AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

You need to stop doing the cooking, cleaning and washing up. Your DH should be doing that. What does her other son do for her? Does she visit him as often as this?

I'd start going out on a Sunday and leaving them to it.

OP, ignore all the martyrs, tell DH you are not cooking anymore so he needs to cook for and host MIL!

Please down tools now otherwise this is your every Sunday for life!

Why don’t you do your own bloody cooking? Or get your son to do it?

Which of your parents cooked?

But OP has said she’s stuck with the hosting,

She doesn’t want to it and that should mean something.

She’s not a robot FFS!

And you want to drag OP down too to the drudgery.

I would compromise and do every other week, then DH can go and take her for lunch in the weeks she is not coming to you .

My DH knows that if HE invites anyone he's responsible for the planning, cooking etc.

I don't get on with my MIL but think you are being a little unkind. Her husband only died 4 months ago. Could your DH be grieving too? As a PP said I would try and mix up the days a bit and maybe have her over once a fortnight? Could DH visit after work? Take the kids (not sure on ages) on a Sunday? Cooking a roast for one extra person isn't really any more work.

MIL is not the problem is it? You’re trying to resolve the fact your DH is lazy and you do everything for him, by blaming his mother.

He dies nothing towards Sunday lunch because you’ve always done it. Why has that been allowed?

I feel there are some unfair responses here. You have compassion, just don’t want the mental load of it all to yourself. Your husband should be involved in the shopping, cooking and cleaning as well. I think you need a blunt word with your husband, he needs to step up. An old MN line, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

That is just so unthoughtful OP, in these circumstances. DH is wanting to look after his mum, it’s early days and so soon after losing her DH. My late MIL was round every Sunday for years after losing FIL, never ever once begrudged it, Sunday was a difficult day for her, I am sure others were too of course. Take care of your MIL at this vulnerable time.

Op, Yes I am cooking the dinner regardless but I feel stuck in the kitchen, having to entertain as well

One more person at the table is only adding a couple of minutes to anyone’s prep/doing the dishes etc. And do you really have to entertain your MIL - doesn’t she just come round, hang out, make herself at home, play with the kids, do a crossword? Just let her have the comfort of being in amongst the family

I would hate having to host every Sunday evening. I never like to have guests in the house at that time so we can get ready for the busy week.

Yes, to her coming around for dinner once a week but no to YOU cooking for a guest every Sunday evening.

Your DH needs to do it and perhaps on another day of the week.

Many of us would cook differently for ourselves than we would for guests, especially if you were hosting someone from another generation who may have different expectations about the meal. I always make something easy on Sunday evening. I also like some time to myself on Sunday evening due to the fact I never get a minute alone at work all week.

I’m happy to do something with DH family every Sunday, but not Sunday evening.

Not only has your MIL lost her husband but your OH has lost his dad. Naturally he is going to want to look out for his mum.
I suspect your main grievance is that you feel out of control……he doesn’t check with you when inviting her and you do the cooking. You could suggest that you all go out on a Sunday sometimes, spend the day together, have lunch, go to the seaside, visit one of the UK beautiful national parks. You could even take a picnic if restaurants don’t appeal.
Be kind to them both and show MIL some love, compassion and respect, you might be a widow one day………….

Make plans to go out and tel him he needs to cook.and entertain. Do the other siblings never invite her round? He is doing a nice thing but it shouldn't be on you to cook and host every week

I do my own bloody cooking... my son is 4 🤣🤣

Tell him what he needs to do to help pull his weight. After dinner, suggest you and MIL have a glass of wine while he does the dishes.

Remember though he's lost his Dad. Next Sunday is Father Day assuming your in the UK.

Try and protect one Sunday a month just for you.

My dad died out of the blue last Summer, my husband has included her in so much we have done since as a family without my asking. Thankfully we married good people!

My thoughts are with you ❤️

Why does she need ‘entertaining’?! Surely she’s just happy to be around her family.

Maybe order a takeaway some Sundays or cook things that don’t need cleaning so much?

Absolutely get his arse into gear in that area and he must help and be involved.

Seriously though, from experience have the woman round. She needs you all.

God you sound vile.
That poor woman.

When my Dad was elderly, my husband responded by asking him to come live with us which he did and had a happy few years. Yes, he did that for MY Dad.

It's called love.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's perfectly normal to want some peace and quiet at the weekend and every single week is overkill. He could take her out for dinner sometimes. You wouldn't be unreasonable to stop doing everything.

Don’t entertain, just do dinner normally, include her obvs but just treat it like a normal meal? Pretend to take up napping? Dis auto your room for a bit? Leaving DH time with his mum? Watch tv/drink wine/mumsnet

My mum moved in for a bit when my dad died - she was completely lost, couldn't sleep, wasn't eating or even drinking properly. We incorporated her into our family routine and got her through each day by including her. I didn't ask DH, he just stepped up and took care of her.

We're years down the line now and Mum pops in without warning and always eats with us a few times a week. This is not always prearranged. It can be mildly irritating but she is very undemanding and clearly comes when she's lonely or struggling and wants the company rather than anything specific.

It sounds like you usually do more than DH at home which is a separate issue. If you do all the cooking and tidying up every Sunday, did you resent that before MIL started joining you? Or is it her coming over specifically that's the issue?

There are lots of good suggestions here. It doesn't have to be a roast, it doesn't have to be Sunday, it doesn't have to be you.

But I do think taking care of your MIL in bereavement is the right thing to do. That's what families are and do, they scoop up and hold each other when their world is falling apart. If you can't lean on your family then you really are alone.

The problem is clearly that her husband isn't the one taking care of his mum, the bar is a bit higher than just being present but as usual, that bar is on the ground for men and much, much higher for the OP.