AIBU about MIL coming round almost every Sunday for dinner

[ML5]

FIL died in February of this year. Last 4 months DH has been inviting his mum (MIL) round for dinner almost every Sunday without checking with me first. I did say to DH to check with me first or at least let me know before he tells his mum but he thinks I am being unreasonable & he wants her to get out of the house more than anything, but I just want my Sundays or most of them to be given a chance to relax as I work during the week.

So AIBU about this or is DH?

🤣🤣

4 months after my husband died, I was in a dreadful state. That's been the same for anyone that I know in that situation.

What's wrong with your husband that he let's you do all that? Can't he at least clear up? Is every mealtime like this?

I think you're pissed off at the wrong person.

Well according to your other thread your adult kids who live with you do fuck all too, they obviously learned it from him.

Honestly i think I'd divorce. If you don't want to do that then at least go on strike.

I would change it up a little and suggest you all go out to eat, order a take-away or your DH can cook.

It sounds a lot of expectation on you OP, to have every Sunday night taken up by this routine.

Surely you're not cooking just because she's coming round? You'd be cooking a meal anyway. How much trouble is it to cook a little extra for her? And she is your family. You can all relax together. You shouldn't feel as though you are standing on ceremony for a member of your family.

"OK, me and the kids are going to my sisters/friends/the park so dont forget to take the meat ouf of the freezer on Saturday."

Make it his problem.

I feel for her of course but the fact that he is taking you utterly for granted is the issue here, not her coming for lunch.

Most weeks when I’ve gone to my son and DILs for Sunday dinners, I’ve taken something. I will cook a chicken or a joint of pork and take that. Some weeks we just have chicken salad or pizzas. I’m so grateful for the company, since DH died the days drag by. I have no energy yet to get out much and seeing anyone other than family is stressful.

If it was at mine it would be exactly the same and my husband would cook without a shadow of a doubt

Id suggest your husband takes her ( or you both if you prefer) out for Sunday lunch

Differently I’d imagine, given a parent in law is effectively a random stranger, emotionally speaking.

I’m very close with my mum. My husband’s mother is exactly that.

You need to suggest some sort of plan or roster, where she comes to you 1-2 times a month, and maybe one Sunday he joins her for lunch with her sister/his aunt. And he should be part of the meal planning and prep. It’s lazy of him to assume the op will do all the hostess work.?

I think when someone is going through a rough time consistency can provide a lot of security.

However OP could just change it to another evening if Sunday is inconvenient.

OP I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I use my Sunday afternoons to meal prep, sort laundry write my to-do list etc as well as making lunch. When we have people over this does not get done and I’m struggling for the rest of the week. Sometimes a Sunday afternoon is the only bit of me time I get and the last thing I want to do is entertain. Your mother in law is in grief and does need support but your husband needs to provide the support so it works for everyone he should be cooking meals and taking her out to lunch not leaving it all to you

Well you know the answer. Dh I’m going out for a walk at 4, I’m not doing a roast on Sunday, I’m worn out and you can do Sunday roasts from now on. I’m not up for making any more than eggs on toast at the moment, nor will I wash a single dish if you cook, as you never wash any if I cook.

op, this is your moment. Why the fuck doesn’t he cook or clean? You do neither on Sunday for as long as it takes for him to take it on, tell him to sleep somewhere else until the dishes are on, and in a month or two the goal is to go back to a normal where your husband appreciates you, and on Sundays one cooks and the other one cleans up, and that’s what you do for the rest of eternity and your life is easier. I hear you re it’s annoying with mil, but if you can fix some of the dh problem in a long term way that would be a big change for you. So put your foot down and say I’m not cooking Sunday and if you do you scrub every dish. Or I wont be around at all the Sunday after, I can’t sit in a house entertaining knowing you’re leaving me the dishes having not done them for me on A Sunday ever.

So good to see more and more men taking on the responsibility too.

Really? All he's doing is asking his mum for dinner, Op is the one sorting the food, cooking, serving, clearing away and washing up. Failing to see the 'responsibility' being taken.

It's what families do. You could always insist your husband helps with the washing up or go out for lunch now and then. This isn't a big deal

How is this at all relevant? Please come back and share your perspective once you have instead had your mum around every week for 4 months and told your dh he’s cooking and cleaning up as well and to get to it.

My son does most of the cooking, although my DIL did make me a lovely curry last week.

Generally, when I hang out at theirs, they carry on with whatever they usually do. I don’t expect them to sit and entertain me.

Get takeaway or ready meals and get your DH to do the cleaning up.

Your DH isn't being fair by not sharing the cooking and cleaning, and it's turning the whole thing into an obligation for you.

Can you change the night to mid week so your Sundays are free? And obviously still get DH to do his fair share.

Exactly. His responsibility takes 5 minutes. It’s not remotely comparable.

I get it OP I really do. I wish more people on this thread had compassion for you. You are making all the effort and you have said you are tired.

I would think about sone options that work for you, sit down with DH and talk them through. Bear in mind that Sunday is usually a really hard day to be on your own so if changing the day would make it easier for you then DH could perhaps either go to her place for afternoon tea or talk to the rest of his family about them having her to visit then.

There’s been good suggestions here about taking her out, DH doing all the work, changing the day. Another one I’d suggest is that DH catches up with her on his own during the week every week and then you all see her once a fortnight -doesn’t have to be for Sunday dinner.

Approach it from a let’s continue making a real effort with your mum because this is such a tough time for her but it’s also making me really tired and affecting my work - how can we change things so it’s not so hard on me.

Your Mil being at Sunday lunch is probably as much for your DH’s sake as it is for hers. Just let them have what they need right now.

Could the 3 of you go out on different Sundays for a pub lunch that way you are all being given a treat. Like others have commented your Mil needs looking after.

Yes, as people have pointed out it is early daubs for your MIL. However, this should not become a lifetime habit. Try changing things around a bit. Next weekend try going out yourself on Sunday and tell everyone in advance. Just tell your husband that if he wants to invite people round he needs to cook.

But what exactly do you mean by entertaining? Your husband can entertain here and you do your thing, surely? And why can't you get a takeaway once a month if you don't want to cook (despite cooking regardless of your MIL) .

You say you have compassion but you're complaining about it here so... when you say you want him to ask you in advance, would you say no if he asked?