t get the idea that you have to ‘fall in love’ with them either.

I am like this too but only since I had my own kids. Suspect I might have felt like the OP at 25. It's OK to feel this way OP; you are normal and not a monster

Surely it’s not me who would have to treat the children as equal though? It’s my DH. These hypothetical children would all belong to him, they wouldn’t all belong to me.

I’d certainly (hope!) I treat my biological children differently as I’d want to be one of their two active parents, that means the good and the bad - my SC has this too but from their parents, just not from me. And by the time any of this comes around SC could be close to being 16 regardless and well on their way into the next phase of their life. It’s not as if we’re talking about a 5 year old feeling ‘left out’.

This definitely resonates with me, thank you.

I would say I feel exactly the same. Step child is having contact this weekend. I don't love them, I have my own child to love. I also don't look forward nor not look forward to their visits. I have though, made sure dad has given them their pocket money and an opportunity to be able to spend it, given them alone time, arranged meals that I know they will enjoy, had a laugh and a joke with them and asked all about life at their mums and how they are. They are a perfectly lovely child who I have known since they were 3 but I dont have to love them.

Nobody ever said it was. In this scenario the parents were actually never together, so step child has never known a nuclear family unit to compare to.

nobody is placing any blame or disdain on the child here.

I think you are the closest equivalent to me currently, minus the biological children of course. I am the one washing and ironing uniforms, and buying birthday presents and arranging activities. While I may not actively parent, that definitely doesn’t mean I get to opt out of family admin and grunt work.

I feel sad for this child and even more so if they are anxious and shy 😔
You can’t force yourself to feel anything, but I find it quite odd. I care about other children besides my Dd..her friends, my friends kids, children I have taught… it’s so hard not to

You sound like a positive but neutral part of your DSC life, and imo that's no bad thing. If things get sticky - as can happen with teens - your DCS/DH might appreciate the fact you're not overly involved emotionally but can take a broader view.